For lefties, the right hand is “the Stranger”.

Yes, for years folks over forty thought Billy Joel was “The Stranger.”

And maybe he was, in a way, in whatever way that might mean.

As you know, according to classic rock legend, it was Toto, who coined Joel’s nickname ‘The Stranger’ after they exchanged backstage caresses of steel one night in Bangkok.

But they were also wrong (the folks over forty).

Dead wrong.

Thus, verily, for most of this millenium of taxpayer-funded research, crammed crusty cardboard boxes were carted out of cavernous cubes of prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies-cardboard boxes crammed to the brim with shock-rocking research, proving lefties get their party started with their right hands.

Let me try that again.

“I just get tired of the left hand 99% of the time,” ejaculated Occupy Wall Street anarchist Giles Richardson, 40, a lefty. “Using ‘The Stranger’ just jazzes it up,” he went on.

Let me be clear – you’re talking about… when you think about me, you touch yourself?

“When I think about me.”

Right. Sure. But is this too much for folks to know? Will they melt down under the infoload?

Folks can never know enough, says Internet pioneer Daemon Mailer, when contacted by The Brutal Times at home in his log cabin.

Full disclosure: Daemon Mailer is an unpaid employee at The Brutal Times.

Fuller disclosure: We didn’t feel like interviewing anybody else for this interview, cos, like, it was raining outside.

Too much disclosure: it wasn’t raining outside.

“Folks – shoppers – can never know enough,” Mr Mailer quipped, drawing lazily on his pipe, while fondling his Davy Crockett hat.

Zat gonna help ‘em make more informed choices and so on?

“Er, no.”

Yeah, but shoppers still have the right to click off any time they want.

“C’mon.”

OK, but “The Stranger” is trending right now?

“It’s trending right up the proverbial trending wazoo. Justin Beiber’s using ‘The Stranger’, Hugo Chavez, The Queen Mum…”

The Queen Mum’s a lefty?

“She’s left-handed, yes. She plays a left-handed Fender, just like Kurt Cobain.”

Let me get this straight.

“By all means.”

When you say “lefties,” you mean people who-

“Yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh. That’s it exactly.”

But…Billy Joel’s not left-handed.

“He’s not?”

No.

“My bad.”

Are you left-handed?

“I’m both-handed.”

So, then-

“So, then, yes, I know, ‘Is it a little boring for me, or is it, y’know, too much mystery?, quote unquote’. I’ve heard all the jokes, thank you.”

All of them?

“All the jokes, yes.”

Then how old are you? You must have lived a long time to hear all the-

“I see where you’re going, but I’m gifted and pick up quick, y’know?”

Oh, sure. Well. Anything else to tack on?

“I dunno…you explain to readers why they call it ‘The Stranger’, n’ all?”

Uh…I’d have to scroll up and check.

“Right. And no one scrolls down this far, so if you’ve missed it, then it probably doesn’t matter at this point.”

Well…some Russian spambot might scroll down this far.

“Well, kudos to you, kid, for caring what the Russian spambot reads – go on.”

Well, I, we – DJ Salinger and I, who also contributed to this article, but really only at the start now – with that classic rock reference-”

“About the Billy Joel.”

Yes – about the Billy Joel – and the Toto – we would just say that, y’know, we’re all adults here, online, and uh, it’s when, uh, one man, uh, loves hisself very much and, uh, he goes about uh, y’know, demonstrating that love, uh, with uh, another hand…then he’s normally used to.”

“You’ve lost me.”

You got the Billy Joel part?

“Yes, I got the Billy Joel part.”

He’s ‘The Stranger’.

“He’s ‘The Stranger’.”

Yes. Always was. Always will be.

“I see. That’s highly amusing. And you think your readers-”

We cannot say what we think. This isn’t Facebook.

“And they’ll never scroll down this far.”

Never. In a million, billion million years.

Am I right?!?

The nineteen-hour event was sponsored by global toy giant BB FunCorp and fantastic Internet social networking tool Fluffer, in keeping with an emerging trend in which mainstream media organizations do the most adorable thing and try to control our thoughts.

Ice cream was 99 cents.

As Romney, Perry, and the other 8 dudes and one dudette stood cemented to the stage, I licked my ice cream.

It was cool in the barn, but the breath of the family sitting behind me melted my cream and I had to lick faster and faster to keep up with the melting? If you’ve ever eaten ice cream you know what I mean.

Anyway, Romney vouched for himself over and over, repeating, “I’m a great dude. I’m from Romulus. We have…uh…gigantic spacecraft that can destroy the earth….I have three peni (penises).”

“There are a lot of reasons not to elect me,” Mr Romney ejaculated. “One reason to elect me is I know what I stand for. I’ve written it down. Words have meaning. Some words rhyme. Some don’t. Some begin with capital letters. Yep.”

Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all took shots at Rick Perry’s record on illegal immigration. Bachmann said that Texas’s law allowing in-state tuition for the children of illegal immigrants acted like a “magnet” for illegal immigrants.

Perry’s response was forceful and personal. “I don’t think you have a heart,” Perry told his critics. “I like that.”

Without saying anything, it was hard to tell where other candidates like House Speaker Newt Gingrich stood on stuff.

“Sometimes I just don’t feel like talking,” Gingrich said after the debate. “I feel like talking now, but everybody’s gone home,” he went on.

Rep Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota reminds me of Barbara Bachmann, who is Ringo Starr‘s wife. For people under 50, she doesn’t remind you of anyone.

Rep Ron Paul of Texas, former New Mexico Gov Gary Johnson, businessman Herman Cain and former Utah Gov Jon Huntsman came to the master debate too, but instead of networking they just stood around awkwardly and nursed their drinks.

“I forgot my buisness card, but you can connect with me over LinkedIn,” quipped Johnson.
“No, I’m totally being serious,” he went on.

Rick (The Dick) Santorum told a gay soldier serving openly in Iraq that sex had no place in the military. Legally, he was right: although you can tell people your what you wanna do with them, if you get caught doin’ it with ‘em your pee-pee will get whacked. And just like the last master debate, he kept referring to himself as “Rick Santorum”. Vice presidential material, this one.

Herman Cain was declared the surprise winner of the debate, to the shock and awe of many Republican faithful. Does this mean anything? Well, yes: he sounds better than rest, at least in the way that he doesn’t seem to be flat out lying about everything. And no, because if you look back at prior Republican master debates in the last few elections, it’s very often Ron Paul who was selected as the winner. And he ain’t ever gonna be president.

Am I right?

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES:

1 REP. RON PAUL, R-TEXAS
2 GOV. RICK PERRY, R-TEXAS
3 FORMER GOV. MITT ROMNEY, R-MASS.
4 REP. MICHELE BACHMANN, R-MINN.
5 HERMAN CAIN
6 FORMER REP. NEWT GINGRICH, R-GA.
7 FORMER GOV. JON HUNTSMAN JR., R-UTAH
8 FORMER SEN. RICK SANTORUM, R-PA.

PRESS:
1 STYLES CRADGEROCK, THE BRUTAL TIMES
2 BARRY HUSEIN, THE BRUTAL TIMES
3 BILLY, A TWEEN
4 BRIAN WILLIAMS, POLITICO
5 JOHN HARRIS, POLITICO
6 JOSE DIAZ-BALART, MSNBC

SPECIAL GUEST STAR:
NANCY REAGAN

BRIAN WILLIAMS: Tonight, from the Ronald Reagan Mudhoney Foundation and Library, we will hear from the eight (!?!) candidates who would like to be the new President of USA America. They’re all here tonight, standing up in suits and one pantsuit. You’ll never remember all of them, but the main ones are Romney, who is from Romulus, and Perry, who is a preacherman, from Texas.

STYLES CRADGEROCK: It’s kind of like “Cowboys and Aliens”!

WILLIAMS: What?

CRADGEROCK: The master debate – because Romney, pardon my prejudice, is from Romulus, and Perry is like this kinda cowboy dude, from Texas.

WILLIAMS:…

BILLY, A TWEEN: Live from the towering electrified gates of the Reagan Library in Simi Valley, California, the Republican candidates master debate! Look, there’s Brian Williams and John Harris.

(SOUNDS OF COUGHS)

WILLIAMS: Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Good evening, and love.

Thank you especially for joining us here Casey Pliate, I love you honey. I’ll see you at Rodney’s Steakhouse after the show. Look at this spectacular space, this spectacular presidential library, where we are all gathered under the wings of Air Force One, casting it’s macho shadow ‘cross all o’ our glowin’ faces. Love.

BARRY HUSEIN: For the next 7 hours and 45 minutes, give or take, along with my colleagues and friends, John Harris of the website Politico, Styles Cradgerock from The Brutal Times, Billy, a tween, and, uh, some others, we will ask the eight candidates stuff, but mostly Romney and Perry, and almost never Bachmann, who is in the pantsuit, and Herman Cain, who is a black man.

Governor Perry, we’re going to begin with you and your creepy smile. You’re standing on stage. Texas ranks last among those who have completed high school, there are only eight other states with more living in poverty, no other state has more working at or below the minimum wage. So is that the kind of answer all Americans are looking for?

PERRY: Actually, I’m not gonna answer your question. So I’m proud of what we’ve done in the state of Texas.

You want to create jobs in America? You free the American entrepreneur to do what he or she does, which is risk their capital, and I’ll guarantee you, they’re easy money – they’re gonna lose every penny. That’s why I wanna build casinos right here in America for them to lose them in to create jobs.

WILLIAMS: Governor Romney, over to you.

ROMNEY: I look like Perry’s twin, but my smile is a little less creepy. Now I’m gonna bore you with more of the same meaningless abstract talk of government creating jobs. As you know, government doesn’t create jobs.

This country has a bright future. Our president doesn’t understand how the economy works. I do, because I’ve seen it from space.

BILLY: Time, Governor.

WILLIAMS: Conrad Bain Capital, a company you and Gary Coleman helped to form, often buys up companies, strips them down, gets them ready, resells them at a net job loss to American workers.

ROMNEY: That is what gives me the capacity to help get this economy going again.

WILLIAMS: Touching.

BARRY HUSEIN: Is it a disqualification to be in government all your career? Are the offices nice?

ROMNEY: People like to hear me bash government, which is hilarious, because I am the government.

BILLY: Governor Perry, a 30-second rebuttal.

You spent your career in that fine profession of elected office. Your reaction to that?

PERRY: Look into my eyes, Romney, and know I will kill you to get this jobbie. Death – by electric eel.

WILLIAMS: Well, let’s widen this out and let’s bring in Mr. Cain on one side -

ROMNEY: Wait a second. I’d like to talk a lot more before you go and bring in that guy. Come on.

WILLIAMS: So sorry. Go ahead. I’ll give you 20 minutes?

ROMNEY: Romulus, my home planet, has a fleet of battle ships, which can and will destroy the Earth if it even looks like I’m going to lose the election.

Those are wonderful things, these battleships. There are even ATMs inside and porno from all around the galaxy, but Governor Perry doesn’t believe that he created those things. If he tried to say that, well, it would be like Al Gore saying he invented the Internet.

(FIDDLING WITH CLOTHING SOUNDS)

WILLIAMS: Time.
Governor Perry?

PERRY: I may be a preacher, but I’m also a mean bastard, Mitt. Michael Dukakis, who no one under 60 remembers, created jobs three times faster than you did, Mitt.

ROMNEY: Anal probe. Aboard Romulan ship. How’s Tuesday?

(LAUGHTER)

PERRY: That’s not correct.

ROMNEY: Yes, that is correct. We have scheduled you…for a probe…on my iPad2…and done.

CRADGEROCK: Nice to see everybody came prepared for tonight’s conversation. I love the iPad. It stopped me from committing suicide? Cause before I thought life’s meaningless?

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: As I said, I’d like to bring in some of the obvious losers here, figuratively, of course, Senator Santorum and Mr. Cain.

Let’s talk about…I dunno…how fast can we get this over with so we have time to play a game at the end? Say something quick.

SANTORUM: Even though you brought up Mr. Cain before me, I thank the TV cameras for cutting to me instead of him and not showing him at all. I’m younger-looking than Romney or Perry and out of the three I look the least creepy, but what’s killing me here is I look real nervous.

Plus, that pop up blurb they just flashed onscreen while I’m talking because they think people have such short attention spans that they’re already bored with what I’m saying, says I have 7 kids – 7! And that, which kills off any votes other than from the religious right, is neutralized by what I’m actually saying, which is that I would work with Democrats, thus killing off any conservative support.

Why…am I here?

Yes, I think what people are looking for is someone to get something done. And that’s what I have a track record of doing in Washington, D.C., across the board. Not just on economics, but on moral cultural issues, on national security issues, national defense issues.

I’ve done things. We’ve brought Democrat and Republicans together.
We sang karaoke.

HUSEIN: Time, Senator.
Mr. Cain, same question.

CAIN: Let’s cut to the chase, just by saying this catchy catch phrase I’ve momentarily stood out from Romney, Perry, and Santorum, who all sound the same when they talk. But now I’m gonna talk about raising taxes and a “999” plan, which not only sounds like 9/11 to some who were sleeping in the audience or the vast majority who were half-listening, but upside down could read “666”. Careful, careful.

Plus, no candidate who ever had an actual plan to do anything and talked about it to the voters ever won anything. What kind of chase is this?this is what business people do and politicians don’t do. Here’s how I would fix this economy, first, eliminate the current tax code. It is a drain on entrepreneurs, it is the biggest barrier that’s holding this economy back, and what I would do is to propose a bold plan, which I have already released.

I call it my 9-9-9 economic growth plan. Throw out the current tax code, a 9 percent tax on corporate income, our 9 percent tax on personal income and a 9 percent national sales tax. If 10 percent is good enough for God, 9 percent ought to be good enough for the federal government.

Now I’m gonna blow this by talking over your applause, a big no-no. Now you can feel like I think I’m better than you. Silence, and listen to my lecture. This will replace all federal income taxes. It’ll replace all federal income taxes.

WILLIAMS: Mr. Cain, thank you for your hard work. That’s about it for you tonite, if you’d like to go home early.

Governor Huntsman, you’re a former ambassador to China. You have served four U.S. presidents. In your view, what does Governor Romney not get about China?

HUNTSMAN: I have grey hair. I’m the only candidate shown so far with a full head o’ grey hair. And a tan. It’s a long way up from here. I look pooped.

I’d have to say, Mitt, now is not the time in a recession to enter a trade war. Despite the fact that this may be true, voters are never gonna elect someone who badmouths America, and talks about our weaknesses. What am I doing? Maybe I’m the Republican’s Biden. Need a neutralized V.P.? Pick me! Pick me!

Ronald Reagan flew this plane. I was in China during the trip in 1984. He went on TV, he spoke to the Chinese people — I’d love to do that too, in Chinese itself – (Christ, they are gonna kill me on Limbaugh and other conservative media for saying that! I make John Kerry look like Rumsfeld!) and he talked in optimistic, glowing terms.

I’ve lived overseas four times. Once I slept in a comfy hammock slung between trees and had a nice tequila dream. I’ve been an ambassador to my country three times. Conservatives will eat me alive for saying this crap.

CRADGEROCK: Governor Huntsman, or should I say, Vice President Huntsman? You have nice posture.

Congresswoman Bachmann, over to you for a sec. Any thoughts?

BACHMANN: I have 5 kids! 5! Two less than Santorum! If we get married or run together we’ll have 12 kids! 12! I think we’d be a good losing ticket. We kinda look like a couple. I look like some 70’s actress, but you don’t remember who. I’m too serious sounding to ever get elected as a woman.

There’s something dark about me. Come to think about it, maybe I could team with Perry as V.P. That would be a throwback to Nixon-Agnew.

BILLY: I’m too young to understand what you said.

Over to yet another guy running for President, and always near last on our list (boy, we slighted you by cutting to Cain first) Congressman Paul, you’re known as the nutcase in the bunch, someone who has consistently opposed federal government from having any role — and I think by your definition — that isn’t explicitly laid out in the Constitution.

And you’re so old and doddering and the way your head is drooping off to one side and down at a steep angle towards your collar doesn’t inspire confidence.

30 seconds for devil’s advocate here: would you put it on the drug companies to say, “We’re bringing this to market, trust us, it’s a fantastic drug”? All the pilots in the sky, to add to their responsibilities, their own air traffic control, in an organic way?

PAUL: I’m actually going to kill myself off right away here by agreeing with you. What I said is, theoretically, you could — it could be privatized, but who ends up doing the regulations on the drugs? They do as much harm as good.

They don’t take good care of us. Who gets — who gets to write the regulations? The thing that puts people to sleep even faster than talking about numbers, is saying words like “regulations”. Where do I get the money to keep running for President? See you in 2016.

WILLIAMS: Love.
Over to Speaker Gingrich.

(CAR ALARM NOISES)

GINGRICH: It’s waaay tooo late for me to be running for president. Vice President, maybe. I have more grey hair than anybody up here. Yeah, I have more energy than Ron Paul or Jon Huntsman, but I have that fluffy grey hair that makes me look like I just woke up and should be wearing a bathrobe and looking for the remote, when it’s actually in my bathrobe pocket.

The fact that President Obama doesn’t come to the Reagan Library to try to figure out how to create jobs, doesn’t talk to any of these three governors to learn how to create jobs, doesn’t talk to Herman Cain, who is a black person, to learn how to create jobs tells you that this is a president so committed to class warfare and so committed to bureaucratic socialism that he can’t possibly be effective in jobs.

WILLIAMS: Mr. Speaker, thank you?

(A SCREAM)

The questioning continues with John Harris.

HARRIS: Love. Who are you?

HUNTSMAN: Jon Huntsman? I’m raising seven kids? Hey, look at Romney and Perry, both of whom I like and admire, please pick me for V.P. And I hate to tell you that I’m talking but you’re not listening – it’s just a sound.

HUSEIN: Makes sense.

HUNTSMAN: … I’m saying things with my voice on TV. And I’m pointing with a finger.

HARRIS: Thanks. Thanks, Governor.

Congresswoman Bachmann, let’s turn to you for a sec.

BACHMANN: I’m a redhead, and you know what that means. I could be your dominatrix, but, yes, I’m a little older than you are. We could also see created over 50 percent more American energy production. And we could also see $800 billion more revenue coming into the United States government.

CRADGEROCK: I think Newt wants to talk.

GINGRICH: There’s me talking on the video, but the New York Times forgot to transcribe that part. Like Herman Cain, I’m more assertive and believable than the young dudes like Huntsman and Santorum. But I just complain and chastise and no one wants a big grump in the White House. Plus, how can I think the Brutal Times is gonna forget I cheated on my wife all the time I was trying to crucify Bill Clinton for schtooping Monica Lewinsky? Keep me in mind for Veep.

STYLES CRADGEROCK: Is Herman Cain still here?

CAIN: Hi. I’m a Baptist preacher. I ran a Burger king.

BARRY HUSEIN: Anybody else got religion?

SANTORUM: I’m a Catholic. When I tell stories about myself I say things like, “Nobody did more than Rick Santorum.” I’m a moderate Republican.

BILLY: Hey Perry, don’t forget to look into the camera when you talk – that’s what Reagan did that won him the election and nobody’s done it yet tonite.

HUSEIN: Hey Romney, say something, camera’s on you, guy.

ROMNEY: I ran before for President and lost. Sometimes people run again and win but it’s reeeallly rare. When they win they’ve got a new hairdo or smile more or somepin’, but I’m pretty much the same dude. I’m just prayin’ people hate Obama now and that the other Republicans mess up in the next year to go. But honestly, I’m acting like a young Bob Dole, so so far the election is Obama’s to lose.

BILLY: Hey scary lady.

BACHMANN: I think everybody’s kind of confused, because they expect me to be anchoring this snorefest instead of being up here answering questions. I really feel I missed my calling, maybe filling in for Christiana Amanpor on CNN when she has the flu.

HARRIS: Thank you. Congressman Paul are you still alive?

PAUL: I was trying to get your attention a little while ago. There’s eight of us up here. I’m just rambling and babbling, but mandates, that’s what the whole society is about. Men dating men?

If you haven’t seen the hit and miss Sasha Baron Cohen picture, “Bruno”, you’ve missed a real chance to see more mandating then you’ve ever seen as straight Republicans. Repeat after me: “Man date.” That’s what we do all the time. That’s what government does.

And I do want to address the subject of $2 oil or gasoline. I can get you a gallon of gasoline for a dime. I have gas right now in my pants.

HARRIS: Time. Time. Thank you, Nuts.

PAUL: Well, I’ve got to finish the sentence. You didn’t give me time before. My punctuation was all screwy. I look like an owl. Hooooot!

(2 SCREAMS)

HUSEIN: Finish the sentence, or you’re all done?

PAUL: OK, I’m going to finish the sentence then.

PAUL: OK, you can buy a gallon of gasoline today for a silver dime. A silver dime is worth $3.50. I have the gas in my britches. I’m old.

HARRIS: Good answer.

Now, Governor Perry, I saw you nod your head. I like your body language.

PERRY: All my plants died cause the air around em was sucked up by my evil aura.

NANCY REAGAN: If you’re ever offered drugs, please, please, just say no.

PERRY: The drugs’re the only thing that keep me from launching off this platform, lil’ lady. And my hands, gripped sternly onto this lectern thingy. I’m going to talk into the camera again. Republican candidates are talking about ways to transition Social Security, and it is a monstrous lie.

It is a Fonzi scheme to tell our kids that are 25 or 30 years old today, you’re paying into a program that’s going to be there. Anybody that’s for the status quo with Social Security today is involved with a monstrous lie to our kids.

Oh-oh, no applause to my “monstrous lie” catch phrase. Why can’t I scare ya’ll into votin’ fer me?

HARRIS: I’m scared, sir. Scared stiff.

Let me follow on that. You mentioned the phrase “Fonzi scheme.” Are sure you didn’t mean “Potsie scheme”?

HARRIS: Vice President Cheney though said it’s not a Fonzi scheme. He whispered it in my ear. Now I seem to have lost hearing in it.

PERRY: I don’t care what anyone says.

HARRIS: Intriguing. Yet uninteresting… to those under 50.

HUSEIN: Governor Romney, let’s be blunt. Let’s be blunt. You’re…a Romulan. You weren’t born in this country. Or even on this planet. Your own people, the Romulans have pledged to destroy this planet and they have really bad haircuts.

Democrats are itching to use that kind of provocative language against Republicans, yet you acknowledge yourself that you sometimes can’t resist your Romulan bloodlust.

How do you have a candid question about the U.S. having a Romulan president without scaring seniors?

ROMNEY: Well, frankly, Romulans don’t want to eat seniors. And just like other Earthling presidents, I’d eat our young before anyone else, so much like Governor Perry, again, I’d like to encourage you to don’t think – vote.

HARRIS: Who is that, just outside the camera frame?

CAIN: John, I think the American people would like to hear a solution.

HARRIS: Forget your bag?

CAIN: Do you want to hear some more rhetoric or do you want to hear a solution?

HARRIS: Love.

CAIN: I happen to believe that yes, Social Security, it needs fixing, not continuing to talk about it. I believe in the Chilean model, and again, like Huntsman bringing up China and his Chinese language skills, this thing of saying these third rate countries are a model for America is gonna totally kill me after this debate.

It’s funny how in the past it was only people like Nutsy – excuse me – Ron Paul, who were talking this way, saying we brought 9/11 on ourselves through our misguided foreign policy and so on. Now, yeah, he’s bumbling about up here, but he’s shut up about all that idealizing foreign governments since we all saw where that got Kerry with his “I can speak French” in the 2004 election. But…uh, where was I?

(A SCREAM)

HARRIS: Somebody older here? Oh – Congressman Paul.

Your campaign put out a statement accusing Perry of pushing for bailout money, supporting welfare for illegal immigrants, and trying to forcibly vaccinate 12-year-old girls against sexually transmitted diseases.

He’s your home state governor. Is he less conservative than meets the eye?

PAUL: Much more so, yes.

Just take the HPV. Forcing 12-year-old girls to take an inoculation to prevent this sexually transmitted disease, this is not good medicine, I do not believe. I think it’s social misfit. Bumbling. Rambling. I could be killing Perry with this but I’m just so incoherent. I’m climbing down your chimney looking for presents. And peanuts?

BILLY: Mmm. Almonds. Makin’ me hungry!

Thank you, Congressman.
Governor Perry, we’ll get to you.
But, Congresswoman Bachmann, this is an issue you have also talked about, HPV.

BACHMANN: You cannot get HPV from your dominatrix. She’ll tie you up and humiliate you a little, but she will not have sex with you. I would certainly oppose that.

HUSEIN: Hey, who are you?

SANTORUM: I’m Rick Santorum. I have seven children, too, the wide receivers here (sports metaphor alert) and the tight ends here seven children each — but I am offended that — that the government would tell me — and by an executive order, without even going through the process of letting the people have any kind of input.

I would expect this from President Obama; I would not expect this from someone who’s calling himself a conservative governor, which is hilarious because I’m the most moderate up here, talking about getting Democratic votes n’ all.

HARRIS: Makes sense.

Governor Romney, you’ve been listening to this exchange. Who’s got the better end of it?

ROMNEY: You know, I believe in parental rights and parental responsibility for our kids. My guess is that Governor Perry would like to do it a different way second time through. We’ve each get — we’ve each taken a mulligan or two.

And — and my guess is that that’s something you’d probably do a little differently the second time. He just said he’d rather do it through legislation second time through. This is my attempt to get him to lay off and endorse me.

(A SCREAM)

GINGRICH: Brian?

WILLIAMS: Speaker Gingrich, 30 seconds. I have another line of questioning. Go ahead.

GINGRICH: Yeah, I just want to go back to the homeland security question, because I helped develop the model for homeland security. I hear you all gasping out there. It explains so much, right?

I mean, that this bumbling old mop top created the model for homeland security. No wonder the TSA is groping my grandmother’s goodies, right? That was my baby.

We need some capacity to respond to massive events that could kill hundreds of thousands of Americans in one morning. How come I don’t remember people voted against George Bush and Cheney’s scare 8 years of scaremongering in 2008 when they elected Obama?

WILLIAMS: Congressman Paul, this same line. You want to demolish the TSA. What would exist in its place?

PAUL: A nice bath would be nice. With the airlines that are responsible for carrying their cargo and their passengers. I mean, why — why should we assume that a bureaucracy can do better?

And look at the monstrosity we have at the airports. These TSA agents are abusive. Sometimes they’re accused of all kinds of sexual activities on the way they maul people at the airport. So the airlines could do that – they could maul people.

What happened before 1809? Or in prehistoric times? We didn’t have people. There were only animals and some plants I guess. But, yeah, my position is, we should have never had it. There’s a much better way of doing it.

I mean, this whole idea that the federal government can deal with weather and anything in the world, just got to throw a government there — FEMA’s broke. They’re $20 billion in debt. Prince, the ‘80’s rocker is bankrupt too, I heard on the short wave radio.

But I’m not for saying tomorrow close it down. I dunno what to do. Just lemme in there in the Oval Office with my son Rand, the one named after Ayn Rand and the Rand Institute that used to be a blogger. I’ll tell you what, if we did that and took the air conditioning out of the Green Zone, our troops would come home, and that would make me happy.

(HICCUPS)

WILLIAMS: Mr. Cain, thank you for staying so long tonite. Along these same lines, Majority Leader Eric Cantor, who is also a black man, and that’s why I thought of bringing him up, has said that federal disaster aid — this has been a big discussion of late — shouldn’t be given out unless there are kind of concurrent spending cuts to offset the cost. Do you join in on that?

CAIN: I believe that there’s enough money to go around. And I believe that, yes, you can find the concurrent spending cuts in order to be able to do that. Now a fly just flew in my face, so I’m gonna look crazy swatting it away and they just put up my blurb on TV and it says: Herman Cain, former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, which makes me look like a thug and a chump compared to everyone else up here, although at least I’m not creepy like the rest.

Despite all this I’m gonna keep my cool. But my prob is like Gingrich and Paul, I come off like a lecturing complainer. Too old, too old. They thought I was gonna be the neutralizer to Barack Obama – look, the Republicans are running a black guy, too.

But I’m just too old, is the thing. I could be Obama’s grandfather. Plus, they’re running me against Paul, who believes the same things I do, plus some nutty stuff, and even running Ms. Bachmann up here against Sarah Palin in the hopes that she may just show up to confront her evil twin.

HUSEIN: Speaker Gingrich, tell us about your experience with education. School’s basically a bummer, right?

(GIGGLES)

GINGRICH: I visited schools where, three years earlier, there were fights, there were dropouts, there was no hope. Rap music was all over the place. They were taken over by a charter school in downtown Philadelphia, and all of a sudden the kids didn’t fight anymore, because they were disciplined.

They were all asked every day, what college are you going to? Not are you going to go to college, what college are you going to?

After 2 or 3 days of these repeated questions, the students became even more violent, and dozens of the questioners were slain. And so I am very much in favor of school choice.

WILLIAMS: I want to introduce another line of questioning by introducing yet another colleague of ours, Jose Diaz-Balart, from our sister network Telemundo.

Hey, my friend, how are you? You’ve gained a lot of weight, but in the right places, I see.

DIAZ-BALART: Good evening. Nice to see you all. Nice to see you all. Any beer left?

(A SCREAM)

I want to talk about a subject that was very dear to the heart of President Reagan, who remains dead, which is immigration reform.

Governor, I’d like to ask you, border state governor, what specifically, in your mind, would make the border secure?

PERRY: Predator drones could be flown, with Darth Maul flying em, that real-time information coming down to the local and the state and the federal law enforcement.

For the President of the United States to go to El Paso, Texas, and say that the border is safer than it’s ever been, either he has some of the poorest intel of a president in the history of this country, or he was an abject liar to the American people.

I love calling people liars.

HARRIS: Speaker Gingrich, your perception on immigration reform? And you’ve been, I think, in some ways, a little different on your initial positions.

GINGRICH: In 1986, when Duran Duran had their first comeback tour, I voted for the Simpson-Mazzoli Act, which in fact did grant some amnesty in return for promises.

President Reagan wrote in his diary that year that he signed the act because we were going to control the border and we were going to have an employer program where it was a legal guest worker program.

That’s in his diary. It’s probably the most boring entry in his diary. The best parts are the sex scenes, which I’m not at liberty to discuss as the former first lady is here with us tonite. But if she gets up for a bathroom break, hit me with your questions.

We should make English the official language of government. We should insist that first-generation immigrants who come here learn American history in order to become citizens. We should also insist that American children learn American history. But all these things involve writing new case law, which ain’t gonna happen.

What is more realistic is to build robots and have them do the cooking and cleaning jobs Americans don’t wanna do. And the robots don’t have to be ugly. They can be made verrrry attractive, if you know what I mean.

HARRIS: Love. Sorry…guy number 6?

SANTORUM: Look, I’m the son of an Italian immigrant. No one’s told a long boring immigrant story tonite yet, so lemme be the one. If you could maybe play some Journey that’d spice it up. We should not have a debate talking about how we don’t want people to come to this country, but we want them to come here like my grandfather and my father came here.

They came because they wanted to be free and they wanted to be good law-abiding citizens. Their stories were told in some of the most boring movies ever made. If you want to see exciting stories about immigrants to this country, I suggest The Godfather. Great fucken movie.

HARRIS: A quick 1-second rebuttal on the specific question. Ms. Bachmann?

BACHMANN: One thing that we do know, our immigration law worked beautifully back in the 1950s, up until the early 1960s, when only white people had rights and when people had to demonstrate that they had money in their pocket, they had no contagious diseases, they weren’t a felon, they were white.

They had to agree to learn to speak the English language, they had to learn American history and the Constitution.

And the one thing they had to promise is that they would not become a burden on the American taxpayer. That’s all from a dream I had or some cheesy movie from somewhere. That’s what we have to enforce, I guess.

HARRIS: Oh, Super. Thank you.

(A SCREAM)

HARRIS: Mr. Cain? Still with us?

CAIN: Let’s make sure — let’s solve all of the problems. It’s not one problem. Let’s stay up late.

I do believe we can secure the border with a combination of boots on the ground, technology, and Darth Maul, but we’ve got three other problems. And to get to it, we’ve got to secure the border.

HARRIS: Oh great. Thank you.

Governor?

HUNTSMAN: I would just have to say that I agree with so much of what has been said here today, so I know I look young, but please, Romney or Perry, pick me for V.P. I promise I won’t undermine you.

President Reagan, when he made his decision back in 1987, to dye his hair jet black, he saw that as a human issue. And I hope that all of you, if I dye my grey hair black, don’t comment on it. I came here in an illegal fashion tonite. I took a car from a Canadian tourist, telling them I had an important government errand to run.

Everyone commits crimes. It’s fun. It’s sexy. This is America – we should penalize everyone who commits crimes, and we don’t – only those who are dumb enough to get caught. And yes, they should be punished in some form or fashion.

I have two daughters that came to this country, one from China, one from India, legally. I see this issue through their eyes. One wears contacts and the other bifocals, so afterwards I sometimes have visions that allow me to solve crimes. That’s one thing I do Sunday afternoons.

We can’t find a solution. As Ron Paul knows, life just goes on and we’re stuck in it. If President Reagan were here, he’d be dead and it would freak us out. We have to agree.

HUSEIN: Is Ron Paul still here?

PAUL: I don’t believe that’s what America is all about. I just really don’t. We can enforce our law. If we had a healthy economy, this wouldn’t be such a bad deal. People are worrying about jobs. But every time you think about this toughness on the border and I.D. cards and real ideas, think that it’s a penalty against the American people, too.

That sounds OK, but I speak way too fast and just wait, and it starts to sound like hyper crazy-talk.

I think this fence business is designed and may well be used against us and keep us in. There’s my hint at crazy conspiracy theory – the fence isn’t designed to keep the Mexicans out – it’s designed to keep the fearful white people in. Someone call Paul Verhoeven, I smell a screenplay. Robo Cop 4!

HARRIS: Thank you. Tasty.

WILLIAMS: To my colleague, Jose Diaz-Balart. Thank you. Thank you very much. Truly touching stuff.

HARRIS: No, Thank you.

WILLIAMS: Life’s too short. We spend so much of it online.

Governor Perry, a question about Texas. Your state has executed 234 death row inmates, more than any other governor in modern times.
Have you struggled to sleep at night with the idea that any one of those might have been innocent?

PERRY: No, sir. I’ve never struggled with that at all. I have no conscience whatsoever. I just act. You think George W. lacked lack critical skills? Wait til I get in there, boy!

If you come to Texas you will be Texecuted. Especially if you’re dressed like Cradgerock over here.

WILLIAMS: What do you make of…

(APPLAUSE)

What do you make of that dynamic that just happened here, the mention of Texecution of 234 people drew applause?

PERRY: I think Americans love execution, and Texecution just sounds catchy and kinda rolls off the tongue. My personal favorite is death by electric eel – where I sorta put the eel…

BILLY: Ooooh gross. Time. Time.

HARRIS: Mr. Cain, are you still here? Mr. Cain, I’d like to get you into this tax discussion we’ve had recently.

CAIN: I’d rather talk about death by electric eel. I don’t think the people are gonna remember, uh, the tax discussion.

HARRIS: Taxes. Take it or leave it. The General Electric Corporation last year — this is a prominent case — made $14.2 billion in profits worldwide, but paid no U.S. taxes. Perfectly legal, but does it strike you as fair?

CAIN: This is why I proposed my 9-9-9 plan. The government needs to get out of the business of picking winners and losers. The government needs to get out of the business of trying to figure out who gets a tax break here, who gets a tax break there.

When you go to 9-9-9, it levels the playing field for all businesses. What a novel idea. And the government won’t be in the business of trying to determine who’s going to be able to make more money and pay no taxes and vice versa.

The president simply does not understand that the business sector is the engine for economic growth.

(A SCREAM)

WILLIAMS: Talk about taxes and plans just bores me to tears.

Somewhat — somewhat hard to believe.

The campaigns have notified us we’re actually a few minutes over the time we were allotted for tonight, and so our questioning will have to come to an end, with hearty thanks to so many people, most notably the many many candidates here on stage, but to the good folks here at the Reagan Library, the Reagan Foundation, notably, Mrs. Reagan?

To our partners in all of this, Politico, my partner in the questioning, John here, The Brutal Times…thank you very much. Terrific.
And thank you all for watching. Our coverage will continue, but not in prime time. That wraps up our live coverage of this portion of the debate from Southern California.

(HICCUPS, SOUNDS OF CHILD BEING BORN).

Camera opens on empty Presidential lectern in darkened White House hallway.

President Obama appears, looking serious.

OBAMA:

My fellow Americans, good evening. Tonite, I have the pleasure of telling you Osama bin Laden is dead, killed by U.S. troops in Pakistan, at my direction. Our collective unconscious nightmare has come to an end.

I was supposed to come on CNN at 10:30 pm. First Yahoo offered a teaser, saying I would announce “something”, but offering no details. Then CNN ratched up the suspense with a black screen on the Internet, with no image or sound. Never before has someone been able to command the attention of a live TV audience and the global Internet in such a manner. It gave you the same feeling as waiting for Guns N’ Roses to come on, or, if you’re old enough, the Stones, back in the day.

At this point, you’re feeling strongly that this speech should have been historic. I understand that. Much like President Bush’s March 19, 2003 speech to the nation, in which he justified his decision to invade Iraq, this speech, by definition of its content, is historic.

But something is definitely missing.

Something is not right.

It could be that my voice, much like Bush’s back then, is stilted, and zombie-like. It could be, that like Bush’s speech in 2003, I am making this speech in an election year – Bush, you’ll recall, was also not doing so hot in the polls until he announced his decision to whack Saddam.

But most of all, it’s probably because, you expected more from me.

More from me than similarities to George W. Bush.

I understand.

I let you down.

If you supported me in 2008, you feel I sold out and became another Bill Clinton. Although I promised change, I’m either too afraid of the Republicans, despite the overwhelming support I got from the American people to wipe the floor with Bush’s policies; or I was bullshitting you all along, and I was never that much different from any other politician. Those of you who believe the last one – see me on the golf course, later.

So, I – hold on, hold on – I promise I’ll get back to Bin Laden later – I feel your pain. The thing of it is, is, we know you who supported me in 2008 aren’t gonna vote for The Donald, and there’s no younger, more vibrant, energetic, honest-looking leader in sight on the Democratic side. So, if you vote, and you’re against Donald Trump, you’re gonna vote for me. Unless…you don’t vote at all, and then The Donald…actually has a chance at winning.

But let me get back to Osama bin Laden. Before I go, I want to remind the American people that America is not, and has never been, at war with Islam. And if you believe that, I respectfully ask for your vote again next fall.

By all rights, tonite’s speech should have been a celebration. Instead, it feels like a campaign rally, and something eerily set designed to set the stage for yet another long walk down the deep, dark, unconvinced corridor of your unconscious.

Good night, America, and sweet dreams.

Town criers and barely able to function baristas peppered Mrs. Clinton, whom also goes by the nom de plume Hillary, with questions about her height, favorite foods, and iPod contents. But the pleasant atmosphere was predictably shock-rocked when Clinton received an unscreened question via the fabulous Internet social networking service Fluffer, asking yet again, if she will run for president in 2012.

“No, no, no, no, no – No I will not,” Mrs. Clinton insisted, in response to the unscripted Fluff, sent by Chinese democracy dissident Richard Penn, 51, who is serving a life sentence somewhere in the People’s Republic for once upon a time in 1997 advocating a 2 party political system.

“How about in 2016?” pressed Brutal Times intern Pfaff Onclear, 15, in between bites of a medium chicken falafel.

“Well, there – as you know, Pfaff – that looks delicious – there probably isn’t going to be a 2016, but if there is I certainly won’t be running for president at that junction, Pfaff.”

And on it went. The questions come at a potentially sensitive time for Clinton, whom like anyone anywhere has a sensitive side, and when you get right down to it, prefers routine and structure to leading an unscripted life of threesomes and prescription drugs. Plus, as with so much somewhere, some things happen, get forgotten and maybe happen again? All afternoon, and into the next day, and the wee hours of in your face, shouts were heard and meanings to them were assigned, dropped and reassigned. And then… just as everyone had given up and was ready for a bedtime snack I remembered how there was no other choice other than Sarah Palin and McCain for president, since America certainly is never gonna elect a Romulan.

“What about…2110?”

“Styles, I’ll be 162 years old then.”

“And so will I – but you haven’t answered my question, lady”

“Well, I think – with all due respect to your question, Mr. Cradgerock – and that cheese falafel looks delicious – I think it’s too early to…to start talking about 2110, and things that are…a hundred and one years down the road.”

“OK, sure. Then, how about 2112? You’d be a fresh face by then.”

“Well, I think it is something that, given the right set of circumstances, and if there was some way Barack could be totally humiliated and made to apologize in some eternal way, that I would consent to do that.”

Understand?

“We wanted to snort it so bad,” ejaculated Bismark Suffolk, 20, an immune diplomat who heard about the powder. “But they said they weren’t sure it was cocaine, so we’d better not,” he went on.

No one contacted by The Brutal Times had a clue whut the powder was or where they were.

Full disclosure: The Brutal Times only thought about contacting people.

Still, other underground bloggers at CNN and the rest lost interest soon after it became known that some cute pet stories had been leaked by WikiLeaks.

“It’s a no-brainer,” quipped Hazel Badge, 8, a stringer for InfoSandwich News Services. “Unless that powder’s going up a cute puppy’s nose, people are gonna lose interest faster than you can say “Don’t taze me, bro.”

Or are they, bro?

Obama briefed reporters in the White House Beer Garden yesterday on his decision to select General David Petraeus for the job. Cornelius and Dr. Zaius stood by sipping cold non-alcholoic tall boys but giving no outward signs of emotion.

Obama will send eight more brigades of starship troopers to Afghanistan before 2012, says Dwayne Nostradamus, who is also predicting the continuing of the recession, followed by the destruction of the planet around that time. Yet Mr. Nostradamus also predicted General Urko as a shoe-in for the Afghan jobbie, so who knows, right?

General Urko displayed his displeasure at the Petraeus pick , Twittering expletive-laden sports metaphors from The Planet of the Apes, where he is currently stationed.

The Brutal Times, in consideration of family values, has declined to reprint the comments at this time.

But we may sell them later on a dvd.

U.S. Senator Mitt Romney, who grew up on nearby Romulus, accused Obama of “playing favoritism” in picking a fellow human for the post.

“I don’t think (the Petraeus pick) really mirrors us as an intergalactic society,” Romney said in Romulan.

Then he began to twist and frug the night away to the grinding bass of The Beastie Boys’ “Intergalactic”.

Or did he?

Oh no.

Hot sweaty tensions were ratched up and ramped up Tuesday when the North, wearing only a thong and a backpack, pretended not to know the South, when they passed by each other in Pasta La Vista, the South’s trendiest trattatoria.

“I saw them at Pasta La Vista Tuesday afternoon and they didn’t even say ‘hi’”, complained the South.

“They’ve really crossed the line now,” chimed La Vista regular Ray Goolens, 44, referring to South Korea. “I expect we’ll all be speaking North Korean anyday,” he went on, possibly in reference to a likely nuclear attack on the South by the North this weekend.

“We hate the regulars,” said La Vista owner Grande Chef Otto. “They just take up space,” he went on.

Full disclosure: Grande Chef Otto is a regular feature columnist for the Brutal Times. He paid me to write this article.

North Korea has better ribs than South Korea. Even vegans admit it’s so.

“It’s so,” said vegan Lynee Jep, 22, rubbing my thigh.

Full disclosure: Lynee Jep does not exist.

Full disclosure: I have no thighs.

In South Korea all week government workers have been sitting at their desks surfing the Internet.

In North Korea there is no Internet.

When Al Gore visited there last year he promised to hook one up if the North dumped their nukes in the river.

“We could not understand him,” said one North Korean official, Carl Underwood, 12. “I don’t know if his English was any good or not; I just kept looking at his head,” he went on.

So, is there any solution to the Crisis in the Gulf? Can’t the two Koreas merge and blend into a multicultural rainbow?

It’s a question someone should put on an exam somewhere.

“Maybe the North feels really guilty about what it did and is going around really discombobulated,” U.N. head honcho quipped on his Facebook homepage.

Or did he?

And the nominees for Iraq’s prime minister are…

Nouri al-Maliki – The prime minister is chasing a second, seventy-eight year term in a plush corner office in Baghdad’s tallest building, The Phallus, contesting this election as the head of his Tough Love Coalition. Al-Maliki first shock-rocketed to fame in May 2006 after winning the priemership during a game of rock, paper, scissors. Al-Maliki himself has said he favors “coarse language” over beheadings and swift punches to the carotid artery, and is a champion of targeted so-called “smart pinches” to the bum-bum. Plus, “I like the American English word ‘douchebag’ he says now, “but it is difficult to make rhymes with,” he steamed.

Since becoming prime minister, Al-Maliki has insisted all Iraqi government sext messages be conducted in verse. He particularly likes New Wave lyrics writtenby the J. Geils Band. “That’s why he is so cool,” says JamJam, an exotic dancer at the club I was resting at. Al-Maliki has been harhly criticized for depending on a small but gifted troupe of sex trade workers from his BoogieDown Party to advise him on everything, from what kind of brunch he should order to the best method of execution for bad people. Al-Maliki likes blondes, generally a little shorter than average, and says he “doesn’t care so much” about breast size.

Jalal Talabani: This award-winning breakdance king and sidewalk chalk artist is serving a second term as president and loves it so much he’s giving up his freedom to do it just one more time, for another eighty-two years. He founded the Patriotic Union of Kurdistan in 1975, tattooing “Kurdistan is Super-fine” on his inner thigh later that night. But after travelling to Helsinki, Talibani changed his mind about Kurdistan being the best place for booty. “He came back from there (Helsinki) and he smelled like a bum,” Talabani’s best friend Milo Oots says. “Then he showed me all the chalk art sketches he had done of the hot babes he met there and I began to see that he wasn’t totally insane,” he went on. According to Cute Pets Magazine, which profiled Talabani for its winter Schnauzer issue, the two best friends renamed their party the “I Wanna Move to Helsinki – Who’s with Me? Party”. Teens and seniors broke windows in Talabani’s chalet, complaining that the new name was “confusing” and too long. The name change did, however, garner Talabani a mistress – pert 58-year-old Canadian model Undo, whose hobbies include horseback riding and shrieking.

Adel Abdul-Mahdi: The Shiite vice president is a French-speaking ventriloquist who has an English accent. At 756 pounds in the raw, Abdul-Mahdi has been a prime minister in waiting since 2005. “First I waited in front of the parliamnet buildings,” he says now, “but there  was no shade and so I got this hideous sunburn down the middle of my face.” Later, Abdul-Mahdi waited in his car and a nearby supermarket; still the plumb position failed to come a knocking. A big fan of the Iranian-backed Spreme Islamic Iraqi Council Party, Abdul-Mahdi twice came close to being prime minister but missed out to candidates from the Dawa Party who had woken up earlier and arrived at parliament before him. “I forgot to set my alarm clock,” he says now.

Tariq al-Hashemi: The Sunni vice president, his eyes popping out like raw eggs, is Iraq’s reigning veggie hot dog eating champion. He has been among the harshest critics of Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, joking about his height, weight, and hygiene. After quitting school at 54, Al-Hashemi roamed the streets “twisting and frugging the night away”. “I thought I’d never get enough af all night karaoke,” he confided to me, winking at something he saw somewhere.

So, what happened, man?

“I got enough of all-night karaoke,” he says now.

Muqtada al-Sadr: The sexy author of S&M manuals is not running in the election but has endorsed the vote, saying, “I like it, and at the same time, I don’t.” In the past, Al-Sadr – who is single, girls  – denounced elections as a sham because they were held under the American “occupation”. But unnamed insiders like Ray Goolens say he may merely be biding his time until his agent gets an offer for him to star in a mainstream Hollywood comedy film or tv series. “I  see Al-Sadr, and I think of Ice T on Law & Order, or Ice Cube in Friday,” says impresario Matsumoto Boy, Sadr’s longtime agent at BB Fun Corp.

Ayad Allawi: The former prime minister is the self-taught face of secular politics in boring post-Saddam Iraq. People adore his lack of acne and other skin troubles. “If I could, I’d like, graft his face – onto my face,” inisted my daughter, Trixie, 17. “But I would wax the moustache first,” she went on.

Back in the 1990′s, Allawi worked as an all-night lion tamer, before turning his back on the profession when people he didn’t like “started copying me.”

How did you feel when you told the top tamer you were quitting?

“I felt wickedly liberated.”

Ibrahi al-Jaafari: is like, Jeez - another former prime minister!?! Best remembered for his refusal to buy drinks for the Brutal Times, this is all the space he gets.

Ahmad Chalabi: With his boyish smile, former Hollywood Yoga instructor Chalabi is running in the same coalition led by the Supreme Etc. Once a Bush family favorite, Chalabi failed to win a seat in the last parliamentary election, in 2005, and has spent the last 5 years standing up. “I can’t wait to sit down,” he says now. Chalabi’s groovy relations with the United States soured when the sweet inteligence he provide on Saddam’s WMDs caused the US to invade Iraq, suffering thousands of casualties and deaths, whilst wiping out untold scores of Iraqis over a 7 year period. “Yeah, I made few mistakes,” he says now.

Or does he?