Only 1 in 5 Serial Killers is Witty

By Smia Oots, TORONTO – Despite our steady diet of witty serial killers injested from fabulus digital video digitals (DVDs), in reality fewer than five serial killers is witty, according to a landmark report submitted to the UN by Canada’s  Barack Obama, Canadian Prime Minister Cock Blocker.

“Mr Speaker, Canada, and other nations known as the USA and more, face not only an slow economic recovery, earthquake in Haiti and war with Mother Nature, but as this bulbous report proves unquestionably, we face an alarming decrease in the number of serial murderers who are witty,” Mr Blocker roared, standing on a table for two this morning, at Denny’s.

Long a traditional locale of important political announcements in Canaduh, the US and so on, Denny’s invited Blocker to cook up the morning’s breakfasts for the early morning drunken customers that staggered in from next-door nite club, Cheaters.

He declined.

Moving along, the report, some say, has no pictures.

“Sounds so boring,” quipped Nami Watanabe, 22, a visting Japanese student who is eating muffins at Second Cup coffee restaurants in Toronto.

Uh huh, so are you enjoying your stay in the T Dot?

“What’s ‘T Dot’?”

I mean, must be picking up. plucking up, lots of new English phrases and getting high a lot.

“Mm, actually, so boring.”

Jesus.

There are 6786867878,0000 registered serial killers living in Toronto, a surprising number of only 26 living in their mother’s basements. Yes, 89,7% live in a condo by Yonge & Eglinton.

Anyways, how come more serial killers aren’t cracking us up?

“Well, clearly since everything we know is wrong, wouldn’t you naturally expect that your expectation that serial killers are witty be wrong?” grilled University of Toronto Professor of Donuts, Myra Naillet, 17.

Not necessarily.

“I see. Well I can tell you’re ‘not necessarily into post-secondary education’.”

You wanna get high?

“I can meet you after 6 – I’m in a class until then.”

Groovy. Serial killers are also like super-intelligent, hence their snappy wit and whathaveyou, right?

“Mm. Let’s talk about that kind of thing later, when we’re getting high.”

Man…is this ever one cold city.