“Well, the reason for that is quite obvious to me at least,” quipped Republican U.S. presidential candidate Ron Paul,76.

Oh, and why is that?

“That’s because he is Steve Martin.”

Surprisingly, Paul is not alone.

A MyGoodies/InfoSandwich poll carried out in elevators and Mr. Donuts coffee restaurants found that 99.9% of classic rock fans and their spouses support the conspiracy theory that Roth could have been replaced by Martin, in what has to be the most embarrassing attempt at a classic rock comeback since Guns N’ Roses’ 2008 crap attack, Chinese Democracy.

The supporting evidence is provocative, to say the least.

“I mean, first, you’ve got his face – that’s Steve Martin’s face he (Roth) has on right there (in the Tattoo video), ejaculated Professor Rant Foaming, 58. “And then, in the video – all that mugging for the camera – all that goofy dancing – tell me that isn’t Steve Martin,” he went on.

No one under forty knows who Steve Martin is.

No one under fifty knows who David Lee Roth is.

Few people ever really get to know themselves.

Most of you saw that coming.

Hello?

Is Van Halen any good with Steve Martin singing?

“Uh, no, they are not any good with Steve Martin singing,” chimed Jazz Man, 60. “Well, I mean, for you they might be good – you who have lowered your expectations so much that you believe in nothing.”

Woah, woah, woah. Hold on a second, honey.

“Tell me you’re prepared to give Van Halen with Steve Martin a fair chance.”

I’m not even convinced it’s Steve Martin.

“You’re- oh, I should have seen this coming. You don’t even believe the conspiracy, because you think it’s too simple. You’d rather believe in a conspiracy of a conspiracy”

I just remember Steve Martin being funnier than that.

“Didn’t you hear the jokes Roth – Martin – was telling at the show they did in New York?”

Yeah, I don’t think Steve Martin would’ve touched that with a – I don’t think he would have touched that kind of material.

“You think that was more…more like a Kramer kind of – more like some stand up Kramer would have done.”

Thankfully, no. But, come to think of it, did you ever notice Kramer looks a lot like Sammy Hagar?

Am I right?

For lefties, the right hand is “the Stranger”.

Yes, for years folks over forty thought Billy Joel was “The Stranger.”

And maybe he was, in a way, in whatever way that might mean.

As you know, according to classic rock legend, it was Toto, who coined Joel’s nickname ‘The Stranger’ after they exchanged backstage caresses of steel one night in Bangkok.

But they were also wrong (the folks over forty).

Dead wrong.

Thus, verily, for most of this millenium of taxpayer-funded research, crammed crusty cardboard boxes were carted out of cavernous cubes of prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies-cardboard boxes crammed to the brim with shock-rocking research, proving lefties get their party started with their right hands.

Let me try that again.

“I just get tired of the left hand 99% of the time,” ejaculated Occupy Wall Street anarchist Giles Richardson, 40, a lefty. “Using ‘The Stranger’ just jazzes it up,” he went on.

Let me be clear – you’re talking about… when you think about me, you touch yourself?

“When I think about me.”

Right. Sure. But is this too much for folks to know? Will they melt down under the infoload?

Folks can never know enough, says Internet pioneer Daemon Mailer, when contacted by The Brutal Times at home in his log cabin.

Full disclosure: Daemon Mailer is an unpaid employee at The Brutal Times.

Fuller disclosure: We didn’t feel like interviewing anybody else for this interview, cos, like, it was raining outside.

Too much disclosure: it wasn’t raining outside.

“Folks – shoppers – can never know enough,” Mr Mailer quipped, drawing lazily on his pipe, while fondling his Davy Crockett hat.

Zat gonna help ‘em make more informed choices and so on?

“Er, no.”

Yeah, but shoppers still have the right to click off any time they want.

“C’mon.”

OK, but “The Stranger” is trending right now?

“It’s trending right up the proverbial trending wazoo. Justin Beiber’s using ‘The Stranger’, Hugo Chavez, The Queen Mum…”

The Queen Mum’s a lefty?

“She’s left-handed, yes. She plays a left-handed Fender, just like Kurt Cobain.”

Let me get this straight.

“By all means.”

When you say “lefties,” you mean people who-

“Yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh. That’s it exactly.”

But…Billy Joel’s not left-handed.

“He’s not?”

No.

“My bad.”

Are you left-handed?

“I’m both-handed.”

So, then-

“So, then, yes, I know, ‘Is it a little boring for me, or is it, y’know, too much mystery?, quote unquote’. I’ve heard all the jokes, thank you.”

All of them?

“All the jokes, yes.”

Then how old are you? You must have lived a long time to hear all the-

“I see where you’re going, but I’m gifted and pick up quick, y’know?”

Oh, sure. Well. Anything else to tack on?

“I dunno…you explain to readers why they call it ‘The Stranger’, n’ all?”

Uh…I’d have to scroll up and check.

“Right. And no one scrolls down this far, so if you’ve missed it, then it probably doesn’t matter at this point.”

Well…some Russian spambot might scroll down this far.

“Well, kudos to you, kid, for caring what the Russian spambot reads – go on.”

Well, I, we – DJ Salinger and I, who also contributed to this article, but really only at the start now – with that classic rock reference-”

“About the Billy Joel.”

Yes – about the Billy Joel – and the Toto – we would just say that, y’know, we’re all adults here, online, and uh, it’s when, uh, one man, uh, loves hisself very much and, uh, he goes about uh, y’know, demonstrating that love, uh, with uh, another hand…then he’s normally used to.”

“You’ve lost me.”

You got the Billy Joel part?

“Yes, I got the Billy Joel part.”

He’s ‘The Stranger’.

“He’s ‘The Stranger’.”

Yes. Always was. Always will be.

“I see. That’s highly amusing. And you think your readers-”

We cannot say what we think. This isn’t Facebook.

“And they’ll never scroll down this far.”

Never. In a million, billion million years.

Am I right?!?

Know why?

Brahms hasn’t put out an album since 1897.

Irate Brahms fan Roy Unt, who will be 205 years old on Friday, and is in potty pants, was only a toddler in potty pants when a temper tantrum prone Brahms stalked off stage at London’s prestigious 02 Arena in July 1909, swearing never to perform or record again unless he was given better sound in the monitors.

“I want…better sound in the monitors,” he said.

Unt said his hopes were raised that Brahms would release a new album  in 1997 after overhearing two drunken baristas arguing over Brahms on an all-night bus ride in Berlin.

“The one with the part in the middle mumbled Brahms was working with synthesizers and the other one, who looked smarter in his tight business attire and somewhat urban magician look, hit the dumber-looking one on the head and shouted that no, Brahms was in South Africa working with an unknown gospel group there.”

Unt has no fixed address and can’t manage to get mail sent to his car.

“No, no, no – it’s not my car – it’s my cart and buggy.”

Cart and buggy?

“That’s what we have back then.”

Have back then.

“Back when.”

In the past.

“Yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh.”

What can’t you tell us about the new Brahms album?

“It’s heavy on featured artists – Snoop, 50 Cent, and a whole slew of Eminem proteges you’d rather not know about.”

Is it summery, wintery? If my mate hears it are they gonna want to rip my pants off?

“Rip your pants off?”

To get at my goodies.

“Goodies?”

You’re the world’s best listener. Look, how Brahms gonna compete in a tap out with Lady Gaga, etc?

“Brahms would crush Lady Gaga in half under his piano lid and then hurl the whole mess of a cliff, would’n he?”

I dunno, would he?

“Quite.”

Whut kinda producers Brahms work with on this album?

“Phil Spector did a few tracks. Beethoven remixed tacks 4 and 5.”

The ones with Snoop Doggie and 50?

“You do your homework, don’t you?”

Almost done. So, how this affecting cafe society?

“Thought you’d never ask. Cafes’ve shut down, basically. The streets are deathly quiet and the Ripper is out again.”

The ‘Ripper’?

“Prince Harry.”

Oh. Is Starbucks open?

“Yes, but all their coffee tastes the same.”

Am I right?!?

“The concert was about as exciting as waiting for a bus,” ejaculated deflated Pumpkins fan Kimberley Nimpe, 50, a mixed martial arts Torontonian. “I mean the Lawrence East 54 bus, specifically, which always arrives aboot two and an half hours later, to be exact,” she went on.

Corgan, 60, then quit the Pumpkins, leaping off stage as Nimpe’s off-key comments were beamed directly into his earbud headset via the magic bullet of social networking and Twitter.

Corgan’s quit fit has since sent ripples through the netherworld of Frankenbands – bands whose original members add up to less than a baker’s dozen, minus the remaining five, equaling one.

Let me try that again – as news of Corgan’s quit fit went viral, other bands you wish would just go away, with just one original member, have been shock-rocked, triggering an Internet tsunami of quit fits in bands with such exotic names as Pearl Jam, Hole, and Guns N’ Roses.

“The outpouring for me to quit Guns has been huge,” said former GN’R singer Axl Rose, reading from a prepared statement at Denny’s. “So, I quit,” he went on.

It is uncertain whether the band, which changed its name to N’ a few years ago, will continue without Rose, but fans can continue to hope.

Likewise, Wilco lead singer Jeff Tweedy tweeted that he would be leaving the band, as he now realized the real Wilco had ended with the band’s last half decent album Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, in 2001.

“Frankenbands are waking up, and, thanks to social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook, just like the Arab spring revolutions, we’re seeing a real change that we can take credit for just by saying we made it happen,” informed Greg Baz, 19, a loans officer at CitiBank Hong Kong.

Music critics around the blogosphere blame the advance of the vuvuzela for tempting the last remaining original band members towards lucrative solo careers.

“Ever since the vuvuzela debuted during the South African World Cup, its influence has reverberated around the Frankenband community,” Jazz Man, 70, insisted, warming to his theme. “It takes years to learn how to play it, even holding one can cause serious injury to the untrained, so someone like Axl or Jeff Tweedy might be 80 before they master the thing well enough to cut a few tracks with one, and by then we’ll all be dead.”

Will music be dead then, too.

“Music is dead, you idiot.”

Classical Composer spoilers.

Warhol, speaking through hot spokesperson pert Canadian model Undo, 58, sounded both groggy and happy to be communing from beyond the dead.

“Heyyyyyyy,” he said.

Warhol’s pet project, WikiLeaks, has gone viral like a flotilla from outer space this 2010, scooping all the usual news orgs by actually reporting news, giving everyone who wants one a free body blow. In addition to releasing an whole bunch of Iraq and Afghan War spoilers a few weeks back, and diplomatic cables this morning, Mr. Warhol previewed perhaps the most shock-rocking shockers of his whole Secret Santa sack with several staff writers of The Brutal Times, Dogs & Cats Magazine, and the madcap Norwegian death metal blog Eyes of Magog.

Below are some of the juiciest tidbits regarding the tawdry world of Classical music, according to Andy.

Beethoven:  Is dead. Had the clap; gave it to Ringo.

Brahms: Dead. Had the clap; got it from Ringo.

Wagner: Dead.

Chopin: Missing.

Schubert: Real name Horace Flot. Missing.

Mahler: Stained; Mostly around the edges.

Liszt: Dented, chipped.

Bach: Wore a wig.

Gluck: Made a few pornos.

Strauss: Is not really “from the streets.”

Verdi: Is related to Dick Cheney.

Schumann: Is related to Dick Cheney and Obama.

Berlioz: Taller than he looks.

Mendelssohn: Always finishes his set with Concerto in B Minor.

Dvorak: Tunes down.

Verdi: Has no further plans to tour despite what it says on his website.

Offenbach: Is not sincere when he says he wants to take more time off to spend time with his kids.

Mozart: Plays with one finger.

Tchikovsky: Does not appear on any of his albums.

Electric Light Orchestra: Has only one original member.

Good for them!

MP3s are finally getting the respect they deserve. Just try listening to a great MP3 on an expensive iPhone or iPod machine. When I heard The Beatles’ Rubber Soul on my iPhone it was almost as good as listening to it on my Radio Shack cassette recorder or on a car radio.

The MP3, just like a human Olympic beach volleyball athlete,  tries real hard to reproduce all the grit of the beach sand and dog  hair that gave my Radio Shack its unique sound. And, it sort of mimicks the third genration dub hiss that my Beatles tape had since it was a copy of a copy of a copy of my brother’s loser druggie friend, Ray Goolens.

Remember all that wasted time -dubbing and triple dubbing your favorite tunes? No? Then what are you doing staying up so late? It’s probably past your bedtime, right bro?

I guess kids these days probably don’t have a bedtime, but stay with me.

We both love MP3s.

I twaddled on The Six Pistols’ “Never Mind the Hogwash”, which I downloaded guiltily from iTunes (I know – it’s bad – the artist doesn’t get any money from iTunes), and listening to its smoothed out guitars just eased the kinks right out of my bod. With MP3, unlike plastic or CD, what you’ve in your hands is control. You’re the chief engineer and the eccentric father of five with a great set of high end speakers and you’re in charge or remastering your entire audio library.

Indeed, if anything, MP3 and its ideal mates Apple and  iTunes are like the Che Rivera and Louis Vuitton of our generation. How so? Well, in that they’ve freed us all from audioslavery.

Understand?

“The troll responsible for minding the Geddy Leesa was instead found drunk under a bridge, living the stereotype, shall we say,” ejaculated Constable Constantine Constantinople, 56, of the S1W, whom have been in charging themselves of the case since they heard about it after breakfast.

Trolls everywhere denied CCC’s remarks and claimed instead “It was them hermits that done it.”

“It was them hermits that done it,” said Trey Bandenhoevel, 30, a troll.

Done what, John? Done what?

“That done lost her, mate.”

Done lost whom, John? Done lost whom?

“The bleedin’ Geddy Leesa, that’s whom, you bloody fool. Now look what you’ve done – you’ve gone and made me spill my noodles,” he went on, warming to the subject.

Indeed the noodles were indeed spilled. Plus, the Geddy Leesa, a stunning self-portrait of the stunning Rush bassist Geddy Lee in oil, is worth over a hundred billion pounds in British money, making whomever snatched it a rich enough to run amok for years on end.

“Whomever was lucky enough to snatch the Leesa probably won’t have to work another day in he she it’s bloody life,” quipped Basil Rathbone, a longtime art-lover and visitor to the Louvre, France’s cutting edge art gallery. “Not like me, who’s got to get up every morning and drag his or her sorry arse…”

All right, all right.

But is it like even known that the Leesa was stolen? What was all this then about it being “lost, missing or stolen”?

“Lost” is British English for “missing”, which is Canadian English for “la maison blanche”, which is a euphemism for the man’s pee pee,” ejaculted Patrice Hey, 24, an hedge fund manger at Billy’s Bank.

So…why are the fuzz focusing on “stolen”?

“It’s less problematic and they like that about it. I think, also, that we as a people instinctively gravitate to the worst case available in any choice string made available to us.”

As a people?

“As hipsters.”

Oh I get it.

So what should people do if they see the Geddy Leesa?

“Well, firstly, don’t look in it’s eyes. The Leesa has an long infamous history of driving its viewers round the bend.”

Really.

“No, that’s a joke!”

Good one.

Most of our readers are going to want to know if they find the Geddy Lisa if they get to keep it or not.

“According to French law, only someone from the ruling class or the nobility may keep a lost missing or stolen progressive rock artwork.”

Whatever happened to the troll whom lost, missed or stole the Leesa?

“He lived happily ever after.”

Really. And the hermit?

“I dunno ’bout him. Haven’t seen him ’round recently.”

Or has he?!?

“Every time I’d ask Robert to give it another go as Led Zeppelin and hit the road for a grueling world tour he’d say no, and beg off, citing the fact that he’s 80 now and can barely move, let alone sing or lie awake for nights on end in the back of a van for months on end,” quipped Zeppelin bassist Jones, who at 76, is the baby of the band. “But then one night Jimmy said he’d seen a bunch of geezers down at the pub covering Zeppelin songs and I thought, that’s it – what if we just ask him to do a cover band of the songs?

The nutty idea seems to have worked as “Led Zepplin” have started playing shows after they get off work from their day jobs as security guards, baristas and so on. Page says if they can get a following they may tour the tiniest most crap parts of England in a small van and constantly fight over the proceeds of each show.

“It’s just really great to be playing the songs again,” said Page, 28.

Asked if Zepplin might whip out any other covers by different bands, Page said he and Jones had been ”thinking about maybe doing some early Rush” but that Plant had, perhaps predictably, vetoed it.

Or had he?!?

“It’s irrefutable,” ejaculated Kenny Habh, 9, who has studied Madonna since he was 5. “Her face looks like takoyaki.” (‘Takoyaki’ is Japanese for ‘octopus pancake’.)

Before, Madonna was young and she dated Sean Penn.

Also, she made hit record albums. Sorta like Lady GaGa, Britney Spears, and so on.

That was then, or before. These days, Madonna (old) persists in bugging us with her CDs and so on. When’s it gonna stop?

“Not soon,” says Gladys Bage, 20, a stay-at-home stereomom. “I joined an online discussion group right in my own kitchen, and according to whut cutting edge bloggers on CNN and so on are texting, Madonna could be like preserved and continiue endlessly.”

Doubtful.

“No, really, if you ever get the chance to step out of your lowly social class you’ll see there’s this whole other  rung, or world or whuthaveyou, where head honchoes (such as Madonna) get to do anything,” she went on.

But, do I have to be a prick to join?

“That’s a raging debate about that online right now.”

Man, I’m still tryin’ to get over my boob tube addiction. Is the whole Internet thingy even worth the bother?

“Wait- my friend Tracie’s texting me right now.”

Scientists say oldness can’t be stopped. Whut kinda developments gonna develop?

“Well, her face is gonna, well, is melting, if you will,” whispered Gabe Nighyt, 18, who got good jobby at MIT (Meteorite Internet Time). “But, that does hold the interest of the scientific community, in and of itself,” he went on.

Is she gonna start playing like jazz, or world music?

“It’s hard to tell, but there are warning signs; has she been on any recent trips to Africa?”

I’m not sure. Let’s check the Internet.

“Mr Noel doesn’t like his brother, and wants to experience a middling solo career apart from him (the brother),” said Dan Hartwig, spokesperson for CONS. “It’s just like when Paul quit The Beatles,” he speculated wildly.

Angry fans turned over cars and houses. Looting continued worldwide. One lady, Ms Norma Hall, 42, used the ensuing chaos as an op to abandon her moral conscience. “I got drunk , put on an Halloween mask and went online,” she said, vaguely.

Turkey, Japan and Canada had reported like a while ago that Gallagher, known for his boyish resemblance to The Beatles and vegetarian diet, had jumped ship.

Canada reported Gallagher had joined 80′s singing sensation Styx, in November.

“Canadian news is lies, basically,” ejaculated Ray Goolens, refusing to give his age lest it interfere with picking up. “China is the best country, and we should all follow their shining example in everything,” he went on.

CONS employs 2 billion university educated journalists. Their unceasing pursuit of truth is inspiring and nice.

Or…is…it?!?