By Daemon Mailer, SAN FRANCISCO – Laughton Cahootenghastob, 21, a hedge fund manager at Billy’s Bank, never expected to be caught in the epicenter of an Internet shitstorm. But after Cahootenghastob used social networking tool Facebook to express himself last Friday without also taking to Twitter, billions are demanding he be executed.
“Clearly, that guy – doesn’t get that to tease us like that, only giving us part of his perspective makes him the laughingstock of the Internet,” Tweeted tween Jann Hatocasket,12.
Hatocasket posted pictures of herself composing the Tweet on her Facebook wall and texted friends, family and media about the experience for hours afterwords.
“To post something on Facebook and then not accompany that with a Tweet or two, gives your friends and followers blue balls,” U.S. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney tweeted and posted and texted and etced.
Billions agreed everywhere, calling for Cahootenghastob to be crucified.
“I want justice. If I can’t get justice, I want revenge, and if I can’t get that then I just want some entertainment,” ejaculated Sarah Robinison, 26, a part-time office worker at Haldeman’s Karaoke. “I’d like to see him (Cahootenghastob) get death by electric eel,” she went on.
In San Francisco, only 50% of offenders are given death by electric eel.
They let the others back into the community.
But that’s kind of a secret, so don’t tell anyone.
“We as a society decide the seriousness of crimes and their punishments by like, trends and so on,” chimed Judge Roy Mental, 78, when contacted by The Brutal Times. “So, your boy there – whatsisname – Castengoob? They’re gonna grill him over the coals. Now is definitely not the time to be making offense over social networking tools – what with Steve Jobs gone and all.”