“It’s irrefutable,” ejaculated Kenny Habh, 9, who has studied Madonna since he was 5. “Her face looks like takoyaki.” (‘Takoyaki’ is Japanese for ‘octopus pancake’.)

Before, Madonna was young and she dated Sean Penn.

Also, she made hit record albums. Sorta like Lady GaGa, Britney Spears, and so on.

That was then, or before. These days, Madonna (old) persists in bugging us with her CDs and so on. When’s it gonna stop?

“Not soon,” says Gladys Bage, 20, a stay-at-home stereomom. “I joined an online discussion group right in my own kitchen, and according to whut cutting edge bloggers on CNN and so on are texting, Madonna could be like preserved and continiue endlessly.”

Doubtful.

“No, really, if you ever get the chance to step out of your lowly social class you’ll see there’s this whole other  rung, or world or whuthaveyou, where head honchoes (such as Madonna) get to do anything,” she went on.

But, do I have to be a prick to join?

“That’s a raging debate about that online right now.”

Man, I’m still tryin’ to get over my boob tube addiction. Is the whole Internet thingy even worth the bother?

“Wait- my friend Tracie’s texting me right now.”

Scientists say oldness can’t be stopped. Whut kinda developments gonna develop?

“Well, her face is gonna, well, is melting, if you will,” whispered Gabe Nighyt, 18, who got good jobby at MIT (Meteorite Internet Time). “But, that does hold the interest of the scientific community, in and of itself,” he went on.

Is she gonna start playing like jazz, or world music?

“It’s hard to tell, but there are warning signs; has she been on any recent trips to Africa?”

I’m not sure. Let’s check the Internet.

In previous years – 2008, 2007 and so on, cute pet stories tended to be eclipsed by political coverage, current events, business news and so on.

But God said from now on, “Let it be otherwise”.

The result? I said already above – 2009 was the cutest year yet for pets, online on the ‘Net, on your tee vee and so on. For pet lovers, it was truly an bonanza.

“It was truly an bonazana,” said pet-lover (but not too much) Renee Phipps, 19, an English Education major at Saskatoon University in Canada. “I’m agreeing with what you said, so why are you looking at me all weird and stuff?” she went on.

Ms Phipps and her traveling companion, Don Reyner, 13, also from Saskatoon had sneaked across the Canadian border to buy hand guns for the coming Collapse in 2012.

“We’re not one of the sheeple,” explained Mr Reyner, clutching his concealed weapon. “I don’t want a homeless trying to eat my pet, come the first of next year,” he went on.

Still, the point of this article is about the media itself. In 2009, as we look back and ponder we can respect how cutting edge in-your-face bloggers from CNN, Yahoo and lesser-known underground sites like Hotmail showed us the way with great stories about cute pets.

“Actually, not to correct you, but it is frankly incorrect to say ‘stories’ when actually what you really mean is ‘videos’”, ejaculated Ray Goolens, whom is an Internet Technology specialist. “And the amazingly remarkable thing is how these testaments to our pets, were posted on blogs around the world, not just by rad bloggers like CNN’s Amanpour or John Roberts, but by dissidents in Iran and Canada.”

Canada?

“In Iran.”

But you said Canada, too.

“Well, that’s another country where they have computers.”

Sure.

“I like that video where the cat gets stuck in a blanket and can’t get out,” said Iranian physicist Bill Wiggins, 24. “But it was sad that it never got out,” he went on.

“For me, the cutest pet video of 2009 was the one where the cat was stuck in a blanket,” contrasted Kate Foxxe, 21, a gorgeous philosophy student I met on the street waiting for tickets to the Hollywood media salute to pets.

That’s fascinating. Please tell me more!

“I like it’s whiskers. They were sooo cute!” she went on.

Yes, pets are cute. With God’s will and so on we’re gonna get through the rest of the Final Days etc, with a little more help from great Internet news sites and the knee-slapping in-your-face rad cute pet videos (and stories?) they bless us with!

China has accused the USA of violating international law for sailing sailing away why don’t you take me sailing away i don’t know where I’m goin’ to in Chinese waters.

So who’s telling the truth?

China or the dad?

“I looked at the photos of the Chinese ship on CNN,” said Mr Hawthe via his iPhone. “That ship had its bow and its prow in US waters.”

Miles Cheng, a Chinese State spokesperson disgreed with the dad.

“The US Impeccable, which is the ship which committed the crime against China, was nowhere near US waters, but in fact was in China,” asserted Mr Cheng as he gripped my bad arm tightly.

“The USA has green water at the time of day the incident occurred,” twitted Mr Hawthe so quickly we could hear the hairs growing and dying all over his huge body.

“The water in the CNN photo is blue, as is China’s,” Mr Hawthe glommed.

Still, Hawthe has never been to China and cannot speak Chinese. Neighbors say he wakes up late and his child, Tony, is actually Hawthe’s grandfather, the talented British character actor Randall Henly Peterson Petersone.

It gets confusing.

And too long for 300 words.

But the point is a US citizen who is a dad  totally disagrees with China.

Plus, they pulled their pants down – the Chinese did.

Chinese sailors and their ladyfriend guests reportedly mooned US naval crew members on the US Impeccable during the incident and this shock-rocked them so bad we’ll never hear the end of it.

“President Obama should totally nuke China,” Hawthe argues. “If he does, I will vote for him and his family for a second, bonus term in the White House, including use of the recreational facilities at Crawford (the Bush family retreat) and at the homes of agents Scully and Mulder (characters of the fictional tv series the X-files).

The world awaits the president’s twitted response.

By DJ Salinger, NEW YORK CITY – As CNN persists in its coverage of that boring Gaza invasion by Israel, center of the Earth, New York City is all hopped up and ready over what everyone here all ready knows is really 2009′s top story: the effort to draft Madonna as New York’s new senator.

Madonna, whom as you know is the hottest hottie over 50 in America next to Hillary “hot” Rodham Clinton recently dumped boring Brit boyfriend Guy Richie in order to move back to her native New York and be closer to her peeps.

Following Ms Clinton’s decision to vacate her seat as New York Senator, some losers had suggested JFK’s daughter Caroline Schlossberg Kennedy replace her. The losers, thought another girl would be good since Ms Clinton was/is a girl and people like girls more than boys.

But- Schlossberg is kinda boring and plus Clinton, despite maybe using her jobbie as senator to get in the spotlight, run for prez, and so on, actually did some stuff while she had the jobbie (according to my friend’s friend who lives there – in New York).

Soooo…the Schlossberg Hindenburg zepplin is ready and waiting to be shot down by a more exciting candidate – like Madonna!!

Plus there’s a precedent – lots of celebrities (famous people) got jobs as politicians when they ran out of other ideas of things to do. Try and think of as many as you can!

It’d be good to include right about here a quote from Madonna on the issue, but so far as far as we know there’s no comment – so mysterious!

Why are you laughing?