In an unprecedented scoop du jour, The Brutal Times has obtained a transcript of the unreleased director’s cut of the master debate, which was shot in an massage parlor on trendy Dundas Street West.

Joined in progress…

MICHEAL IGNATIEFF, leader of the Cerebrals Party of Canaduh ( former prof, too old n sleepy):

And I…I went outside of Canada.

JACK LAYTON, NDP leader (left-wing, pro-eco, no business connections):

That’s…that’s ridiculous – many of us have been outside of Canaduh.

GILLES DUCEPPE’S EYES (GD is leader of  Canaduh’s separatist party. They want the province of Quebec to become an independent country. It would be funny if he won the election, non?):

I haven’t.

STEPHEN HARPER (current Cock Blocker. Mr Harper’s stategy is to say nothing and let the others look nutty by shouting and whining.):

…

LAYTON:

I have grey hair, but it’s shinier than yours.

IGNATIEFF:

…

HARPER:

…

DUCEPPE:

…

LAYTON:

Mr. Harper…looks like a cross between a Storm Trooper and Jabba the Hut.

IGNATIEFF:

….

HARPER:

….

DUCEPPE:

What?

IGNATIEFF:

It’s a Star Wars reference.

DUCEPPE:

….

IGNATIEFF:

Canadians should get…free school.

HARPER:

…

DUCEPPE:

…

LAYTON:

We need to start thinking about the environment, and that means putting solar energy first, and putting panels on every home in Toronto at the cost of homeowners.

HARPER:

Taxes are bad. Mr Layton is bad for Canaduh. I am good. I am good for Canduh.

DUCEPPE:

…

IGNATIEFF:

…

HARPER (to himself, picked up on lapel mic):

Just stay calm, stay calm. Just another 30 minutes and it’s yours.

IGNATIEFF:

Let me finish – I’m too old for this. I look like Herman Munster.

DUCEPPE:

What?

LAYTON:

It’s an Addams Family reference.

HARPER:

The Munsters.

LAYTON:

What?

HARPER:

…

IGNATIEFF:

Canaduh’s not a real country anyway…running it should be easy…I might die in office.

LAYTON: If I may – you’ve seen all this before. The Liberal leader – excuse me – Cerebrals leader, sucks in the master debate and the NDP is given a false boost in the polls by the media as a total set up in order to make NDP voters sit back and stay home and swing voters fearing an NDP victory vote Conservative.

DUCEPPE:

What?

HARPER:

That’s how we win elections.

LAYTON:

What?

HARPER:

…

IGNATIEFF:

The only chance I’ve got is if someone leaks a scandal aboot Layton getting a massage on Dundas Street.

HARPER:

…

Understand?!?

Camera opens on empty Presidential lectern in darkened White House hallway.

President Obama appears, looking serious.

OBAMA:

My fellow Americans, good evening. Tonite, I have the pleasure of telling you Osama bin Laden is dead, killed by U.S. troops in Pakistan, at my direction. Our collective unconscious nightmare has come to an end.

I was supposed to come on CNN at 10:30 pm. First Yahoo offered a teaser, saying I would announce “something”, but offering no details. Then CNN ratched up the suspense with a black screen on the Internet, with no image or sound. Never before has someone been able to command the attention of a live TV audience and the global Internet in such a manner. It gave you the same feeling as waiting for Guns N’ Roses to come on, or, if you’re old enough, the Stones, back in the day.

At this point, you’re feeling strongly that this speech should have been historic. I understand that. Much like President Bush’s March 19, 2003 speech to the nation, in which he justified his decision to invade Iraq, this speech, by definition of its content, is historic.

But something is definitely missing.

Something is not right.

It could be that my voice, much like Bush’s back then, is stilted, and zombie-like. It could be, that like Bush’s speech in 2003, I am making this speech in an election year – Bush, you’ll recall, was also not doing so hot in the polls until he announced his decision to whack Saddam.

But most of all, it’s probably because, you expected more from me.

More from me than similarities to George W. Bush.

I understand.

I let you down.

If you supported me in 2008, you feel I sold out and became another Bill Clinton. Although I promised change, I’m either too afraid of the Republicans, despite the overwhelming support I got from the American people to wipe the floor with Bush’s policies; or I was bullshitting you all along, and I was never that much different from any other politician. Those of you who believe the last one – see me on the golf course, later.

So, I – hold on, hold on – I promise I’ll get back to Bin Laden later – I feel your pain. The thing of it is, is, we know you who supported me in 2008 aren’t gonna vote for The Donald, and there’s no younger, more vibrant, energetic, honest-looking leader in sight on the Democratic side. So, if you vote, and you’re against Donald Trump, you’re gonna vote for me. Unless…you don’t vote at all, and then The Donald…actually has a chance at winning.

But let me get back to Osama bin Laden. Before I go, I want to remind the American people that America is not, and has never been, at war with Islam. And if you believe that, I respectfully ask for your vote again next fall.

By all rights, tonite’s speech should have been a celebration. Instead, it feels like a campaign rally, and something eerily set designed to set the stage for yet another long walk down the deep, dark, unconvinced corridor of your unconscious.

Good night, America, and sweet dreams.

Coincidence? Not likely.

But these days, both of us have mellowed, with me mounting an ancient exercise bike and humming to myself, and the former U.S. President penning a white knuckle-roller coaster ride of a memoir, Decision Points, in which he claims, among other things, that the Iraq War was “an hoax.”

I wanted to talk more about parallels betwen the two of us to sort of increase my stature, but they told me I can’t, so here’s my exclusive interview with the former President, recorded on my iPad in the White House Oval Office, which President Obama was courteous enough to lend us.

President Bush, you disappeared from the public eye for a long time and now you’re back from outer space, you’ve written a book and you’ve got a smile across your face, why is that?

“Well, Styles, I spent two years writing to inform the American people better of the situation and kind of keep ‘em up to date there.”

Up to date where?

“With what I’m doing, where I’m at, where I’m headed, that sort of thing.”

Oh sure. Why not call it Situation Points?

“Heh-heh, book’s already been published, for one thing, but you might have something there.”

Mr. President, excuse me for asking this, before we get to the main meat of the interview, but, are you in fact the same person that you were a number of years ago?

“The same person? I think everybody – I think certainly everybody, and myself, I’ve gone through some changes in the last few years, and I think the book reflects that. I think that’s what it’s all about, really.”

No, I mean, are you in fact the real George W. Bush? Like the way the Beatles killed off Paul McCartney back in 1966 when he was getting a little big for his britches and replaced him with that Canadian bloke Armband Armband on Sgt. Peppers and-”

“You mean, am I..a clone…of myself?”

Sorry. But they insisted I ask that.

“Heh-heh, no, Styles, I’m not a clone, heh-heh, of myself. Now, were there any other questions that you wanted to ask me about the book?”

That’s a relief. Well, you drop a lot of bombshells in the book – among them that you approved waterboarding of suspected terrorists, drew up a plan for attacking Iran and that the Iraq War was “an hoax” as you put it.

“Yes, exactly. It’s a popular term these days, isn’t it? I mean, eveybody’s going around saying this or that huge thing that happened, that we thought we can rely on, didn’t really exist or happen, that it’s in effect an hoax or something.”

And you say that about Iraq.

“Exactly, yes. The weapons of mass destruction, all the rest – an hoax, really. I think nowadays most of the viewing public out there probably agrees with me.”

Inception.

“Exactly. You have movies like that out there kind of encapsulating things for you, really groundbreaking stuff, but whom really knows what it means at this present time?

Avatar?

“Not really my cup of tea. Not enough meat there, really, once you get past the opening Kubricky scenes, and I guess the fact of the technology itself.”

I can’t let you get away from this one without mentioning that not so long ago, during your stint as a consultant for the prestigious Los Angeles fashion plate Neck & Penis you stated that the Iraq War was “ironic“. Have you gone and changed your mind on that now?

“Yes. It was an hoax. We made stuff up and it never happened. They made me say that back then or I wouldn’t get my paycheck. I think if you’ll recall – Styles – that at that junction, I’d say it was 2007, 2008 or so, everybody was wearing thsoe big chunky black frame Ugly Betty Williamsburger hipster glasses and irony was pretty much the schtick, right?”

Yes, Mr. President, I do recall that.

“Well, I just kinda went along with that.”

So-

“So now everybody wants this honesty thing, you know, and I’m kind of going with that and see where it takes me.”

See where it takes me. That sounds like it could be a good name for a sequel to your book.

“Heh-heh, Styles, it’s been a pleasure.”

Understand?

“So, when you, say – let’s say you’re going into a – Department of Motor Vehicles, AND – you want to…renew your driver’s license…AND – you walk up to the counter and you say to the person working there, ‘Hi, I’m just wondering where I go to get my photo taken.’ Well, as of December 25th…2010…you’re not going to be able to ask that question anymore, unless you want to be arrested and… they’re not going to be able to tell you where to get that photo taken…unless they want to get arrested themselves, too,” Obama quipped in response to something somebody may have said some place.

As all staff members cease sending and responding to emails beginning at 7:00 am, December 25th, and by noon cease speaking entirely, the U.S. Government is expected to save enough money that the economy will enter recovery by October, 2011. The saved unmarked gold bullion will be stacked in underground chambers by unmarked trolls, known for their secrecy and skills in machete and bottle fights.

“Trolls, unlike hermits, have proven themselves to be reliable HR materials with which to grease the wheel that grinds,” Octore Fricke, 15, a Democratic Party Whip explained. Calls made by an unpaid Brutal Times intern to hermits requesting comment went unanswered.

But the point is that pretty soon it’s gonna be real quiet around the nation’s capitol.

“I’m looking forward to it,” ejaculated Gerhardt Creeme, 29, a lion tamer. “I’m not affected by it because I use body language to communicate with Gerhardt Creeme.”

You named your lion after yourself?

“I am so tired of this question. It’s common in Canada for tamers to name their lions after themelves; in fact it’s so common that I swore I would never do it if I graduated tamer school. But as you know, the nail that sticks up gets hammered down?”

By whom?

“What?”

By whom? Whom hammers down the nail that is sticking up?

“This is precisely why I can’t wait for people to all shut up.”

So you support the policy?

“Yes! Yes! I support it, all right? I love it to death!”

You don’t see that there are any ramifications?

“Am I…the only person you’re going to interview for this article?”

No, I’m going to go around to all the lion tamers in town and ask their opinions on it.

Or am I?!?

Town criers and barely able to function baristas peppered Mrs. Clinton, whom also goes by the nom de plume Hillary, with questions about her height, favorite foods, and iPod contents. But the pleasant atmosphere was predictably shock-rocked when Clinton received an unscreened question via the fabulous Internet social networking service Fluffer, asking yet again, if she will run for president in 2012.

“No, no, no, no, no – No I will not,” Mrs. Clinton insisted, in response to the unscripted Fluff, sent by Chinese democracy dissident Richard Penn, 51, who is serving a life sentence somewhere in the People’s Republic for once upon a time in 1997 advocating a 2 party political system.

“How about in 2016?” pressed Brutal Times intern Pfaff Onclear, 15, in between bites of a medium chicken falafel.

“Well, there – as you know, Pfaff – that looks delicious – there probably isn’t going to be a 2016, but if there is I certainly won’t be running for president at that junction, Pfaff.”

And on it went. The questions come at a potentially sensitive time for Clinton, whom like anyone anywhere has a sensitive side, and when you get right down to it, prefers routine and structure to leading an unscripted life of threesomes and prescription drugs. Plus, as with so much somewhere, some things happen, get forgotten and maybe happen again? All afternoon, and into the next day, and the wee hours of in your face, shouts were heard and meanings to them were assigned, dropped and reassigned. And then… just as everyone had given up and was ready for a bedtime snack I remembered how there was no other choice other than Sarah Palin and McCain for president, since America certainly is never gonna elect a Romulan.

“What about…2110?”

“Styles, I’ll be 162 years old then.”

“And so will I – but you haven’t answered my question, lady”

“Well, I think – with all due respect to your question, Mr. Cradgerock – and that cheese falafel looks delicious – I think it’s too early to…to start talking about 2110, and things that are…a hundred and one years down the road.”

“OK, sure. Then, how about 2112? You’d be a fresh face by then.”

“Well, I think it is something that, given the right set of circumstances, and if there was some way Barack could be totally humiliated and made to apologize in some eternal way, that I would consent to do that.”

Understand?

Anyways, what’s more is a girl’s bladder is timed to a coworker she despises.

“Everytime I have to get up and go take a whizz, she (the coworker) like follows me and stands so close to me at the nearest urinal,” Fawn Bare, 42, a data entry intern at Danny’s Bank.

Jesus.

“And then I can’t go and she starts making – whizzzzzzzzzz – the most boring nonsensical conversation you’d ever imagine in your life, bro.”

I can imagine some pretty boring, uh, conversations.

“Nuff said. But seriously, I dropped by my doc’s office the other day and guy said my kidneys is swolled up ten thousand times their size.”

What could be the cause of that?

“He said there could be a timer inside my bladder that’s timed to her bladder and that’s syncing us up to have to – y’know – at the same time.”

The coworker, whom could not be contacted for this story because that takes a lot of time, will fade into history, her story silently erased until a desperate grad student (s) find (s) it on a microfiche.

“Yeah, it’s the same the world over,” says Ray Goolens, who was monitoring this story for Google Page View, WikiLeaks and the President to help make our community safer. “People come and go – what’ s the dif, really?” he quipped, fiddling with his open lunchbox lid and taking a long leisurely pull on a four foot high tumbler of steaming prune juice.

The Brutal Times has been nominated for a Solid Gold Internet Award for this story and may get some action tonight because of it.

Or… has/will …it?!?

The news has been full of how said global economic crisis (or GECK) has been ruffling the feathers of regular folks for like months.

Want more?

A man, Devrit Ewing, 27, told The Brutal Times, Wednesday, that he ‘looks forward’ to pay day.

“I looks forward to pay day,” he said.

After payment had been secured and both BT and DE (Mr Devrit Ewing, duh!) had settled into their comfort zones (having gone to toilet, nestled into armchairs and so on) DE (see previous explanation) explained himself.

Business Jesus, for BT: So, just exactly..?

Devrit Ewing: Why do I ‘looks forward’ to it?

BJ: Precisely.

DE: Gonna get high. Gonna get wasted!

BJ: But, but isn’t that a bit..?

DE: I deserve it. To unwind, y’know. Kick back – let loose!

BJ: Sure. Well..?

DE: Then I’m gonna get me a woman.

BJ: Oh, come on now.

DE: I mean I’m gonna get me a mighty fine woman.

BJ: With…big old titties?

DE:Whoo! With biiig old titties!

BJ: Have you..?

DE: Well, I’ll probly take her out to a bar, unless I meet her at the bar – in which case she’s already there!

BJ: Uh huh, but -

DE: I wrote me a little song, about pay day.

BJ: You’re shitting me.

DE: Dja like to hear it?

BJ: …

DE: It’s called – ‘Pay Day’

BJ: You ought to have gone into marketing instead of teaching English in Japan.

DE: (sings) Pay Day!

That’s my hip hip hooray day!

BJ: Thank you – a fucking tour de force.

DE: Actually I’m not really so concerned with money.

BJ: I’m sorry but we don’t have time for you to contradict yourself.

DE:It shows I have have depth.

BJ: It shows you’re annoying.

DE: I don’t care for money. People should stay home, not work, raise children.

BJ: Dude.

DE: I can’t wait for pay day.

BJ: Dude.

DE: I don’t care for money – money can’t buy me blood.

BJ: Pay day is the 10th. What are you gonna do ’til then?

DE: Touch me – all over my body.

BJ: Jesus.

By the way, did you know – North Korea is trying to start a big fucking war with Japan.

Since April (I think) they have fired a whole bunch of missiles at us.

Today they fired six more (so far).

How about, if it’s not too much trouble,

NUKING THEM?!?

I mean, fuck – enough is enough.

I was enjoying chatting with my cousin, Sato-san, and he said if you don’t perk up your ears pronto and retaliate we are going to nuke up and turn that island to the left of us into (insert derogatory slur of your own choosing here).

I look forward to your reply (hopefully in the form of a massive onslaught next door).

Sincerely yours,

Japan.

Jessie is one of my offline friends so it’s a shock that she met Barack online. I honestly didn’t even know if she had an FaceBook account until another friend who I know from online Fluffered me that Jessie san had been Facing Barack for months!!! Oh my god I pooped my pants!!!

Jessie is so outgoing likes campfires and the president.

I don’t think she voted though.

Jessie’s dad Brad has casks of Edgar Allan Poe wine and we get stoned off it when he goes out.

Yeah – Jessie she’s sexting… Barack Obama, that’s who!!! Whoopie oh my god!!!

“I don’t care about the rocket – it’s boring,” said Koari Mitsui, 21, a junior college student at Tokyo’s prestigious International School of Beans & Nail Arts.

Americans didn’t know where North Korea was.

“I don’t know where North Korea was,” said Carl Palmerston 35, an aide to US president Barack Obama. “It sounds boring,” he went on.

Yes indeed it is boring, but other old folks want revenge for the rocket.

Take Knox Weatherby, 58, who works as a dental assistant in Miami.”We oughtta clean their clocks,” Mr Weatherby said flailing about. “China, Korea – the whole lotta them,” he went on.

What an over-reaction!

The rocket is on its way to Ganamide, a small circular planet that sits inside Earth’s solar system like a bug in a rug.

“It sits inside…” said Earnst Hoff, 4, coughing without covering his mouth.

North Korea has friends on Ganamide they wanna hang out with and also maybe they wanna build bases there and so on.

Beer is cheap on Ganamide and there is a pumpin’ singles scene.

“We’re gonna write them (the North Korean folks) a strongly-worded comeback,” said United Nations head honcho Ban Ki-moon at Denny’s. “I was so shocked that North Korea behaved very naughtily,” he went on.

Well, regardless it sure may trigger “an anguished debate”, leading to the “ratcheting up” of something, maybe even “strengthening the resolve” of somebody to do something.

I for one am totally all hopped up and ready.