In previous years – 2008, 2007 and so on, cute pet stories tended to be eclipsed by political coverage, current events, business news and so on.

But God said from now on, “Let it be otherwise”.

The result? I said already above – 2009 was the cutest year yet for pets, online on the ‘Net, on your tee vee and so on. For pet lovers, it was truly an bonanza.

“It was truly an bonazana,” said pet-lover (but not too much) Renee Phipps, 19, an English Education major at Saskatoon University in Canada. “I’m agreeing with what you said, so why are you looking at me all weird and stuff?” she went on.

Ms Phipps and her traveling companion, Don Reyner, 13, also from Saskatoon had sneaked across the Canadian border to buy hand guns for the coming Collapse in 2012.

“We’re not one of the sheeple,” explained Mr Reyner, clutching his concealed weapon. “I don’t want a homeless trying to eat my pet, come the first of next year,” he went on.

Still, the point of this article is about the media itself. In 2009, as we look back and ponder we can respect how cutting edge in-your-face bloggers from CNN, Yahoo and lesser-known underground sites like Hotmail showed us the way with great stories about cute pets.

“Actually, not to correct you, but it is frankly incorrect to say ‘stories’ when actually what you really mean is ‘videos’”, ejaculated Ray Goolens, whom is an Internet Technology specialist. “And the amazingly remarkable thing is how these testaments to our pets, were posted on blogs around the world, not just by rad bloggers like CNN’s Amanpour or John Roberts, but by dissidents in Iran and Canada.”

Canada?

“In Iran.”

But you said Canada, too.

“Well, that’s another country where they have computers.”

Sure.

“I like that video where the cat gets stuck in a blanket and can’t get out,” said Iranian physicist Bill Wiggins, 24. “But it was sad that it never got out,” he went on.

“For me, the cutest pet video of 2009 was the one where the cat was stuck in a blanket,” contrasted Kate Foxxe, 21, a gorgeous philosophy student I met on the street waiting for tickets to the Hollywood media salute to pets.

That’s fascinating. Please tell me more!

“I like it’s whiskers. They were sooo cute!” she went on.

Yes, pets are cute. With God’s will and so on we’re gonna get through the rest of the Final Days etc, with a little more help from great Internet news sites and the knee-slapping in-your-face rad cute pet videos (and stories?) they bless us with!

Tuesday, a local L.A. lad appeared to have discovered a bottomless tomb under Spector’s mammoth residence/studio.

“I crawled under there looking for my baseball and I think I found a tomb full of unknown session musicians,” the boy, Darryl RJ Dennison, 37, said.

Detectives were left scratching their heads at how a thing like this could possibly be true.

“We’ve heard all sorts of reports,” said Staff Sgt Gale Weale, speaking on condition she not be named in this article. “The guy from Toto is in there,” she added. “There are bunches of back up singers from Springsteen’s band. Multiple line-ups of Genesis are down there,” she confided.

Although police had yet to investigate the scene, local resident Ray Goolens, who is thinking of taking an online course in music criminology, claimed to have retrieved a crucial piece of evidence from the scene which he hopes to “sell to the highest bidder”.

Portions of audio tapes Goolens claims were made inside Phil Spector’s studio appear to show bone-chilling conflabs between such high-falutin celebs as Ramones’ bassist Dee Dee Ramone and the imprisoned music maverick.

DEE DEE RAMONE: Hey, I think…maybe this song needs a bit more bass.

SPECTOR: Oh, do you know? Spin the gun.

(The sound of a gun barrel spinning is heard along with sharp intakes of breath, presumably from the other band members of The Ramones)

DEE DEE: Oh God! Oh God! You’ve just shot Baz!

Baz Ramone was replacing downsized drummer Tommy Ramone during the session. A veteran session musician from Sweden, Baz Scheldmann III had palyed with Toto, Alanis Morrisette, and The Beatles. His friend, Tammy, 52, had starred in the musical Cats. He was last seen recording with Phil Spector and The Ramones in the summer of 1979.

Just before the tape provided to the media by Goolens runs out, a voice, presumably Spector’s, but which sounds nothing at all like him, says “They would have wanted it that way, if they’d had wills of their own.”

The same person (presumably) is then heard digging a mass grave with the help of unpaid interns in their ’20′s.

Or are they?

And now added to the list, former Jackson 5 frontman, singing sensation Michael Jackson.

Amidst vicious rumors surrounding the deceased “King of Pop”, 50, and the looming potential familial in-fighting over kids and assets, a new fear has taken center stage for Mr Jackson’s fans and others who are bored at work and reading this on their computer machines:

Rock and Roll Heaven is ‘full’.

Reports that Rock and Roll Heaven, (also known as Rock n’ Roll Heaven to eco whites) had done filled up trickled out of France in early May.

Few paid much attention.

“Rock n’ Roll Heaven is full,” fluffed Paris barista Bruce Henderson,74, using the online social networking tool Fluffer, Tuesday, in an exciting online discussion board with interesting bored people form all over the planet. “The last guy who get in to the Heaven, he have to be Axl Rose, you know – Gun and Rose,” he clarified.

But sadly Mr. Rose will nay be getting in to RRH neither.

“Rock and Roll Heaven’s last admittee was Hainer Goolens, drummer for Cheap Trick during the Bosnian tour 1992-96 while Bun E. Carlos was focusing on his acting career,” informed Janet Hamlet, 8, who lives at home since being laid off from the U.S. State Department in October.

“Before that, it was Tupac,” she went on.

Oh good.

Anyway, MJ has missed the boat/bus/nightflight to Venus, and now folks are worried.

“Oh Godddd!”, moaned my co-worker William Dip, 36, as we punched meaningless data into the Internet machine at our work stations Tuesday. “And it’s not just Michael – it’s that whole generation that’s gonna suffer,” he went on, “Phil Collins, Talk Talk and The Eurythmics…”

But can anything be done?

“The only way would be for space to be freed up and then Michael could ascend up there, ah from ah the fiery pit,” claimed Memo Gaffe, 20, who performs in Canada’s famous Le Cirque du Dust Mite.

Is that likely?

“The only way I can see it happening is if when North Korea fires their big dildo shaped missile toward Hawaii it rips the atmosphere in two, and somewhat singes Rock and Roll Heaven,” he postulated. “That way, when no one is looking, Michael could hop in, along the sidelines,” he went on.

It doesn’t seem likely.

The mythic album “Thom Steps Out,” was recorded at the height of the Heads’ radioactive career, just after the release of their semen album, “Pablo’s Honey” in 1986.

Producer Phil Spector who is now in Sing Sing Prison in Los Angeles’ Sing Sing Correctional Facility receiving guidance oversaw the missing of the album’s laff track and pointed an AK-47 at Yorke during most of the album’s fourteen month long session.

“Phil misplaced the master tapes, apparently leaving them under a box of Kleenex,” confirmed Spector’s buxom bride Rachel Spector. “I came across them one day when I was looking for something with which to blow my nose.”

At that time Ms. Spector had the flu.

Details of the triple album are sketchy but a debate is raging online on such great social networking inventions as FaceBook and Fluffer and Hotmail.

Many in Iran took a time out from revolutioning to Fluff and Face online in search of track listings or illegal download opportunities from Mr. Yorke’s recording.

“When I download an album illegally I express my freedom,” said Larry Wilson, 35, a barista at a Tehran Starbucks.

Likewise North Korea’s head honcho Kim Il Jong was absent from war strategy sessions for most of the afternoon and rumored to be online himself conducting Google searches for the Thom Yorke laugh bonanza.

“Kim Jong has the funniest sense of humor in the world,” intoned North Korea’s official news agency, Reuters. “He is much funnier than Obama, who is wooden, awkward and uptight,” it went on.

Interesting.

Although The Brutal Times has obtained a copy of  Thom Steps Out and listened to most of it while vacuuming the apartment and texting various people and totaling up the household bills, it would be improper to reveal much about it, less you refrain from its purchase and decline Mr. Yorke’s record company of its blood money.

But here’s some of what you can expect:

THOM: Hey….What do you call the uh, the…What do you call the ah grass that ah the baseball players stand on ah in the ah field there in Cuba?

AUDIENCE: (tittering, no response to query)

THOM: Ah…it’s ah…Cas-tro turf.

Pause.

AUDIENCE: Oh-ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Etc.

Solid gold.

But a nifty new diet developed by charismatic California convict Charles Manson is headed straight to your cuisine rescue, courtesy of Japanese impresario Matsumoto Boy and his casually-dressed office tower full of plebes and flunkies.

The product? Charles Manson’s cookie diet.

As you know, even in these dire economic times when the weaker ones are losing their jobs California’s liberal lawmakers are giving away millions in bonuses to cons serving time inside.

Since they can’t technically hand out bonuses to crooks in cold hard cash, they dole it out like in good old days – in the form of cookie dough.

Manson used his share of the scrumtpous light sweet dough to lovingly craft an allergy-free peanut butter cookie which everyone says is really delicious with little or no aftertaste.

“I can’t eat most cookies,” says jailer Roy S Greene, who at six foot seven makes it known with his body language he is capable of imposing lightening quick justice on any inmate who steps out of line. “But Charlie’s cookie didn’t cause me to break out in a rash and I was able to eat it just fine,” he went on.

Yes, prison is good for some people. A lot of Europe’s finest chefs spent time locked up, in straight-jackets, or worse. And the dishes they came up with dazzled the eyes and zoomed their complex aromas right up the schnozzes of the hotshot noble class.

Getting into Charlie’s cell was difficult at first because I didn’t have a key. Luckily, he usually keeps it unlocked so when he got back from the pantry I was waiting for him with my pad and pencil.

“Charlie, your cookies are causing quite a storm. How’dja hook up with bigwig Matusmoto Boy and his crowd? I hear his English ain’t so good. How’d you communicate? Boy you look creepy,” I ventured.

“The…the cookies…came from…the thing about this is you’re talking about what people feel, man,” Charlie replied.

“Oh, so it’s like a 60′s thing!” I did.

Then Roy S Greene administered mucho justice to us and it took me a week to be able to even get up go out and buy my tv guide.

How could that happen? I thought prisons were supposed to be safe. But then I never expected Charlie would be baking such delicious cookies either. What if everything I knew was wrong?

Nah.

By Dr Ray Goolens (Special to The Brutal Times), LOS ANGELES – Do people feel insecure about their looks? Yes they do. A typical remedy for this in the USA may be a short trip to the plastic surgeon. My brother Cartlund has performed piles of plastic surgery fixing folks up where God fell short. Heck, in LA they say 90% of kids over 5 have had “work done”.

But what about plastic surgery on your mind?

Just like we saw with the Olympics, what we see in China is what we do. Lots of Chinese folks have had their minds- not their brains mind you – surgically transformed into highly efficient briskets.

Yes, and just as when the Chinese found some free time to host the Games and we penciled it into our busy workaday schedules accordingly, with this mind surgery thing we’re following right along too!!!

Now what’s the deal yo with the risk-benefit ratio? Whaddo I get if I plonk down my $45,000 USD for a trial session to cut away excess mindables?

“Oh it varies,” said Patty Sandie, a 28-year-old technician at Looks Like You, a popular spot for getting the job done. “Be sure to tell your readers lots of bloggers come here,” she went on.

In my own opinion a lot of really insecure people make up the patient pool for this gig. I pitched my ‘pinion to Patty and she shrugged and popped a bubble. She was chewing gum. Lots of plastic surgery techs in LA chew gum.

I guess everybody’s got their reasons. I guess if I like killed a guy and I was feeling guilty about that and if I got some leftover money from that robbery I could put that towards mind surgery to take a load off. I put that towards Patty.

“Yeah…I guess so,” she said. But this was totally insincere and her attitude was so off-putting I filled out one of those job performance cards they got in the can there and needless to say I gave her zero so she gets what comes around for sure.

Anyway another reason to get that surgery could be to get superpowers such as that Canadian mind control guy Kreskin. Kreskin can find stuff you lost after sucking back seven shots of tequila. After you sucked those shots back and lost your stuff that is, although Kreskin has been said to be a fine drinking buddy.

Anyways, those are the reasons I could think of. If you think of some of your own at your desk, why not drop me a line and I’ll check them before I go to bed.

I’m Ray Goolens (I can’t say “Dr” because of those fucking lawyers) but I can still think it. And so can you.

“Yeah, I’m really amped about the whole prospect,” smiled Lucas, when quizzed about his music video directorial debut. “Axl reminds me of Yoda and I’m looking forward to having, uh, I dunno, some kind of a Darth Maul kind of Yoda CG thing going on with you know, maybe one of them or both singing some of the lyrics to one of the slower numbers on the album,” he went on.

Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy, which hit Best Buy stores last week is the band’s first release since 1991. At that time the group released two separate albums, Use Your Illusion I and II. They featured 3 “really really good songs” according to loyal fans. The new album contains 3 more.

Chinese Democracy took more than a decade to record and during that time all the original band members were replaced, excepting frontman Axl Rose. Around 1996 Rose met Lucas in a White Castle restaurant by chance.

“He asked me about replacing them (the other members of Guns N’ Roses) with droids,” said Lucas. “I guess you could say we sort of bonded.”

The bond has blossomed into what Lucasfilm says will be “the first of seven or seventeen or perhaps seventy videos” filmed for GNR by the flamboyant filmmaker.

Mr Rose has claimed Lucas’ Star Wars Episode One was an inspiration for Chinese Democracy. “I didn’t really like the original Star Wars movies,” admitted Rose on his website axlrosesofevil.com last week. “But those prequels- they shook me.”

Or did they?