My Face is Lacking in Primary Oils

By Brenda Vitnower, Special to The Brutal Times – My face is lacking in primary oils. But it’s so oily due to my unbalanced diet and upbringing.

Let me explain.

Oils is a part of necessity and life. Each person is made up of 25% oils.

Some oils, like cod, veggie and extra virgin olive are found on my face.

But the rest, is lacking.

I went to see Connie, a palm-reader and massage therapist at the mall. Connie told me I lost weight. However, she said, during the seance, “Your face is on its last legs.”

She had said this before, of course, but not when I was awake.

What kind of life’m I gonna lead now that I got this prob?

The lacking of basic essential vital life-giving arousing oils.

I called in sick the next day. ‘Fuck it’, I said, ‘Those brats’ll have to make do without me today,’ I said, but of course not out loud.

But they came and dragged me to work.

During tea time I was in the can and I looked at me face.

“JesusohmygodJesus!” was what I said and it attracted a crowd, mostly of brats crowing for more.

Diet is an important part of a life and we gotta eat what’s right. I surfed the Internet in my free time and I was in awe of all the porno that dotted my landscape. I forgot all about my face.

For twenty hours or so.

Then I took a break and the phone rang.

“How’s your face?” asked the voice on the other end of the line.

“Whom shall I say is asking?” I replied with a tart reply.

“It’s Tart Reply, the unironic phishing scam set up to prey on nincompoops and their dependents, and also of course, the elderly, dot com.”

Slamming down the phone and shotgunning a beer, I collected my thoughts. What had I learned? The Internet was bad. No, my phone was bad.

I had to get rid of my phone.

The next day I buried my phone out by the old wax museum. Sweat poured into my eyes as crows circled above and the air was filled with an overpowering scent of McDonalds.

That night I reviewed my life choices. I tacked the results on the fridge and stood back and took a look.

Fuck, almost all the choices were really, really bad.

Maybe I would need to do something. I could call for help.

But the phone was gone.

Or was it?