Arcade Fire.

Twitter.

Your iPhone.

FaceBooger.

Social networking.

Williamsburg.

Tokyo.

China.

Egypt.

Hillary “Hot” Rodham Clinton.

Billiam Clinton.

Eminem.

Rihanna.

Green Day.

Sum 41.

April the Wine.

Toronto.

Cock Blocker.

Naoto Kan.

Right wing Japanese sound trucks.

Movies.

The University of Tokyo.

The University of Toronto.

Film school.

Snoop Doggie.

Dr. Dre.

Madonna.

Michael Moore.

Oliver Stone.

Atom Egoyan.

Bars.

The Simpsons.

Vice Magazine.

Mohammed El Baradei.

Cocaine.

Ban Ki Moon.

The Onion.

U2.

Stingk.

REM.

The Pixies.

Hole.

The Foo Fighters.

Ben Folds.

H&M.

England.

Afghanistan.

Iran.

James Cameron.

Tony Blair.

The British royal family.

The Japanese royal family.

Hip hop (rap).

John McCain.

Wilco minus Jay.

Radiohead.

Any current Japanese celebrity on television.

Kid Rock.

Beer.

In previous years – 2008, 2007 and so on, cute pet stories tended to be eclipsed by political coverage, current events, business news and so on.

But God said from now on, “Let it be otherwise”.

The result? I said already above – 2009 was the cutest year yet for pets, online on the ‘Net, on your tee vee and so on. For pet lovers, it was truly an bonanza.

“It was truly an bonazana,” said pet-lover (but not too much) Renee Phipps, 19, an English Education major at Saskatoon University in Canada. “I’m agreeing with what you said, so why are you looking at me all weird and stuff?” she went on.

Ms Phipps and her traveling companion, Don Reyner, 13, also from Saskatoon had sneaked across the Canadian border to buy hand guns for the coming Collapse in 2012.

“We’re not one of the sheeple,” explained Mr Reyner, clutching his concealed weapon. “I don’t want a homeless trying to eat my pet, come the first of next year,” he went on.

Still, the point of this article is about the media itself. In 2009, as we look back and ponder we can respect how cutting edge in-your-face bloggers from CNN, Yahoo and lesser-known underground sites like Hotmail showed us the way with great stories about cute pets.

“Actually, not to correct you, but it is frankly incorrect to say ‘stories’ when actually what you really mean is ‘videos’”, ejaculated Ray Goolens, whom is an Internet Technology specialist. “And the amazingly remarkable thing is how these testaments to our pets, were posted on blogs around the world, not just by rad bloggers like CNN’s Amanpour or John Roberts, but by dissidents in Iran and Canada.”

Canada?

“In Iran.”

But you said Canada, too.

“Well, that’s another country where they have computers.”

Sure.

“I like that video where the cat gets stuck in a blanket and can’t get out,” said Iranian physicist Bill Wiggins, 24. “But it was sad that it never got out,” he went on.

“For me, the cutest pet video of 2009 was the one where the cat was stuck in a blanket,” contrasted Kate Foxxe, 21, a gorgeous philosophy student I met on the street waiting for tickets to the Hollywood media salute to pets.

That’s fascinating. Please tell me more!

“I like it’s whiskers. They were sooo cute!” she went on.

Yes, pets are cute. With God’s will and so on we’re gonna get through the rest of the Final Days etc, with a little more help from great Internet news sites and the knee-slapping in-your-face rad cute pet videos (and stories?) they bless us with!

With IKEA’s 17th annual Basta design awards lurking ahead next Sunday morning at dawn, a disgruntled unpaid intern has leaked news of this year’s winner for Best Nuclear Warhead Design, 2009.

Iran.

News of the surprise win should make daytime soap opera stars of its two twin brother designers, Simon Cadomum and Jeans Cadomum, both 26. The Cadomums had never designed a nuclear warhead until last spring when Iranian president Saddam Hussein overheard them taking about “pastels and the theory of the unbaked bean” in a Taco Bell inside Iran’s Green Zone and asked them if they’d rather be shot on the spot or design him a nuke.

“I didn’t want to do it (design the nuke warhead) at first,” claimed Jeans Cadomum in a brief text message littered with annoying smiley faces and garishly-clashing avatars over the fantastic social networking tool Fluffer. “But both Simon and I have always been drawn towards working with extreme personalities, and Saddam is definitely one of the more extreme we’ve come across,” he went on.

The warhead designed by the Tehran-based duo follows traditional missile design in that it looks like a giant wiener.

“What, what the Cadomums have done is…to turn the traditional wiener design…flip it on its head so to speak so that the ball sac is actually at the tip so that when it lands on impact the victims have the impression of being heavily teabagged before it blows up,” explained Rambo, who is a character in a film by moviemaker Sylvester Stallone.

Sharon Stallone (no relation to Sly), a female judge from IKEA who voted in favor of the twin brothers’ maverick weapon said she was pleased to see twins win the award this year, “when so many twins have been denied so much in the past.”

Asked to clarify her remark, she refused.

Or did she?

The mythic album “Thom Steps Out,” was recorded at the height of the Heads’ radioactive career, just after the release of their semen album, “Pablo’s Honey” in 1986.

Producer Phil Spector who is now in Sing Sing Prison in Los Angeles’ Sing Sing Correctional Facility receiving guidance oversaw the missing of the album’s laff track and pointed an AK-47 at Yorke during most of the album’s fourteen month long session.

“Phil misplaced the master tapes, apparently leaving them under a box of Kleenex,” confirmed Spector’s buxom bride Rachel Spector. “I came across them one day when I was looking for something with which to blow my nose.”

At that time Ms. Spector had the flu.

Details of the triple album are sketchy but a debate is raging online on such great social networking inventions as FaceBook and Fluffer and Hotmail.

Many in Iran took a time out from revolutioning to Fluff and Face online in search of track listings or illegal download opportunities from Mr. Yorke’s recording.

“When I download an album illegally I express my freedom,” said Larry Wilson, 35, a barista at a Tehran Starbucks.

Likewise North Korea’s head honcho Kim Il Jong was absent from war strategy sessions for most of the afternoon and rumored to be online himself conducting Google searches for the Thom Yorke laugh bonanza.

“Kim Jong has the funniest sense of humor in the world,” intoned North Korea’s official news agency, Reuters. “He is much funnier than Obama, who is wooden, awkward and uptight,” it went on.

Interesting.

Although The Brutal Times has obtained a copy of  Thom Steps Out and listened to most of it while vacuuming the apartment and texting various people and totaling up the household bills, it would be improper to reveal much about it, less you refrain from its purchase and decline Mr. Yorke’s record company of its blood money.

But here’s some of what you can expect:

THOM: Hey….What do you call the uh, the…What do you call the ah grass that ah the baseball players stand on ah in the ah field there in Cuba?

AUDIENCE: (tittering, no response to query)

THOM: Ah…it’s ah…Cas-tro turf.

Pause.

AUDIENCE: Oh-ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Etc.

Solid gold.

Accidental Airlines, one of America’s premier low budget fliers says millions, maybe zillions of miles may not be honored or waved entirely due to the crisis.

“Until the political situation in Iran is resolved Accidental, or any of their Star Alliance partners will be unable to facilitate air travel to or fro Iran via le air miles,” Carton Max, spokeshuman for Accidental said through a wad of crumpled up kleenex.

Millions of stereomoms and dads wishing to kick back in Iran this week using squirreled away air miles are screwed.

“We’re…just irate, with hate,” said Laura Hunt, 26, a hedge fund manager from Chicago. “These air miles were guaranteed by Accidental, and they deserve instant death,” she went on.

Other folks who didn’t even know what an air mile was screamed bloody murder when told of the crisis in the skies by The Brutal Times.

“Bloooooooody muuuurder!!!” screamed Jason Goff, 14, a hedge fund manager in Baltimore.

Iran, for its own part has stayed mum on the subject, choosing instead to sort out its election thingy first.

President Saddam Hussein is expected to win by a wide margin, but some folks are tiring of his regime, brutality and so on.

“We’re looking for someone younger,” says John Robinson, a tailor and taxi driver in Tehran. “That would blow everybody’s jets.”

“Japan, one of our most ah steadfast uh allies – in the fight to ah, to really get things turned around over there ah in Iran, has ah to the best of our knowledge, ah promised to deliver those volcanoes before breakfast to ah Mr Hussein,” Mr Obama commented via his Blackberry text machine.

Volcanoes are a symbol of Japan’s sexual power and symbolize a man’s love juice shooting out.

They can also be used as a nifty substitute for nuclear power, yes yes yes – like the nuclear power Iran is just creaming it’s Sergio Valente jeans for all these months.

So – Japan is acting like an international bridge between America’s first black president Mr Obama, and Iran’s madman president, Mr Kooky Pants.

“It is fascinating to see how every time there is a problem – and I mean every time, some Japanese person will solve it before an American can,” says Ray Goolens, who studies Japanese in Starbucks coffee restaurants in Tokyo.

“I say ‘God bless Japan’, and ‘God that girl ordering the frappacino over there in the tight pants looks hot’,” Mr Goolens added softly.

Japan has ten volcanoes which it built mostly in the 1970′s when the volcano craze was sweeping the area. Once popular, as time wore on people began to bitch about them. Some guys even threw rocks at them.

“Iran is a poor third world country such as Canada, Australia and so on,” said  Takahashi Ryo, 24, who lauded the Japanese government’s decision to lop the ‘canoes off and float them downstream towards Iran.

“Old people over 3o loves volcanoes, because they believe that such things are important for their work life, family, and so on,” Takahashi went on. “But we younger generation doesn’t care about it so much.”

Ok.

The surprising news could prove a boon for Bush, who has been prodding U.S. and other world leaders to take a stronger line on Iran and its pursuit of nuclear power. The U.S. administration believes Iran is racing to develop nuclear energy partially with the aim of producing nuclear weapons through the use of noxious slime which arises as a bi-product of the enrichment of uranium.

As Bush’s term winds down, world interest in confronting Iran has dwindled in recent months. News of Binks’ presence in the country, however, may change that, say analysts. Polls show that although 63% of Americans approve of carrying out covert operations in order to capture or kill Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden, a whopping 110% consent to doing “absolutely anything, anything at all” to get Binks.

“I hate Osama bin Laden,” said Richard Ale, 43, “but I really, really hate Jar Jar Binks.”

Ale, a computer software salesman, is not alone. He and a legion of fans of the original Star Wars movie trilogy, produced in the late Seventies and early Eighties, still hold a grudge against Binks, whom they blame for “destroying” the latter 1999 follow-up film Episode One, issued by the series’ enigmatic creator George Lucas.

“If he (Binks) is in Iran, I say we let them have it,” said Nathan Kuppel, who admits, like Ale, that his motives are more personal than political. “But that’s not the point,” he insisted. “The government is elected to be responsive to the people, and if we say ‘kill Binks’ then it’s their job to do it.”

The anonymous official, Jeremy Glassback, who is married to stain glass artist Sarah Weil and lives at 177 Dusty Meadow Road in Washington state, claims that Binks was seen in Tehran as recently as last month, and has been “making the rounds” at the local film studios there, “possibly looking for work on a soap”.

Binks, 47, is not known to have made a film since Star Wars III: Revenge of the Nerds. Nerds, which grossed 111 billion trillion US dollars ($2,867 Canadian) solidified Binks as of Hollywood’s most-hated actors. His follow-up projects, including an album with Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav have not done well.

“If, as some are saying, Mr Binks is indeed in Iran or the vicinity, we will of course be looking at that very carefully,” said White House Spokesperson Elaine Bram. “This is something that many people care about deeply – that he is brought to justice – and we are doing everything we can right now to look into that.”