In an unprecedented scoop du jour, The Brutal Times has obtained a transcript of the unreleased director’s cut of the master debate, which was shot in an massage parlor on trendy Dundas Street West.

Joined in progress…

MICHEAL IGNATIEFF, leader of the Cerebrals Party of Canaduh ( former prof, too old n sleepy):

And I…I went outside of Canada.

JACK LAYTON, NDP leader (left-wing, pro-eco, no business connections):

That’s…that’s ridiculous – many of us have been outside of Canaduh.

GILLES DUCEPPE’S EYES (GD is leader of  Canaduh’s separatist party. They want the province of Quebec to become an independent country. It would be funny if he won the election, non?):

I haven’t.

STEPHEN HARPER (current Cock Blocker. Mr Harper’s stategy is to say nothing and let the others look nutty by shouting and whining.):

…

LAYTON:

I have grey hair, but it’s shinier than yours.

IGNATIEFF:

…

HARPER:

…

DUCEPPE:

…

LAYTON:

Mr. Harper…looks like a cross between a Storm Trooper and Jabba the Hut.

IGNATIEFF:

….

HARPER:

….

DUCEPPE:

What?

IGNATIEFF:

It’s a Star Wars reference.

DUCEPPE:

….

IGNATIEFF:

Canadians should get…free school.

HARPER:

…

DUCEPPE:

…

LAYTON:

We need to start thinking about the environment, and that means putting solar energy first, and putting panels on every home in Toronto at the cost of homeowners.

HARPER:

Taxes are bad. Mr Layton is bad for Canaduh. I am good. I am good for Canduh.

DUCEPPE:

…

IGNATIEFF:

…

HARPER (to himself, picked up on lapel mic):

Just stay calm, stay calm. Just another 30 minutes and it’s yours.

IGNATIEFF:

Let me finish – I’m too old for this. I look like Herman Munster.

DUCEPPE:

What?

LAYTON:

It’s an Addams Family reference.

HARPER:

The Munsters.

LAYTON:

What?

HARPER:

…

IGNATIEFF:

Canaduh’s not a real country anyway…running it should be easy…I might die in office.

LAYTON: If I may – you’ve seen all this before. The Liberal leader – excuse me – Cerebrals leader, sucks in the master debate and the NDP is given a false boost in the polls by the media as a total set up in order to make NDP voters sit back and stay home and swing voters fearing an NDP victory vote Conservative.

DUCEPPE:

What?

HARPER:

That’s how we win elections.

LAYTON:

What?

HARPER:

…

IGNATIEFF:

The only chance I’ve got is if someone leaks a scandal aboot Layton getting a massage on Dundas Street.

HARPER:

…

Understand?!?

After McCain fell asleep last night in the Four Seasons Hotel at his standing desk (that’s right – he sleeps upright) I sneaked round him and by tongs pulled the moist manuscript from a secret location on his person where it had been secretly secreted.

Among the juicy tid-bits in the 10 page pop-up book: prior to selecting sizzling Sarah Palin as his preferred vice-presidential pick, the Maverick (or ‘Rick’ as some call him), had all-but cemented Star Wars Episode One child actor Jake Lloyd as his number one choice.

As you know, Mr Lloyd was that awfully-annoying kid whom director George Lucas selected to play Darth Vader as a toddler after looking out his window and seeing Lloyd mowing a neighor’s lawn.

“Originally the whole of Episode One was going to be set on a giant lawn and I thought Jake would be pretty good at mowing that lawn in the movie,” Lucas said back in 1999 prior to his 10-year sentencing for crimes against entertainment.

Anyway, regarding McCain, “Actually, Mac- Mick- Rick, wanted Macaully Culkin to be vice president, but we told him Culkin wasn’t in Star Wars, at which point he became flustered and stated that if he couldn’t have a kid as a running mate then we might as well ‘get me some woman,’ or some such kind of thing, and that’s how we came round to settling on Ms Palin” said a former McCain campaign spokesperson on condition that he/she /it not be named in this article, as it would be extremely hard to prove anything he/she/it/said.

Unlike comfy Canada, kids can’t vote in the United States, but McCain apparently believed that the presence of Lloyd, whose classic bowl haircut was praised by both supporters and detractors of the former child actor within the McCain camp, would galvanize US parents to cast their ballots in favor of the first-ever man-child presidential ticket.

Making the pop-ups pop up in McCain’s pop-up book, one can’t help but wonder why McCain made a pop-up book.

“John wanted an in-your-face kind of format and that’s  what he got with this book,” explained Rudell Gamie, 109, who handled the final preparations for “Inside” for  Canadian publishing giant Pets & Gardens Magazine. “I think this book is going to scare some people, it’s going to challenge some people, and it’s going to be in at least the 20 – 30 US dollar range due to the fact that it was carved here by hand,” he went on.

Or…did…he?!?

“Yeah, I’m really amped about the whole prospect,” smiled Lucas, when quizzed about his music video directorial debut. “Axl reminds me of Yoda and I’m looking forward to having, uh, I dunno, some kind of a Darth Maul kind of Yoda CG thing going on with you know, maybe one of them or both singing some of the lyrics to one of the slower numbers on the album,” he went on.

Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy, which hit Best Buy stores last week is the band’s first release since 1991. At that time the group released two separate albums, Use Your Illusion I and II. They featured 3 “really really good songs” according to loyal fans. The new album contains 3 more.

Chinese Democracy took more than a decade to record and during that time all the original band members were replaced, excepting frontman Axl Rose. Around 1996 Rose met Lucas in a White Castle restaurant by chance.

“He asked me about replacing them (the other members of Guns N’ Roses) with droids,” said Lucas. “I guess you could say we sort of bonded.”

The bond has blossomed into what Lucasfilm says will be “the first of seven or seventeen or perhaps seventy videos” filmed for GNR by the flamboyant filmmaker.

Mr Rose has claimed Lucas’ Star Wars Episode One was an inspiration for Chinese Democracy. “I didn’t really like the original Star Wars movies,” admitted Rose on his website axlrosesofevil.com last week. “But those prequels- they shook me.”

Or did they?

The surprising news could prove a boon for Bush, who has been prodding U.S. and other world leaders to take a stronger line on Iran and its pursuit of nuclear power. The U.S. administration believes Iran is racing to develop nuclear energy partially with the aim of producing nuclear weapons through the use of noxious slime which arises as a bi-product of the enrichment of uranium.

As Bush’s term winds down, world interest in confronting Iran has dwindled in recent months. News of Binks’ presence in the country, however, may change that, say analysts. Polls show that although 63% of Americans approve of carrying out covert operations in order to capture or kill Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden, a whopping 110% consent to doing “absolutely anything, anything at all” to get Binks.

“I hate Osama bin Laden,” said Richard Ale, 43, “but I really, really hate Jar Jar Binks.”

Ale, a computer software salesman, is not alone. He and a legion of fans of the original Star Wars movie trilogy, produced in the late Seventies and early Eighties, still hold a grudge against Binks, whom they blame for “destroying” the latter 1999 follow-up film Episode One, issued by the series’ enigmatic creator George Lucas.

“If he (Binks) is in Iran, I say we let them have it,” said Nathan Kuppel, who admits, like Ale, that his motives are more personal than political. “But that’s not the point,” he insisted. “The government is elected to be responsive to the people, and if we say ‘kill Binks’ then it’s their job to do it.”

The anonymous official, Jeremy Glassback, who is married to stain glass artist Sarah Weil and lives at 177 Dusty Meadow Road in Washington state, claims that Binks was seen in Tehran as recently as last month, and has been “making the rounds” at the local film studios there, “possibly looking for work on a soap”.

Binks, 47, is not known to have made a film since Star Wars III: Revenge of the Nerds. Nerds, which grossed 111 billion trillion US dollars ($2,867 Canadian) solidified Binks as of Hollywood’s most-hated actors. His follow-up projects, including an album with Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav have not done well.

“If, as some are saying, Mr Binks is indeed in Iran or the vicinity, we will of course be looking at that very carefully,” said White House Spokesperson Elaine Bram. “This is something that many people care about deeply – that he is brought to justice – and we are doing everything we can right now to look into that.”