Joined in progress – 3 young moms are talking, nodding in agreement.

TALKING MOM:

“…and he’s 3, and he already knows the f-word, and says things like, ‘I want to cut your head off.’”

Must be a Montessori student.

Barf.

Young mom to one of 3 kids aboot 4 years of age at her table:

“It’s never good enough for you, is it?”

“The great oral tradition of what you and I know as television, or TV, is being threatened by the Internet,” said Carville Balistrade, 6, a spokesperson for MyGoodies, before quickly walking away and disappearing into a crowd of stunned onlookers at the Hotel Two-Way.

“I didn’t know they let kids in here,” griped Hugo Plow, 40, a paying guest. “I’m a paying guest and I demand satisfaction or my money back,” he went on.

Anyway, lots of scholars agree what that kid from the think tank said. For example, there’s Ms. Leah Reeperbahn, 22 and legal, of the University of Transylvania. Ms. Reeperbahn is fighting to preserve the oral traditions which will disappear down the poop chute of history when people toss their TVs in the toilet in the very near future.

The Brutal Times caught up with Ms. Reeperbahn and her annoying boyfriend Louis Drippe, 44, as they were exiting the pricey Boston bistro Pasta La Vista where Mr. Drippe had been boring her with stories of his dreams and many many failings.

“You look gorgeous – sorry sir, can you step over there for a moment ? What a great beret! Read your thesis – it really packs a wallop!”

“Oh… thank you. I’m sorry,I didn’t get your name?”

“Cavalier Dokk, from The Brutal Times.”

“The New York Times! I can’t – how did you come to read my thesis?”

“The guy sitting at the bar next to me was reading it and I sort read it over his shoulder.”

“Well…that’s…listen, I have to go – my boyfriend – Louis..”

“What you say is very, very provocative – that television, or what you and I know as TV, is at risk -”

“Threatened.”

“Threatened – by the Internet.”

“Yes, I think it’s a shame, really; there are a lot of unique oral storytelling voices that are going to be lost once everyone starts reading all the time online.”

“Oh sure. Like whom?”

“Well, I think there’s the currently popular ones like Oprah Winfrey and Jon Stewart. Then, you’ve also got, going back, Tony Danza, Fonzi, Chachi and Michael J. Fox.”

“And their unique voices will be lost.”

“Exactly. We’re losing them right now.”

“Jesus, it’s a shame.”

“I say that in my thesis. Repeatedly.”

“It’s a fresh body blow to something.”

“It is that, yes. It’s also occuring at a time that’s politically sensitive to someone.”

“Obama?”

“If that’s what you want, yes. Listen, can I go now?”

“No, no, no, no, no – no, it is not. I take that question back. Listen, aren’t you afraid to study at a place called Transylvania University?”

“Should I be?”

“Jesus, you’re hard work. Surely you’re not unawares of the other graduates produced there?”

“I don’t care to hear all the jokes again at this particular moment.”

“What’s the attraction for you in a man like Louis?”

“Louis…has helped me in many ways, which you can’t even begin to understand.”

“Try me.”

“Look, I don’t even know you.”

“No one knows anybody.”

“There are times when being witty isn’t going to win the battle for you.”

“It’s more about the feeling.”

“Yes.”

“You realize that if I lose you here in print this story’s not going to have a happy ending?”

“Do all your stories have a happy ending?”

“Look, for me…I really don’t care so much. I mean, I do care, but I care more about what the readers out there are going to think when someone rips them off and sticks them with a clod of bad feeling in the gut.”

“All right then. Just don’t break my heart like all the rest.”

Understand?

My best friend Trin, a hedge fund manager who held onto her high-rolling lifestyle as her so-workers were culled lately brushes her tongue.

The mailman who used to deliver our mail before he caught that swine flu did not brush his tongue.

In fact he was tongueless.

But that’s another story.

I was so glad when my local Internet site The Brutal Times notified me by carrier pigeon that I had won a one in a billion chance to pen an article about my life -online.

That would be this article you’re ready now.

Actually they said most of their readers are Google spiders – they’re these droids that suck up info and are invisible to the naked eye except to dudes like Daemon Mailer.

Anyway, I don’t know – should I brush my tongue or not?

Ready?

Millions of pairs of popular low rider jeans like the type Britney Spears wears are being recalled due to the shocking revelation that the jeans reveal large portions of the wearer’s ass to the viewing public.

Let me try that again – If you wear low rider jeans people around you can see your ass crack hanging out.

Investigators from Canada alerted their American friends that they “can see your ass crack” on more than 67,878,986,098 occasions last month, according to prestigious Carribean think tank MyGoodies.

In Canada low riders are eschewed (shunned, not chosen, deselected etc) by folks because they have high morals. Like the awkward daffy prime minister, Cock Blocker, most wear snow pants stuffed with wads of cotton batten.

Anyway, people are suing of course.

“I want ten million dollars – right now,” sobbed Clarice Mustange, 20 of Baltimore, who says she learned from Vernon, Baltimore’s town crier, that her bum had been viewed by thousands of folks during her many jaunts about town in her waking hours.

“I want that money, now,” she wailed. “Because my innocent mind was destroyed by these jean-makers,” she went on.

Jean-makers, or “jeans-makers” as they are known in Houston, Virginia and Montreal, Canada, are boarding up their businesses and donning silly-looking disguises to avoid being harmed by infuriated victims.

“Yeah, but they’re pretty easy to spot,” says Houston hipster Neal Binghoff,30. “I mean they all look like Joaquin Phoenix – with the sunglasses and the beard thing.”

Then again, so did he.

Zach Rockafeller, a 23 year-old male model from NYC living in Tokyo said he hasn’t felt cool “since December 2007″. Rockafeller has spent the last year growing his shoulder-length hair after admiring the hairstyle of a male model he saw in a Gap ad. “But now I’m thinkin’ maybe I should cut it,” he lamented. He often wears a hat.

Similarly, 21 year-old Beatrice Chang, cellist for the Hong Kong Symphony Orchestra told MyGoodies she has rarely chatted online with international friends recently. “I don’t know what to talk about,” she confided. “I’m not quite sure, you know, even if it is quite so cool you know, to chat online anymore you know,” she went on.

“Globally, what we’re seeing is something of a plunge in confidence in the traditional ideals of what we’ve always held to be cool,” said Baghdad University visiting professor Ray Goolens. “I mean, not to use myself as an example, but one of the reasons I first came to Baghdad U was that, in 2005 it was getting shot at, or people thought it was – I mean most of that was over by 2004 – but the point is people thought it was getting shot at and I thought that after teaching here for a year if I went back to the States girls would think I had brass balls for coming over here.”

And yet upon return to his native Indiana Goolens was shock-rocked to find he was wrong.

“I went to bar after bar, Starbucks after Starbucks, and told my BU (Baghdad University) story, and people just yawned,” Goolens admitted.

Despite the surprising news it may come as no surprise that there are still some who are not surprised.

Veronica Aiin, 24 a graduate school drop-out at Toronto’s York University commented, “They’re (Goolens, Rockefeller) trying too hard; you can’t be cool and try.”

Despite the insight of this remark Aiin is not perfect.

“She’s like, white and it’s 2008, almost 2009 and she’s got that whole ‘I’m a white girl with dreads thing, look at me’ so I thought I could nail her on like ‘If you’re not a rasta then why do you wear dreads?’ or ‘If you wear dreads just ’cause you don’t care about your hair then why don’t you just shave your head?’ kind of double bind thing, but she just took off, which was kinda cool,” said MyGoodies pollster Eliza Kane.

Still, most cool people are really feeling the pinch and this justifies a slew of pricey coffee table books says Helena Cradgerock, publisher at The Brutal Times Press. “It’s a tragic crisis, a personal crisis affecting the libido and we have the most fantastic photographers from France and a child photoblogger from Afghanistan to cover it,” she confided.

Courage.

“Boy, was I in for a surprise,” he says now.

Savage, who is fresh-faced and disarmingly clean for a foreigner, thought he’d “scored big time” last Thursday when he was offered a much-sought-after job interview with prestigious Japanese electronics company, Sony. As you know, Sony created the fantastically popular iPod, or “Internet Podular” as it is known in Japon. This handheld music game is even popular with some foreigner who got a Japanese girlfriend or wife.

But.

“When I entered the prestigious Sony interview cube, suddenly Mr. Sato Jiro, who had spoken to me thrice on the telephone prior to the interview popped out of a secret door in the floor (this is called “doko demo doa” in Japanese). He then shouted at me that if I really wanted to work at Sony, in the semiconductor division anyway, that I should ‘enter’ the goat!”

Many large electronic company got such a test. It is to show enthusiastic happiness and making friends.

But.

“Mr. Sato and Mr Steven Tottlemeyer Hainsone III, who is his plebe, insisted I pleasure the goat immediately. When I politely demurred, by saying I needed to take a few days and think about it, they started ridiculing me. It was really terrible,” Mr. Savage said.

And after that.

“I just couldn’t go through with it, so I’m pretty sure I’m not getting the job; I just hope I made the right decision,” Savage added.

After hearing such a sad cry story, I called to Mr. Sato and his helper the plebe. After they could confirm about it I offered for myself as a replaced candidate for the Mr. Savage.

One thing I can tell you that this job pay is much more than the brutal times.com. And now I think perhaps I could get a more clear meaning of British English word “shag”.

Thick hot black oil, pumped lovingly from the juicy sun-drenched sands of Saudi Arabia is shaping up to be the cash camel of 2009. The oil gushes out of the ground and soaks entire families and their pets. It leaves a sticky residue that investors are counting on to ride out the current brutal economic downturn caused by the housing crises. Both medium and long-term oil-based securities are forecast by prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies to rack up record profits as people all across the globe pick up blunt instruments and go at it one on one.

“Over the next two to three years with the opening up of the Canadian north by U.S., Soviet, and Danish forces to unlimited petro resource exploration we’re going to be witnessing an engorging of petro-based assets,” concurred Heartland King, 19, who is in charge of executing global energy exploration for BB FunCorp. “It’s exciting to see, because before we die at each other’s hands, fighting over these last scraps, bits and bites, we’re all going to become so rich we’ll become rock stars.”

Water, which is the world’s most popular drink according to Wikipedia, is also said to be a prime mover in ’09. As irksome ice melts and all the animals and their play friends die oceans are going to dry up. When consumers begin to pay $757.97 for a single drop of water savvy investors like Katherine Jaleps are going to become so rich they’ll be like rock stars.

“I invested heavily in (former) Toronto mayor Melbert Lastman’s Urban Geyser start-up and people laughed in a sort of throaty sexual way that made me shake with rage,” said Ms. Jaleps, 40. “But although my stock hasn’t risen substantially yet, after Bush goes into Iran and Russia takes Canada, we’ll see who’s the comedian.”

Even sane people are buying heavily in oil and water.

Tito Cebrito, who produced two children – a boy and a girl, and has not cheated on his wife, has been setting aside $540 Canadian a month ($6,8976.98 U.S.) and placing it into his Royal Bank Canada Side Salad Fund (named in reference to the similarities between simple salad dressings in Canada and the hot properties oil and water themselves).

“I want my kids to know ‘Dad thought ahead’”, Tito says, gesticulating. “Because the statistics show my neighbor is gonna come at me, and try to take what’s mine, outta necessity.” Tito seems to be saying that although he doesn’t expect to survive the street carnage that will erupt as people scrap over food and basic needs in the last days, he feels strongly that somebody somewhere like his kids will care that at least he tried to preserve their place in the class society.

Dan Oots, who manages CIBC Canada’s Fear Fund portfolio, says that market needs dictate upturns and downturns. He is hoping in the final seconds he`ll “somehow turn into Barack Obama and get so many chicks I, like explode.” Crucial to the realization of his scheme is an angel investor program which forces strangers he meets on the bus to give him twenty dollars a pop, which he then sometimes funnels into an energy-targeted investment fund. Even his wife, Alma, doesn’t know of the fund’s existence.

“I don’t totally trust her,” Oots says.

Hatoyama says a friend from a butterfly collectors group knows a member of al Qaeda.

He recalls hearing his friend’s friend talking about ‘bombing’ and ‘Bali’ and assumed that they were discussing a trip to Bali to make an attempt to capture what is thought of as the holy grail among butterfly collectors, the ‘Bali Bomb’, so named for it’s highly flamable wings.

The friend of a friend also apparently asked the Justice Minister if he had any extra Japanese passports lying around. ” I gave him the two or three I had on me, it’s no big deal really. After all, I am the Jusitice Minister.”

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