“We wanted to snort it so bad,” ejaculated Bismark Suffolk, 20, an immune diplomat who heard about the powder. “But they said they weren’t sure it was cocaine, so we’d better not,” he went on.

No one contacted by The Brutal Times had a clue whut the powder was or where they were.

Full disclosure: The Brutal Times only thought about contacting people.

Still, other underground bloggers at CNN and the rest lost interest soon after it became known that some cute pet stories had been leaked by WikiLeaks.

“It’s a no-brainer,” quipped Hazel Badge, 8, a stringer for InfoSandwich News Services. “Unless that powder’s going up a cute puppy’s nose, people are gonna lose interest faster than you can say “Don’t taze me, bro.”

Or are they, bro?

The soon-to-be-released 16 cute pet stories brings the total of cute pet stories released to public view by Obama to 17. On his first day as president he released “Topps: the Story of the Cutest Dog with Whiskers”. The 180 word story featured a photo of Topps, which spread over Internet chat rooms dwarfing everyone’s attention for weeks.

“I couldn’t remember who, or where I was,” Ben Haiye, 25, said, recalling how days and months after he had downloaded Topps’ creamy visage from his kompyooter machine he was unable to move his limbs or cry for help. “But that’s not to say I wouldn’t do it again,” he went on.

“Sixteen cute pet stories will be released to the unworthy public,” confirmed Fern Bo, an White House hanger-on. “And I just think it’s so great of Barack to be doing that,” she went on. She had that whole sexy waif look going on; underfed and underslept, but it kinda worked for her.

Yes, 2010 is off to a great start, yet some whiners just won’t let up.

“No, I am not happy – about Obama’s decision to release these…pet stories,” whined barista Todd Hill,21. “I voted…for Obama because I thought he was something different; it’s just more of the same pap,” he totally over-reacted.

One of the new cute pet stories is about a cat named Rags, the Brutal Times has learned.

Rags is an invisible cat whom only appears on rainy nights at 3am. Then, Rags sinks its ten inch fangs into its victims’ necks and sucks out their mucas supply. Then when the victims go to blow their noses they blows their brains out.

“I think they are going to very seriously regret having rushed these so-called “cute pet stories” out to the public, said Chip Valse, an anonymous spokesperson for potential 2012 Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “There are a lot of stories in there that are going to keep you and me and our families up all night,” he ejaculated.

Cute pet stories and their erstwhile Internet companion, cute pet videos keep a lid on things worldwide. Before their invention in the ’80′s looting was pandemic. Just looking at a cute fuzzy-wuzzy has been known to calm even the most brutal of men and womenfolk.

That last part I just cut and pasted from some random source.

Sorry.

In previous years – 2008, 2007 and so on, cute pet stories tended to be eclipsed by political coverage, current events, business news and so on.

But God said from now on, “Let it be otherwise”.

The result? I said already above – 2009 was the cutest year yet for pets, online on the ‘Net, on your tee vee and so on. For pet lovers, it was truly an bonanza.

“It was truly an bonazana,” said pet-lover (but not too much) Renee Phipps, 19, an English Education major at Saskatoon University in Canada. “I’m agreeing with what you said, so why are you looking at me all weird and stuff?” she went on.

Ms Phipps and her traveling companion, Don Reyner, 13, also from Saskatoon had sneaked across the Canadian border to buy hand guns for the coming Collapse in 2012.

“We’re not one of the sheeple,” explained Mr Reyner, clutching his concealed weapon. “I don’t want a homeless trying to eat my pet, come the first of next year,” he went on.

Still, the point of this article is about the media itself. In 2009, as we look back and ponder we can respect how cutting edge in-your-face bloggers from CNN, Yahoo and lesser-known underground sites like Hotmail showed us the way with great stories about cute pets.

“Actually, not to correct you, but it is frankly incorrect to say ‘stories’ when actually what you really mean is ‘videos’”, ejaculated Ray Goolens, whom is an Internet Technology specialist. “And the amazingly remarkable thing is how these testaments to our pets, were posted on blogs around the world, not just by rad bloggers like CNN’s Amanpour or John Roberts, but by dissidents in Iran and Canada.”

Canada?

“In Iran.”

But you said Canada, too.

“Well, that’s another country where they have computers.”

Sure.

“I like that video where the cat gets stuck in a blanket and can’t get out,” said Iranian physicist Bill Wiggins, 24. “But it was sad that it never got out,” he went on.

“For me, the cutest pet video of 2009 was the one where the cat was stuck in a blanket,” contrasted Kate Foxxe, 21, a gorgeous philosophy student I met on the street waiting for tickets to the Hollywood media salute to pets.

That’s fascinating. Please tell me more!

“I like it’s whiskers. They were sooo cute!” she went on.

Yes, pets are cute. With God’s will and so on we’re gonna get through the rest of the Final Days etc, with a little more help from great Internet news sites and the knee-slapping in-your-face rad cute pet videos (and stories?) they bless us with!