And the nominees for Iraq’s prime minister are…

Nouri al-Maliki – The prime minister is chasing a second, seventy-eight year term in a plush corner office in Baghdad’s tallest building, The Phallus, contesting this election as the head of his Tough Love Coalition. Al-Maliki first shock-rocketed to fame in May 2006 after winning the priemership during a game of rock, paper, scissors. Al-Maliki himself has said he favors “coarse language” over beheadings and swift punches to the carotid artery, and is a champion of targeted so-called “smart pinches” to the bum-bum. Plus, “I like the American English word ‘douchebag’ he says now, “but it is difficult to make rhymes with,” he steamed.

Since becoming prime minister, Al-Maliki has insisted all Iraqi government sext messages be conducted in verse. He particularly likes New Wave lyrics writtenby the J. Geils Band. “That’s why he is so cool,” says JamJam, an exotic dancer at the club I was resting at. Al-Maliki has been harhly criticized for depending on a small but gifted troupe of sex trade workers from his BoogieDown Party to advise him on everything, from what kind of brunch he should order to the best method of execution for bad people. Al-Maliki likes blondes, generally a little shorter than average, and says he “doesn’t care so much” about breast size.

Jalal Talabani: This award-winning breakdance king and sidewalk chalk artist is serving a second term as president and loves it so much he’s giving up his freedom to do it just one more time, for another eighty-two years. He founded the Patriotic Union of Kurdistan in 1975, tattooing “Kurdistan is Super-fine” on his inner thigh later that night. But after travelling to Helsinki, Talibani changed his mind about Kurdistan being the best place for booty. “He came back from there (Helsinki) and he smelled like a bum,” Talabani’s best friend Milo Oots says. “Then he showed me all the chalk art sketches he had done of the hot babes he met there and I began to see that he wasn’t totally insane,” he went on. According to Cute Pets Magazine, which profiled Talabani for its winter Schnauzer issue, the two best friends renamed their party the “I Wanna Move to Helsinki – Who’s with Me? Party”. Teens and seniors broke windows in Talabani’s chalet, complaining that the new name was “confusing” and too long. The name change did, however, garner Talabani a mistress – pert 58-year-old Canadian model Undo, whose hobbies include horseback riding and shrieking.

Adel Abdul-Mahdi: The Shiite vice president is a French-speaking ventriloquist who has an English accent. At 756 pounds in the raw, Abdul-Mahdi has been a prime minister in waiting since 2005. “First I waited in front of the parliamnet buildings,” he says now, “but there  was no shade and so I got this hideous sunburn down the middle of my face.” Later, Abdul-Mahdi waited in his car and a nearby supermarket; still the plumb position failed to come a knocking. A big fan of the Iranian-backed Spreme Islamic Iraqi Council Party, Abdul-Mahdi twice came close to being prime minister but missed out to candidates from the Dawa Party who had woken up earlier and arrived at parliament before him. “I forgot to set my alarm clock,” he says now.

Tariq al-Hashemi: The Sunni vice president, his eyes popping out like raw eggs, is Iraq’s reigning veggie hot dog eating champion. He has been among the harshest critics of Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, joking about his height, weight, and hygiene. After quitting school at 54, Al-Hashemi roamed the streets “twisting and frugging the night away”. “I thought I’d never get enough af all night karaoke,” he confided to me, winking at something he saw somewhere.

So, what happened, man?

“I got enough of all-night karaoke,” he says now.

Muqtada al-Sadr: The sexy author of S&M manuals is not running in the election but has endorsed the vote, saying, “I like it, and at the same time, I don’t.” In the past, Al-Sadr – who is single, girls  – denounced elections as a sham because they were held under the American “occupation”. But unnamed insiders like Ray Goolens say he may merely be biding his time until his agent gets an offer for him to star in a mainstream Hollywood comedy film or tv series. “I  see Al-Sadr, and I think of Ice T on Law & Order, or Ice Cube in Friday,” says impresario Matsumoto Boy, Sadr’s longtime agent at BB Fun Corp.

Ayad Allawi: The former prime minister is the self-taught face of secular politics in boring post-Saddam Iraq. People adore his lack of acne and other skin troubles. “If I could, I’d like, graft his face – onto my face,” inisted my daughter, Trixie, 17. “But I would wax the moustache first,” she went on.

Back in the 1990′s, Allawi worked as an all-night lion tamer, before turning his back on the profession when people he didn’t like “started copying me.”

How did you feel when you told the top tamer you were quitting?

“I felt wickedly liberated.”

Ibrahi al-Jaafari: is like, Jeez - another former prime minister!?! Best remembered for his refusal to buy drinks for the Brutal Times, this is all the space he gets.

Ahmad Chalabi: With his boyish smile, former Hollywood Yoga instructor Chalabi is running in the same coalition led by the Supreme Etc. Once a Bush family favorite, Chalabi failed to win a seat in the last parliamentary election, in 2005, and has spent the last 5 years standing up. “I can’t wait to sit down,” he says now. Chalabi’s groovy relations with the United States soured when the sweet inteligence he provide on Saddam’s WMDs caused the US to invade Iraq, suffering thousands of casualties and deaths, whilst wiping out untold scores of Iraqis over a 7 year period. “Yeah, I made few mistakes,” he says now.

Or does he?

Accidental Airlines, one of America’s premier low budget fliers says millions, maybe zillions of miles may not be honored or waved entirely due to the crisis.

“Until the political situation in Iran is resolved Accidental, or any of their Star Alliance partners will be unable to facilitate air travel to or fro Iran via le air miles,” Carton Max, spokeshuman for Accidental said through a wad of crumpled up kleenex.

Millions of stereomoms and dads wishing to kick back in Iran this week using squirreled away air miles are screwed.

“We’re…just irate, with hate,” said Laura Hunt, 26, a hedge fund manager from Chicago. “These air miles were guaranteed by Accidental, and they deserve instant death,” she went on.

Other folks who didn’t even know what an air mile was screamed bloody murder when told of the crisis in the skies by The Brutal Times.

“Bloooooooody muuuurder!!!” screamed Jason Goff, 14, a hedge fund manager in Baltimore.

Iran, for its own part has stayed mum on the subject, choosing instead to sort out its election thingy first.

President Saddam Hussein is expected to win by a wide margin, but some folks are tiring of his regime, brutality and so on.

“We’re looking for someone younger,” says John Robinson, a tailor and taxi driver in Tehran. “That would blow everybody’s jets.”

“Japan, one of our most ah steadfast uh allies – in the fight to ah, to really get things turned around over there ah in Iran, has ah to the best of our knowledge, ah promised to deliver those volcanoes before breakfast to ah Mr Hussein,” Mr Obama commented via his Blackberry text machine.

Volcanoes are a symbol of Japan’s sexual power and symbolize a man’s love juice shooting out.

They can also be used as a nifty substitute for nuclear power, yes yes yes – like the nuclear power Iran is just creaming it’s Sergio Valente jeans for all these months.

So – Japan is acting like an international bridge between America’s first black president Mr Obama, and Iran’s madman president, Mr Kooky Pants.

“It is fascinating to see how every time there is a problem – and I mean every time, some Japanese person will solve it before an American can,” says Ray Goolens, who studies Japanese in Starbucks coffee restaurants in Tokyo.

“I say ‘God bless Japan’, and ‘God that girl ordering the frappacino over there in the tight pants looks hot’,” Mr Goolens added softly.

Japan has ten volcanoes which it built mostly in the 1970′s when the volcano craze was sweeping the area. Once popular, as time wore on people began to bitch about them. Some guys even threw rocks at them.

“Iran is a poor third world country such as Canada, Australia and so on,” said  Takahashi Ryo, 24, who lauded the Japanese government’s decision to lop the ‘canoes off and float them downstream towards Iran.

“Old people over 3o loves volcanoes, because they believe that such things are important for their work life, family, and so on,” Takahashi went on. “But we younger generation doesn’t care about it so much.”

Ok.

By The Serge, Sadr City, IRAQ – After 5 years of popular US shows being written, produced and directed in this magnificent mountainous country all but one of the major US television networks has admitted it has plans to pull the plug on its studio facilities here before the end of 2009.

Among the compelling hit programs that will no longer be based in Iraq are Full House, 3rd Rock From The Sun, and Frasier.

The loss of Frasier hits Iraqis particularly hard as the word “frasier” means “essential human heart lifeblood thing” and “good luck word for chance to bone mysterious hot-looking girl”. It means other things too, but the English explanations for those are even longer.

You don’t believe me?

OK, one other one is “blobular husky smelling illegal but maybe okay just for you type thing plus good luck word for chance to bone mysterious hot-looking girl”. Satisfied?

So, they’re all leaving and people are sad because the invasion, like it or not, was a big plus for Iraqi tv.

“Yes, it is true, we like their shows – so what?” offered one shopkeeper.

The one remaining US tv network – CSPAN – will continue to serve up its daily menu of American political highlights. While some may see this as good news, even after more than 5 years of daily viewing many Iraqis admitted they are confused by the programme.

“I don’t get it – who’s the main character?” complained Nabil Hanef, 30. “It’s not as good as Frasier,” he added.

Brushing aside US and Blackwater Construction Company requests to “chill”, “take a time-out”, and “genuflect” vengeful bloodthirsty citizens woke early Monday to begin a brutal day of death-threatening, physical intimidation, and sabotage.

Tourists visiting Baghdad for Christmas wondered if the wide-ranging bloodlust might affect them.

“There does still seem to be rather a lot of fighting going on about,” said Phillip Conn, 43, a vacationing orthodontist from London. “Especially in and around the ‘holy places’, which is a shame, really, as those are what we came here to see.”

Taro Matsumoto, a nineteen year-old university student from Nagoya, Japan said most Iraqis had treated him well during his five day visit to the turbulent capital.

“Everyone was very nice,” said Mr Matsumoto, who mentioned he had come to “homestay” with an English-speaking Iraqi family. “But to tell the truth, I didn’t like the food much; it was very oily,” he added.

Shops in central Baghdad and neighboring suburbs seemed to be all but sold out of standard armaments like glocks, AKs and bazookas.

At one local arms market, a shopkeeper who declined to give his name or discuss his hobbies confessed business had been so good he had only “stink bombs” left in stock.

“If there is someone you really want to kill before Christmas,” he cautioned, “you’d better get down here soon and buy something. Or you’ll end up having to do it the old-fashioned way: with your bare hands.”

Make sense?!?