They’re gonna have to wait.

News erupted via town crier that the number of female death metal fans worldwide has dropped.

For a country (Baffin Island, mentioned at least once previously) that depends heavily on death metal as its lifeblood, the blow may be the final deathblow to an economy already reeling from the the impact of the global financial crisis (or GECK, as it is known by fans).

“Death metal, and its subsidiaries – black metal, hair metal, cooking oil metal, dance metal, old folks’ metal and multi-cultural metal, are all in a tailspin,” said Fisher Gale, 15, who operates one of Baffin Island’s premier death metal fitness clubs, Eyes of Magog.

And girls are the problem?

“Well, yeah. Last season Wikipedia showed 15 girls – women, who liked death metal; 13 in Baffin island, one in Jamaica, and the other, ah, in…sorry – 12 girls,” explained Mr Gale, crouching in front of me.

And?

“Well, now there’s like one fan, and she…”

Yes?

“Well, there are some in the diaspora- of death metal – who think she might be “being ironic” with the whole thing, and not even really like, like it.”

Jesus.

Death metal, ironically, began as a joke in/on Baffin Island in 1865, when Oar Bit, 7, a longshoreman, came home from high school band practice where he had been playing the tuba.

“Fuck this,” he said, “from now on I’m playing the electric guitar, and I’m gonna play…death metal.”

Seeing as Baffin Island had no other export potential, Professor Helene duBois III, mandated that all death metal goods produced be shipped to Canada, “and from thence, to the world,” in her 1982 best-selling pop-up book, “Baffin Island Pop-up Book” (1982 Brutal Times Press).

So why don’t the honeys dig the hot tunes?

“Historically women are taught by the tv to check out more top 40 fare, and this has kept them off the streets, thankfully,” asserts Un Faber, 1, a hedge fund manger who has collected death metal manuals since 3 months of age.

Any other reasons?

“Women are liking death metal more and more and so the numbers themselves tell a different story,” says Un Faber, 1.

Wait- but you just said…

“While it is true, in some sense, that record companies, fitness clubs and so on may wish to see a raise in the figures of females who “like death metal” the numbers themselves don’t actually point to either a raise, or a decline,” he went on.

But what the hell does that mean? I mean a second ago you were saying something, like totally opposite. Plus, like, you’re 1. How come you talk like that?!?

“Admittedly the numbers on the surface at least display a so-called “drop” but the numbers- the numbers don’t actually drop; rather they remain unchanged, which is why we worship them,” he insisted.

Or did he?

The news has been full of how said global economic crisis (or GECK) has been ruffling the feathers of regular folks for like months.

Want more?

A man, Devrit Ewing, 27, told The Brutal Times, Wednesday, that he ‘looks forward’ to pay day.

“I looks forward to pay day,” he said.

After payment had been secured and both BT and DE (Mr Devrit Ewing, duh!) had settled into their comfort zones (having gone to toilet, nestled into armchairs and so on) DE (see previous explanation) explained himself.

Business Jesus, for BT: So, just exactly..?

Devrit Ewing: Why do I ‘looks forward’ to it?

BJ: Precisely.

DE: Gonna get high. Gonna get wasted!

BJ: But, but isn’t that a bit..?

DE: I deserve it. To unwind, y’know. Kick back – let loose!

BJ: Sure. Well..?

DE: Then I’m gonna get me a woman.

BJ: Oh, come on now.

DE: I mean I’m gonna get me a mighty fine woman.

BJ: With…big old titties?

DE:Whoo! With biiig old titties!

BJ: Have you..?

DE: Well, I’ll probly take her out to a bar, unless I meet her at the bar – in which case she’s already there!

BJ: Uh huh, but -

DE: I wrote me a little song, about pay day.

BJ: You’re shitting me.

DE: Dja like to hear it?

BJ: …

DE: It’s called – ‘Pay Day’

BJ: You ought to have gone into marketing instead of teaching English in Japan.

DE: (sings) Pay Day!

That’s my hip hip hooray day!

BJ: Thank you – a fucking tour de force.

DE: Actually I’m not really so concerned with money.

BJ: I’m sorry but we don’t have time for you to contradict yourself.

DE:It shows I have have depth.

BJ: It shows you’re annoying.

DE: I don’t care for money. People should stay home, not work, raise children.

BJ: Dude.

DE: I can’t wait for pay day.

BJ: Dude.

DE: I don’t care for money – money can’t buy me blood.

BJ: Pay day is the 10th. What are you gonna do ’til then?

DE: Touch me – all over my body.

BJ: Jesus.

From my lofty barstool here at my favorite Bay Street watering hole, the Duck n’ Asthma, I can clearly see a group of energetic young punters surrounding the six foot screen in preparation for another hockey match. But the stakes for Canada this season are incredibly high. These days find Canada open for anarchy what with Canadian captain Cock Blocker dissolving the House of Commons before a potentially John McCain-like thrashing by the sticks of  Canada’s Liberals led at the time by milquetoast left winger Stefan Dion (“Celine” to back-room wags).

The spirit among the faithful is apprehensive as I wade among these power brokers of the future to get their perspective on the whole messy mess, and the air is filled with the soggy aroma of poopenshantz and soggy jock straps.

(*poopenshantz is a German word meaning ‘soggy jock strap’).

“Blocker?! Guy’s got no wrist-shot eh?” offers Larry Grabowski, 38, of Toronto, who says he has voted Liberal mostly in the past but elected to elect the Conservative Blocker because he says “at the time I kinda got sucked in by his name I guess – it just…conjured up defense I guess.”

Other patrons agreed, echoing elements of Larry’s sucked-in story.

“He’s supposed to block,” whinged Carla Kitz, 41, a manager at Grand & Toy. “Y’know, block Canadians from the US and their free trade and all that,” she went on. “But he’s leaving us wide open,” she went on.

Some laid it on the line for the helmeted prime minister, who about a month ago shut down Canada’s government to allow himself time to formulate a winning game plan to confront the global economic crisis – or GECK, as it is affectionately known by fans.

“He’s got to get good or get lost, plain and clear, I think,” sayethed  Dick Clausi,25, a retiree of Crutton Ontario. “I mean, these guys get pretty high salaries, right? So they oughtta be, like, good at least. Am I right?”

So true!

“I’ll tell ya what the f—in’ problem is,” overtures Jeff Dunning, 54 of Don Mills,  who stains decks for a living, “they gotta put a leash on their enforcers, man! It’s always the same sh-t! Tucker* and f—in’ Domi* gettin’ penalty minutes late in the third and they get scored on. Every f—in’ year, man. It’s hard to stay a fan sometimes. No wonder Sundin* went over to the NDP.”

(* Canadian members of parliament for the ridings of Rickeyboat, British Columbia, Bustle, Saskatchewan, and Larage, Quebec. NDP refers to another political party in Canada. It stands for “Non-productive Disco Peanuts”).

And what of the new US president? Obama is known to have dug anarchy in his younger days and still listens to shock rockers Avril Lavigne and  Sum 41 on his iPod touch. How might he feel about Canada’s current lack of direction? Its staggering slide toward anarchy and looting?

I asked a black man.

I forget his name because honestly I felt a little nervous talking with him and I just forget to ask. But here are his exact words:
“ Obama? Well, that’s a different league but f— yeah the Raptors* could use him, eh?” (* a Toronto-based bocce ball squad six thousand strong).

With opinions flying hither and yeller I retreated back to my post at the bar to find my pint being finished by a scruffy motorcycle enthusiast.
>Nonchalantly walking past him to the door I was called to reflect upon the Canadian objective self awareness and how it will guide us, like it always has, through this brief period of confusion and late penalty minutes.

Duh.

So it may come as no surprise that even sexy super-asshole & terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden is pulling up his tube socks and micromanaging the day to day affairs of his shadowy global terrorist organization.

“The cuts are coming, and they are going to be painful,” says long-time Bin-Laden associate Troy Barnes, 36. “Al Qaeda is going to have to close a number of its schools – Yemen, Sudan, – these are all going to go,” he said, speaking under condition of anonymity.

Schools in oil-rich Saudi Arabia may also be affected. Cash raised from oil revenues is falling short for photocopying hate literature pamphlets and other teaching materials as more and more folks skip a night or two out in the family auto and watch YouTube at home together instead.

“Usually we have the funds available so we can print full-color racial and religious stereotypes in the materials to give the children a clear picture of the target,” lamented Melanie Vistek, 30, a part-time teacher in Riyadh. “But this year I’ll have to draw them all myself by hand,” she went on.

“Actually these teachers who are part-time my also be reducted,” confided Bin Laden associate Barnes. “Even members who have been with the organization for years are going to see changes in their pension schemes,” he added.

Out of the 2,671 registered members of Al Qaeda, over half are part-time and have other jobs which they rely on to support their interest in killing innocent people. Of these many hope some day to become full-time members, but although the promotion comes with a higher salary and dental it also features a downside as most full-time staff are required to work as suicide bombers.

“I know the stereotype out there is that like everybody in Al Queda is stupid or something,” said Al Qaeda member Heather Mitchum, 29. “But we did see where it was going – with all the part-time people having to blow themselves up just after they got promoted, and we addressed that,” she added.

Members in at least four nations started a union to protect those coming up for promotion.

“Things were held back by union demands – not just about not wanting to blow themselves up but – oh, you wouldn’t believe some of the things these people wanted,” complained Al Qaeda lieutenant Jar Jar Binks when he was asked about the issue by CNN’s Anderson Cooper last May.

“They wanted to de-stress mostly,” says Barry Hussein, who is Chief Political Affairs Columnist at The Brutal Times and an expert on chief political affairs. “And this lead to demands from members in connection with this purpose.”

Things began to go awry in the labor department apparently when Al Qaeda unionized members stumbled upon an improperly-edited videotape.

“It began actually in 2002 when at the end of one of Bin Laden’s videotapes – I think it’s the one where he’s talking about jihad against Baffin Island – he made the mistake of leaving in some film of him working out,” Hussein explains. “Followers saw the expensive Whirlahoop 3000 he was using and they all instantly demanded the union give them one.”

The Whirlahoop 3000, produced exclusively for fugitive charismatic wackos by Japan’s BB FunCorp costs over $67,000 US dollars to produce, not including shipping.

Some people think it’s pricey.

Bin Laden was incensed by the demands, and angry as well. But he relented and due to the time to place and fill orders of the 30 ton exercise units he scaled back his terror plans and was mostly occupied with studying Japanese English in order to translate the manuals of the Whirlahoops.

“But those Whirlahoops are going up for sale eventually – you can bet,” says Qaeda member Melanie Vistek. “But before that it’s our jobs and schools that are going to feel the pinch first,” she predicted.

By Styles Cradgerock, WASHINGTON – Despite his good looks and boyish smile, despite his taste in music (Springsteen) and way with words (“Yes we can”) it appears that fewer and fewer Americans want to touch his bulging stimulus package.

Plans to reveal the package were met with shrieks and flush red faces in the House of Representatives, the ruling body of the good old USA. This turnabout in attitudes towards Mr Obama’s efforts to stimulate the economy may be due to a change in strategy says Dr Ray Goolens, a political scientist at York University in Toronto.

“I think that it’s fair to say that when Obama was talking about stimulating the economy – in other words limiting himself to orally stimulating the economy, most people besides religious wackos were ojay with that. But when he jumped trains and started moving towards actual penetration of the root causes people felt he was stuffing it down their throats.”

Could be.

Still, some like JJ Montgomery, 23, (who has aspirations of becoming Obama’s speech writer one day), say they have booked hotel rooms, made ham sandwiches and plan to travel to Washington for Mr Obama’s January 20th inauguration in hopes of catching a glimpse of his package.

“Obama’s six foot, right, like me and my stepdad. Therefore his package is going to be commiserate with that and may even cause him minor discomfort – I myself have to deal with that,” said Mr Montgomery so softly I had to strain myself to hear it.

“If I could just add something else,” said Dr Ray Goolens. “It’s extraordinarily important to remember that people are going to have mixed feelings about this – it’s natural. They’re going to be on one hand attracted to Mr Obama’s package, while on the other hand they’re going to find themselves repulsed by it; so there’s going to be a lot of self-loathing in the mix as well.”

Despite the despiters some say the soaring deficit makes pushing Obama’s stimulus package all the more urgent.

“I say we should push it and see if it stands up to the test. If it does I’m the last person to say we should go and slap controls on it; I’d be the first one to suggest we all stand up and salute it,” chimed in one Congresswoman, who asked not to be identified because she was not officially approved to comment on the story.

Typically though it looks like maverick senator John McCain is left to save the day by proposing a bipartisan comprise that has been attracting attention on both sides of the aisle in the House of Representatives.

“Look, I’m not going to sit here and stand in the way of the new president’s plan to, to unveil his stimulus package. That’s his right to do that. I, heh-heh-heh, if I had won the last election the American people would be looking at my stimulus package right now and given the choice I’m not going to lie here and tell you I’d prefer to look at a 71-year-old’s package rather than say a 47 year-old’s package.”

The bipartisan generosity of McCain’s rhetoric was tempered however by his actual suggestion made toward uniting house members behind Obama.

“My proposal my friends, is that before we see whatever it is heh-heh that Mr Obama intends to stimulate the economy with, that we get drunk, I mean not totally totally drunk, but just a little, maybe one or two beers – just enough to create a kind of halo around it or a, a Japanese mosaic, I think that’s what they use in ah Japan to cover up or a soften something and make it a little easier to go down,” McCain went on.

Or did he?

By Styles Cradgerock, DETROIT – Just in time for Christmas, GM has unveiled its most fabulous machine yet – the sex-drive car! The sleek family auto known as the GM Phero, is 100% powered on the pheronome, which in case you don’t know is a musky smelling invisible gas that when sniffed by people drives them wild with desire, often leading to humping.

GM lineworker Glen Habbot says the Phero is already turning heads within its Detroit assembly plant, even before it heads out onto the silky white snow-covered streets tomorrow for its official Christmas Day debut.

“Yeah, I said what you said I said,” said Habbot.

Also, the Phero can be hosed down after a rough ride inside without cause for worry about completely destroying the thing like other cars.

“You can get it on – all day n’ night long in the GM Phero,” reads GM’s official tag line for the hot rod roadster. But GM spokesperson Camille Galot insisted entire families could still ride together without risk of incest or touchy-feely stuff going on.

“We have a gel-like barrier option which shoots out of the steering wheel just in time to prevent that type of undesired horseplay,” she offered.

Because everybody’s gonna lose their jobbie, so many people are relieved GM came up with the Phero just in time and maybe could save the company and the world like rock stars just in time for Christmas etc just like in a movie.

No one I interviewed said this, but it is possible they could have thought it. Facts prove that the majority of people are generally alike. And since I’m one of the majority I take it upon myself as a right to speak for those who can’t.

The GM Phero bursts onto the scene Christmas Day.