MySpace morning man Randy Andy, 45, said Ghadafi, or “MG” as fans call him, is “pumped for a new album and tour”, even though he hasn’t released anything since his hit single, “Chad”, back in the ’80′s.

“MG – Mommy – is pumped for a new a new album and tour, and his doctors say he’ll be able to perform 10,000 shows at London’s 02 stadium next month if he isn’t assassinated by some hater first,” Andy went on.

MySpace has been courting the Middle Earth heavyweight ever since people forgot about it (MySpace).

“FaceBook and Twitter have that Mark Zuckerberg guy in their ads and Steve Jobs, Google has Obama…Ghadafi is basically the only celebrity left,” a spokesperson from MySpace said, on the condition that they not be named in this article because we made them up.

Hey, how should we spell Ghadafi’s name? Is it Ghadafi, or Gaddafi, or..?

“Just choose one, stick that in the headline of your blog and tag all the rest.”

Okey-doke.

But, hey, how about that guy…what’sisname?

“Obama?”

Yeah! What’s he thinkaboutit?!?

“Obama, speaking on condition that he not be named in this article as he didn’t know what he was talking about…”

Ho….good one!

Or is it?!?

Arcade Fire.

Twitter.

Your iPhone.

FaceBooger.

Social networking.

Williamsburg.

Tokyo.

China.

Egypt.

Hillary “Hot” Rodham Clinton.

Billiam Clinton.

Eminem.

Rihanna.

Green Day.

Sum 41.

April the Wine.

Toronto.

Cock Blocker.

Naoto Kan.

Right wing Japanese sound trucks.

Movies.

The University of Tokyo.

The University of Toronto.

Film school.

Snoop Doggie.

Dr. Dre.

Madonna.

Michael Moore.

Oliver Stone.

Atom Egoyan.

Bars.

The Simpsons.

Vice Magazine.

Mohammed El Baradei.

Cocaine.

Ban Ki Moon.

The Onion.

U2.

Stingk.

REM.

The Pixies.

Hole.

The Foo Fighters.

Ben Folds.

H&M.

England.

Afghanistan.

Iran.

James Cameron.

Tony Blair.

The British royal family.

The Japanese royal family.

Hip hop (rap).

John McCain.

Wilco minus Jay.

Radiohead.

Any current Japanese celebrity on television.

Kid Rock.

Beer.

What what what?!?

Bush, apparently, being given yet another chance to rehabilitate his legacy, will head the Obama administration’s first original war.

“We (Mr Bush & Clinton) kinda, took a lotta the options off the table, you know, before he came into office,” explained Mr Bush in a joint press conference with Mr Clinton, Sunday. “I had, you know, the ‘war on terror’ – although really it was Scooter’s idea,” he went on.

“And I had, you know, even though I guess you could say it kind started with Ronald Reagan, and uh, continued under Mr Bush’s father – ah, we had, you know, ‘the war on drugs’ in my administration,” Mr Clinton attempted.

Although Mr Obama has yet to wrap up either the “war on terror” or the “war on drugs” his own administration is seeking to define itself in a whole new global struggle against what is perhaps man (and woman)’s deadliest enemy.

“We’re gonna be fighting against Nature,” said Mr Bush.

“But that doesn’t mean we’re – I don’t think the president is necessarily scrapping ah cap and trade, or ah the Kyoto Protocols,” Mr Clinton ejaculated.

“Nature…is bad,” Mr Bush went on. “Unless we stops it, more o’ these tremblers can happen, and that’s why Bill and I are ah stepping up to meet this valuable threat.”

“And you saw, after, from with Katrina, that Nature was bad, even then,” Mr Clinton prompted.

“What’s that?”

“You, well, despite what the media ah had been reporting, ah there were some valuable lessons to be learned from the hurricane experience in New Orleans, ah back in 2003 or 2004,” Mr Clinton went on.

“Well…I don’t…I don’t follow you.”  To the Brutal Times: “Listen, we don’t always agree on the issues, but he’s been over at my house and I ate hot dogs in his yard,” he went on.

So will this new “war” like, have all sorts of fancy new associated media catchphrases like “make no mistake”, “ratchet up” “radicalise” or “Nigerian man”?

(Laughing) “I think I’m gonna have to let George answer that one, although I think I may have to claim credit for “three strikes or you’re out” Mr Clinton ejaculated.

“Well, in all seriousness – and this, what we got here, this’s a serious matter, I think what we oughtta instead to be doing, (instead of thinking up new catchphrases…like WON) is to – ask what can people be doing…to help, prepare for this courageous battles.”

Oooooooooh!  This is new. Okay, whut can we do?

“I’d like to make the request, that the American people go and see Avatar – everything, all you need to know’s in that one movie.”

Understand?

The soon-to-be-released 16 cute pet stories brings the total of cute pet stories released to public view by Obama to 17. On his first day as president he released “Topps: the Story of the Cutest Dog with Whiskers”. The 180 word story featured a photo of Topps, which spread over Internet chat rooms dwarfing everyone’s attention for weeks.

“I couldn’t remember who, or where I was,” Ben Haiye, 25, said, recalling how days and months after he had downloaded Topps’ creamy visage from his kompyooter machine he was unable to move his limbs or cry for help. “But that’s not to say I wouldn’t do it again,” he went on.

“Sixteen cute pet stories will be released to the unworthy public,” confirmed Fern Bo, an White House hanger-on. “And I just think it’s so great of Barack to be doing that,” she went on. She had that whole sexy waif look going on; underfed and underslept, but it kinda worked for her.

Yes, 2010 is off to a great start, yet some whiners just won’t let up.

“No, I am not happy – about Obama’s decision to release these…pet stories,” whined barista Todd Hill,21. “I voted…for Obama because I thought he was something different; it’s just more of the same pap,” he totally over-reacted.

One of the new cute pet stories is about a cat named Rags, the Brutal Times has learned.

Rags is an invisible cat whom only appears on rainy nights at 3am. Then, Rags sinks its ten inch fangs into its victims’ necks and sucks out their mucas supply. Then when the victims go to blow their noses they blows their brains out.

“I think they are going to very seriously regret having rushed these so-called “cute pet stories” out to the public, said Chip Valse, an anonymous spokesperson for potential 2012 Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “There are a lot of stories in there that are going to keep you and me and our families up all night,” he ejaculated.

Cute pet stories and their erstwhile Internet companion, cute pet videos keep a lid on things worldwide. Before their invention in the ’80′s looting was pandemic. Just looking at a cute fuzzy-wuzzy has been known to calm even the most brutal of men and womenfolk.

That last part I just cut and pasted from some random source.

Sorry.

“Oh no you guys,” Gates said, “we just want to see other people for awhile.”

Gates, and U.S.A. America United States et al have been in an 8 year relationship with mountainous Afghanistan.

“At the start the relationship was exciting, like a sort of conquest,” explained Secretary of State Hillary ‘Hot’ Rodham Clinton, rummaging through a pack of Pringles sour cream and onion potato chips. “But in any lasting relationship one partner can’t remain on top forever – it gets stale,” she went on.

“How are those chips?” a crier asked.

“Not bad,” answered Ms Clinton.

Speculation as to the real reasons behind the current shying away from Afghanistan by the U.S. was rife at table 7A, where a family of four were wolfing down towering stacks of pancakes and homefries. I crawled under their table for a listen.

DAD: Well Jimmy, you’re old enough to think about politics now, whadduh you think the president thinks we oughtta get out and play the field for a while?

JIMMY: Essentially, I think what President Obama and others on his staff are thinking is that they-”

DAD: Right – they want to try other sizes, which is natural, nothing wrong with that.”

MOM: They met someone in a bar, someone exciting.

SIS: They’re hamstrung by a mixture of guilt, fear and ennui.

ALL: Shuuuut uppppp!!!

Nevertheless officials in the highest ranks of the government are denying that the U.S. is dumping Afghanistan.

“I called Afghanistan just last night and its cool with you know, just not taking things so seriously for a while while the president (Obama) thinks things over about you know, where he wants the relationship to go,” Mr Gates ejaculated.

Or did he?

The new TOEIC test will include pillow talk.

“Pillow talk began in the court outhouse of the Japanese prince Sei Shogun,” informed Ray Goolens, a long-time foreign man in Japan who studies Japanese in Starbucks coffee restaurants.

“Stop saying that I ‘study Japanese in Starbucks coffee restaurants’ “, he said, “it’s hurting my game.”

Anyway, Mr Goolens should know because he has much knowledge of porno and so on. He has much time to find his dream in between his jobbie as a “teacher of foreign languages in Japan” or TIT as it is called by Japanese.

“That’s not true, what you just said,” he said.

And then the TOEIC test hated by many Japanese as required to gain entrance to prestigious companies as Sony, BB FunCorp and so on had changed. As of yesterday that test required new Pillow Talk Section.

I was so shocked at that news.

OMG!

So Ms Kotohara Mitsue, 56,  had studied long hours at Ikebukero’s English Prison conversational school. Then her teacher of conversational English Mr Chad DeBarge, 23, of Miami  had suggest her to turn to page 69.

“Now, please turn to page 69,” he said.

“Hai”.

“Now repeat after me – ‘Rub my red-hot thighs’”.

Luckily young Ms Mitsue had called the manager of English Prison, Mr Sato Jiro, 79. Mr Sato informed Narita airport and Mr DeBarge was flown to his home in America by economic crisis class.

But.

“Only later did I learn I had made an horrible mistake,” Mr Sato informed me in Japanese by way of FAX modem. “Mr Chad had merely carried out his new duty according to the guidelines posted on the wall of his cube at English Prison,” he lamented.

Yes, as of September 2009 Japanese system had changed to require pillow talk be made a part of the curriculum of all TOEICs.

“It’s kind of a conspiracy theory we cooked up and put into action in our free time,” explained Fred Young, a spokesperson at Tokyo’s US Embassy. “It comes from the top down – Obama knows about it, he came up with the plan and he even wrote a lot of the spicier dialogues,” he went on.

Or did he?

Still it won’t make a difference.

President Obama promised to stave off winter this year but he failed.

After the winter is over holy cow do you look like shit. It’s those six months of fun aged you 17 years.

Your skin falls off and the blood freezes in your veins.

Mother Nature laughs and laughs. She’s like a character in a Black Sabbath song. Or a Jonas Brothers song, if that’s what floats your boat.

Some people like to break up their spiritually-crushing winter experience with Christmas, and the food sure is delicious.

Still, is Christmas all that good?

In Indiana we don’t even get snow, so we can’t engage in the so-called winter sports. And sleeping is forbidden. A lot of schools and institutes enforce strict study during the winter. If you try and slack off people really look down on you and you can wind up celibate.

During winter.

But me I love winter. I love soup too. When was the last time you had a good soup of your own cultural leaning? Christ I think I had one about 16 years ago. Maybe I’ll make one now.

Or will I?

By the way, did you know – North Korea is trying to start a big fucking war with Japan.

Since April (I think) they have fired a whole bunch of missiles at us.

Today they fired six more (so far).

How about, if it’s not too much trouble,

NUKING THEM?!?

I mean, fuck – enough is enough.

I was enjoying chatting with my cousin, Sato-san, and he said if you don’t perk up your ears pronto and retaliate we are going to nuke up and turn that island to the left of us into (insert derogatory slur of your own choosing here).

I look forward to your reply (hopefully in the form of a massive onslaught next door).

Sincerely yours,

Japan.

The mythic album “Thom Steps Out,” was recorded at the height of the Heads’ radioactive career, just after the release of their semen album, “Pablo’s Honey” in 1986.

Producer Phil Spector who is now in Sing Sing Prison in Los Angeles’ Sing Sing Correctional Facility receiving guidance oversaw the missing of the album’s laff track and pointed an AK-47 at Yorke during most of the album’s fourteen month long session.

“Phil misplaced the master tapes, apparently leaving them under a box of Kleenex,” confirmed Spector’s buxom bride Rachel Spector. “I came across them one day when I was looking for something with which to blow my nose.”

At that time Ms. Spector had the flu.

Details of the triple album are sketchy but a debate is raging online on such great social networking inventions as FaceBook and Fluffer and Hotmail.

Many in Iran took a time out from revolutioning to Fluff and Face online in search of track listings or illegal download opportunities from Mr. Yorke’s recording.

“When I download an album illegally I express my freedom,” said Larry Wilson, 35, a barista at a Tehran Starbucks.

Likewise North Korea’s head honcho Kim Il Jong was absent from war strategy sessions for most of the afternoon and rumored to be online himself conducting Google searches for the Thom Yorke laugh bonanza.

“Kim Jong has the funniest sense of humor in the world,” intoned North Korea’s official news agency, Reuters. “He is much funnier than Obama, who is wooden, awkward and uptight,” it went on.

Interesting.

Although The Brutal Times has obtained a copy of  Thom Steps Out and listened to most of it while vacuuming the apartment and texting various people and totaling up the household bills, it would be improper to reveal much about it, less you refrain from its purchase and decline Mr. Yorke’s record company of its blood money.

But here’s some of what you can expect:

THOM: Hey….What do you call the uh, the…What do you call the ah grass that ah the baseball players stand on ah in the ah field there in Cuba?

AUDIENCE: (tittering, no response to query)

THOM: Ah…it’s ah…Cas-tro turf.

Pause.

AUDIENCE: Oh-ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Etc.

Solid gold.

Commissioner Gordon announced through his FaceBook homepage that “Batman has fired Robin,” effective as of 4pm this Tuesday March 10.

The global credit crunch, or GGRUNGE as it is known by fans, has been rumored to be striking sidekicks with increasing frequency this week, with early reports coming out of Washington that Captain America had canned the Falcon.

A spokesperson for America, Ms. Hortense Underwood (who is a temp) declined to use the term “canned” in reference to the Falcon, although she did admit he had “been laid off indefinitely” and asked to “turn in his mask”.

As for Robin?

“Robin is a very important part of what the Batman, or as you younger folk know him as – the Dark Knight – does,” glommed Batman’s handler Russell B. Manell, of Veal McDougall & Associates. “As for Robin – rest assured we care,” he went on, vaguely.

Robin was more direct about his feelings when asked for his reaction to the startling turn of events.

“He’s a prick, basically. He thinks – the whole thing is just him and well, I guess we’ll just see how he is if he goes solo,” Robin screamed.

I mean he really screamed it into my face.

He was pissed, safe to say.

Ray Goolens, who used to be a doctor of some sort at some point says he thinks “some people just aren’t going to be able to make the leap” between one day being on top of the world and kicking ass alongside some bigwig superhero and “the next day being a complete total futureless loser”.

Sounds so grim, Jim.

“I give Robin a week to live,” claimed Goolens. “Ten days, max. Then – Ka-Pow!”

Suicide solution?

“Yes…yes, that’s what I mean. You’re not too quick are you?”

Sounds serious. So what can regular-type folk do to, ah avert the coming crisis?

“Things are gonna get get worse before they get better,” says Jason Peacebaker, 30, who reads graphic novels (comic books).

“Basically, Batman doesn’t need Robin; Captain America doesn’t need the Falcon, and the audience doesn’t really care that much about them other than for occasional bits of comic relief,” he informed.

But, geez, these are real sidekicks – not those guys in comics.

“Graphic novels. Look, if Robin really wants to keep his jobbie he’s gonna have to get competitive, streamlined, start jogging, etc.”

Robin doesn’t jog?

“He’s a big midnight snacker, actually. And – his teeth are a mess. Very unappealing,” insisted Mr Peacebaker.

Still.

I asked Robin what he was gonna do.

“Well, not a whole hell of a lot, obviously. I may grow a mustache. But other than that no other plans at the moment really.”

Man!

Come on, Obama. Get on the ball! We really need you to sort this thing out lickety split, afore we all got things on our conscience from turnin’ on our friends.

Am I right?