“I’d prefer you use the word ‘tremblor’ as that sounds more exciting,” he said, warming to his theme, “and as you know, the U.N. and our auspices, condemn any attempt by Canaduh, the U.S. or any of your friends to copy the quakes in order to participate more fully in the news yourselves.”

After every battle royale with Nature, folks globally like to up the ante by putting their own probs front and center, say expats.

“Experts.”

What?

“‘Say experts – you wrote ‘say expats.’”

Aren’t you an expat?

“Sure-sure, but it’s not information that is vital to your reader.”

Readers.

“I’m going to have to differ with you on that one.”

Then I’m not going to mention who you are.

“And just leave my text just sitting there?”

Happens all the time. You’d see it if you bother to scroll down.

“No one bothers to scroll down.”

OK, so where have copycat quakes occurred? Who’s doing it? Can it be tied in to something like hip hop in a place we haven’t heard of and how that’s helping the youth buy something somewhere?

“Social networking and Twitter are both making the “youthquakes” happen globally, and helping their parents shell out for great-looking gadgets this Easter.”

OMG!!!

“Canadian rapper BLT and his arch-enemy Young Seaweed are teaming up to do something somewhere sometime that will piss you off so much you can’t stop watching it until your eyeballs run like raw eggs.”

Splooooooooge!!!!

“Although we can’t control Nature, governments and their minions are working in tandem with the U.S. president, the American Barack Obama, the Canadian Barack Obama Stephen Harper, and the British Barack Obama David Cameron, along with Google, etc, to bomb Nature back to the stone age, when it just played good and provided us with caves to live in and, uh, fire.”

That was pretty good. I’ve changed me mind – I think you deserve to be named.

“I’d really rather you didn’t, as…”

I know – “you aren’t authorized to talk about what you’re talking about as you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Well, it’s common sense, right?”

Understand?!?

Arcade Fire.

Twitter.

Your iPhone.

FaceBooger.

Social networking.

Williamsburg.

Tokyo.

China.

Egypt.

Hillary “Hot” Rodham Clinton.

Billiam Clinton.

Eminem.

Rihanna.

Green Day.

Sum 41.

April the Wine.

Toronto.

Cock Blocker.

Naoto Kan.

Right wing Japanese sound trucks.

Movies.

The University of Tokyo.

The University of Toronto.

Film school.

Snoop Doggie.

Dr. Dre.

Madonna.

Michael Moore.

Oliver Stone.

Atom Egoyan.

Bars.

The Simpsons.

Vice Magazine.

Mohammed El Baradei.

Cocaine.

Ban Ki Moon.

The Onion.

U2.

Stingk.

REM.

The Pixies.

Hole.

The Foo Fighters.

Ben Folds.

H&M.

England.

Afghanistan.

Iran.

James Cameron.

Tony Blair.

The British royal family.

The Japanese royal family.

Hip hop (rap).

John McCain.

Wilco minus Jay.

Radiohead.

Any current Japanese celebrity on television.

Kid Rock.

Beer.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” whispered Constable Ray Goolens, 30, stroking his well-groomed handlebar moustache with his right hand. “I’m secretly left-handed, so for me the right hand is ‘The Stranger’, he went on.

Anarchists, stoked up from an afternoon performance of shock-rocker Green Day’s Broadway hit, American Idiot, twisted and frugged the day away yesterday, shouting obscenities and sports metaphors at riot police.

“Let’s use the sound cannon on that guy,” said Constable Wendy Mealet, 56.

The pricey sound cannon, known as the vuvuzela, shoots pulses of bass samples from soothing R&B acts as Black-Eyed Beans, and Toronto’s own Will Smith.

Anarchists dislike it and cover their ears.

“The history of The Anarchy Condos at No Fixed Address has indeed been checkered,” ejaculated TTC driver Ted Nim, 20. ” I seen it as I drived my red rocket back to base every day,” he went on.

From it’s unique urine aroma which peppers its mezzanine and box-like suites, to its lack of electicity or phone service, residents were drawn to Anarchy out of a desire to recreate themselves and bond with artists who topped themselves.

“My grandson Baz lived in the Pink Floyd suite until they dragged him kicking and frumping to the loony bin,” said old fogey Nancy Barelle, 40.

The Loony Bin is another exclusive Toronto Queen Street condominium.

Do the anarchists want anything?

“They want to watch music videos and see that Green Day musical over and over,” says Carlos Santos, 14, who has written about them on his blog, rightwingthinktank.com.

How about the Internet? Do they like it, or do they eschew it like Buddhists or something?

Oh, no – they loooove it. In fact, if you’ve seen the commercials on tv, you’d see that Buddhists like the Internet, too.

I don’t own a television.

What, are you an anarchist or something?

Good one.

“I don’t like clones, ok?” ejaculated Uger Goolens, 16, a hedge fund manager at Goldman Sachs. His identical twin, Lawrence Goolens, 56, nodded in agreement. “They ruffle my feathers,” Uger went on.

Clones, invented by Toyota in the ’80s before you were born, are taking our jobs and sexually pleasuring our heterosexual girlfriends.

“The clones come in at night, they park their hotrods, and then before you can say ‘Coldplay’ they’re humping your GF, listening to your favorite Radiohead jam,” ejaculated Mary Sisk, 49, who was eating a chicken sandwich as she spoke to me on the bus. “This is my stop,” she went on. “I have to get off.”

Identical twins, long accustomed to the limelight, with its perks of more legroom, always being greeted with a supplicating smile, and valet parking, have seen their privileges evaporate as more and more clones come on the scene.

“Their privileges are evaporating,” confirmed Mia Poppe, 21, a philosophy student at The University of Tokyo. “People can’t tell them apart,” she went on.

Whom apart?

“Listen, I, uh, gotta go – I have a class, ok?”

You wanna get high?

“Ha ha – funny. You’re like the 5th guy to try and use that line since I got up, like an hour ago.”

Derrick Jimo, 28, is a subway vigilante whom pounces on clones and some identical twins by mistake.

“I don’t fuckin’ care – I’m angry,” he says.

Have you tried channeling that anger into an artistic  pursuit, like punky music, or fingerpainting?

“Hey, you know what? You look like somebody….You got a brother or sister?”

Easy, Jetstream. I got dipsomaniac immunity.

“Clones are being singled out for being different,” says clone booster Billy, 6. “People can’t stand difference and so they try to nuke it,” he went on.

Confusing.

“If you gimme five dollars I can make it stop,” Billy insisted, kicking my bad leg, but looking in another direction so for a second I thought he wasn’t doing it and like maybe I was even kicking myself.

Understand?

The soon-to-be-released 16 cute pet stories brings the total of cute pet stories released to public view by Obama to 17. On his first day as president he released “Topps: the Story of the Cutest Dog with Whiskers”. The 180 word story featured a photo of Topps, which spread over Internet chat rooms dwarfing everyone’s attention for weeks.

“I couldn’t remember who, or where I was,” Ben Haiye, 25, said, recalling how days and months after he had downloaded Topps’ creamy visage from his kompyooter machine he was unable to move his limbs or cry for help. “But that’s not to say I wouldn’t do it again,” he went on.

“Sixteen cute pet stories will be released to the unworthy public,” confirmed Fern Bo, an White House hanger-on. “And I just think it’s so great of Barack to be doing that,” she went on. She had that whole sexy waif look going on; underfed and underslept, but it kinda worked for her.

Yes, 2010 is off to a great start, yet some whiners just won’t let up.

“No, I am not happy – about Obama’s decision to release these…pet stories,” whined barista Todd Hill,21. “I voted…for Obama because I thought he was something different; it’s just more of the same pap,” he totally over-reacted.

One of the new cute pet stories is about a cat named Rags, the Brutal Times has learned.

Rags is an invisible cat whom only appears on rainy nights at 3am. Then, Rags sinks its ten inch fangs into its victims’ necks and sucks out their mucas supply. Then when the victims go to blow their noses they blows their brains out.

“I think they are going to very seriously regret having rushed these so-called “cute pet stories” out to the public, said Chip Valse, an anonymous spokesperson for potential 2012 Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “There are a lot of stories in there that are going to keep you and me and our families up all night,” he ejaculated.

Cute pet stories and their erstwhile Internet companion, cute pet videos keep a lid on things worldwide. Before their invention in the ’80′s looting was pandemic. Just looking at a cute fuzzy-wuzzy has been known to calm even the most brutal of men and womenfolk.

That last part I just cut and pasted from some random source.

Sorry.

Irony apparel is a smash hit in Williamsburg.

On my way out of the metro I bumped into 39-year-old Cassius Tam, who writes for Vice Magazine, Brooklyn’s foremost arbiter of taste. He was wearing a Bush-Cheney 2004 t-shirt.

Surely you don’t mean..?

“Oh no no old chap, I was being ironic when I bought this,” Mr Tam explained, fingering said shirt.

Oh.

Slowly squirting a much-need spurt of love-juice into the once sluggish global economy, witty young and not-so-young wunderkinds are stepping up to the fashion plate to hit ironic homeruns right into our eyes.

“Neck & Penis released a whole line of tightly-fitted ribbed neck and penis attire featuring Michael Jackson, Henry Kissinger, and Thom Yorke,” confirmed Ray Goolens, 56, a shopper.

And then, at the local butcher’s apartment I met Zoey Haff. She was wearing a big pink button that said “Fuck You”.

I was damned if I was gonna let that one pass.

“Whu’d I ever do to you, huh?” I demanded. “What’s your prob?” I went on.

“I’m be-ing i-ron-ic,” Ms Haff, 22, explained indulgingly.

And then suddenly out on the street again a group of hundreds swarmed me, pushing, screaming, pinching – all demanding my attention for their ironic fashion proclamations.

“I like Journey!” shrieked one 18-year-old girl, dressed as Sid Vicious.

“Rush Limbaugh is Cool!” bragged a chap who badly needed a bath.

“These Colors Don’t Run!” screamed the sweatshirt of another lad with Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses and arms no thicker than twigs.

You don’t…?

“No!!!” came the thunderous reply.

Or did it?

A man, believing himself to be be funny for years, has been clinically proven to be unfunny.

“He’s – you’re, the opposite of funny,basically,” informed Larissa Underwood, 33,  author of  “Tamantha’s Kitchen”, which won the 2007 Governor General’s award for Best Canadian Book of Poetry.

Underwood was seconded by Mr Taro Shimizu, 59, a Japanese teacher of Japanese English in Tochigi, Japan.

“Maybe…it is Canadian joke, but in other words, Japanese don’t find it very funny it has been determined,” Mr Shimizu agreed with himself.

Another teacher whom Shimizu san lusts after in his free time, agreed.

“It is just wasting time, and so on,” informed Mrs Etsuko Hirosawa, 51, whom also teaches Japanese English students too poor to fork out enough bus fare to escape her evil clutches and whom declined to give her age although she looked like she was basically at the end of her life with bits sagging and well, falling off.

Yes indeed, the jury looks like it’s in.

“You can’t make the Internet funny,” piled on Ray Goolens, another random source for this article. “Most people are too tired when they get home from their jobbie to laugh aloud, and besides dude that’s just not what they want,” he went on.

According to Goolens and Billy, who often comments on posts in The Brutal Times in his unique unintelligible voice, people – unique visitors – Twits – want tips on weight loss, pets and celebrity crotch shots.

“Tone it down, Mr Brown,” Billy advised, turning his baseball cap backwards to show his allegiance to Satan.

“Drop the dumb jokes,” concurred Goolens. “Focus on the crotch shots.”

What is it?

Meet – the iPube.

“iPube has all the features you’ll find in your top of the line iPod,” says Apple founder Billiard Gates, “but then we smashed it into a Rubix cube.”

Rubix cubes from inside the pyramids have amused folks for years, killing awkward moments between coworkers and even reducing sexual tension on the bus.

Jimmy Jam-san, local dj says he wants to “buy 20 of the things.”

“I want to buy 20 of the things,” Jam-san said.

Rubix and Apple had been meeting secretly in donut shoppes and at Denny’s for days, getting hammered and hammering out their deal on who’d get what out of the two hundred million billion zillion dollar deal to blend the Internet and a cube.

“We’re happy with what we came away with (from Denny’s)” says Rubix CEO Ventura Go. “Money is so great – it really doesn’t matter how much you get, just as long as it’s a lot.”

Really? How so Joe?

“Well, it’s like if you live in Canada for a while, and you’re every day complaining about how your balls are froze, and then you move to Tokyo and it ain’t that cold to freeze your balls, but damn if you don’t after a few days of eating sushi start bitching and whining about how damn cold it is.”

I don’t get it.

“It’s from Confucious.”

Oh.

So this ‘pube is gonna solve the global credit crisis and revive Lehman Brothers. What kinda features it got?

“We’ve designed it so that it retains most of the features our customers loved about the Rubix cube – the clashing color scheme, and the fact that it’s this endless frustrating puzzle that can only be solved by sheer accident or by some gifted dude,” croaked Rubix chief designer Witherspoon.

And then it’s got all the features we love about the iPod?

“Yeah, we already told you that.”

How come you only got one name?

“Because there’s only one…of me”.

Right. But seeing as you sort of just smushed the iPod and the Rubix cube together aren’t they like, broken?

“You’ll have to try solving the puzzle to figure that out.”

iPubes go on sale June 21. They retail for $999.65 U.S. ( 28 yen).

“Animals will get their own Internet by 2010,” he said.

Animals are increasingly pressuring humans for Internet access following the release last year of funky iPods and so on. Organizers of the G-20 shindig made the mistake of holding their conflab right next to the London Zoo where many animals live work and hang out in their free time.

“kskdadJMK98787??rufff!” commented a terrier named Werner. “okjjUUU/,kdkdirufffff!” it went on.

“Animals are going to totally shock-rock your silly suburban iPodular world,” says animal-lover but not too much Ray Goolens. “When and if you’re invited to an all-animal Internet chat room and you log on – expect to have your mind blown,” he went on.

Animals have been mostly a mystery since the time of their invention, and their excess hair causes allergic reactions in some humans.

“I got a rash when I pet a giraffe,” said Haines Rainel, 40, a barista in New Mexico. “The pet occurred when I was 23; the rash is still with me,” he went on.

Rashes, itching, scratching etc are all big complaints about animals for humans. Thus, when Daemon Mailer, 23, invented the Internet in his spare time in his garage he decided to kick animals off.

“I don’t like animals,” he said.

But animals are getting their own net now, says home ec instructor Nancy Shaff.

“Animals are getting their own Internet now,” she said.

Or did she?