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The Brutal Times

A bit of a toff, really, Admin inhaled the classics early. His ears are ringing and he plans...to answer them.

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Recent Post: In Spacewalk Astronauts Repair Finnish Space Station

Barry Husein

A ferocious intellect, Barry Hussein is not for everybody. Twisting and frugging the nite away, Hussein entices us to sniff his mink sweatpants. Covered in cake, he muses, "Sometimes the hardest sweatpants to fill...are your own."

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Recent Post: Gingrich Reaches Out to Conservatives

Styles Cradgerock

Closely following the rules of Pythagorus - to abstain from beans, not to pick up what was fallen, not to eat the heart, and refusing to look in a mirror after midnite, Cradgerock gets all up in the grills of all the world's leaders, bringing more than just his reputation as the king of folksy garbage to the table...bringing...er...Mr. Cradgerock also wrote the bestselling eBook, My Mind is a Battlefield, 2010, which will be made into a t-shirt as sooner than you can say Duran Duran.

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Recent Post: Should Scotland Become Important?

Ohashi Jozu

Ohashi Jozu is a seasoned business affairs columnist. His 37 years with Japan's premier financial trade newspaper The Nikkei Weekly earned him kudos from Princess Masako, Seattle Mariners' slugger Ichiro Suzuki, and the widely-respected deceased American writer Norman Mailer, who once called Mr Ohashi " a living embodiment of Japan's samurai spirit - a white-knuckle roller-coaster ride of a human being." Ohashi Jozu has two daughters, Koari, and Sadako. They are attending junior college and hope to become flight attendants.

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Recent Post: Foreigners will be Tested on Chopstick Ability Japan Says

Smia Oots

Smia Oots is a free-floating wild card racked up on painkillers and an automated sequence of commands who came to Tokyo to pursue her interest in social drinking. Always in search of new moments that can only live on in recollection, Oots asks we put the Enlightenment behind us, stat.

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Recent Post: People With the Same Name are the Same

Rabeezio Rabeezio

A symbol of something, Rabeezio excels in the gymnastics of despair. A plagiarist's wet dream, he'll either recover, or he won't.

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Recent Post: Sarah Palin Threw My Hockey Puck in the Lake!

Grande Chef Otto

GCO is a third generation Grade AAA Grande Chef, whom has served France with distinction since first garnering the honor in 1963.The title of "Grande Chef" is bestowed by the prestigious Paris L'Ecole du Piscine Noir uponst those rare experts in the culinary arts willing to take unprecedented risks in the pursuit of achieving gastronomic perfection. He is also the proud owner of the award-winning bistros Ssh..Kebab, and Pasta La Vista.

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Recent Post: Diet Earth: The Earth is Too Fat

Marshall Stack

Failing to heed his own warnings, specialist in moral turpitude Marshall Stack has hit a roadblock. Yes, gang, just like you and me, he's the opposite of delicious. According to passersby, Stack possesses that rare commodity of being able not only to control his own weight, but also that of others. We're so proud of him for not breaking anything.

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Recent Post: Cock Blocker Leaves Canada Open for Anarchy

El Toro

Born angry, shitdisturber El Toro is an explicit indictment of something. Eschewing bathroom breaks, Toro sends a signal to hisself by reading strangers' email. Ringleader of BT's notorious bling ring, ET has learned the hard way you don't bring sand to the beach. That's whut he says anyway.

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Recent Post: Man’s Shit “Doesn’t Stink”

the serge

Channeling Pascal (The source of all man's misfortune is his inability to stay in his room) the serge confides, "In my day, we didn't call them love hotels - we called them sex hotels." Begging the question, Vuvuzela avec moi, ce soir?, BT readers get so much pleasure out of his columns they...ought to be punished.

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Recent Post: Nameless Drifters Face Housing Shortage

Hank Bonner

Unpaid human intern Bonner's walls don't always go to the ceiling. A tiny blast of fresh air, Hank Bonner was homeschooled and can eat all cheeses. All of his exes are married.

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Recent Post: Plagiarism Scandal Rocks Toronto, Shatters New Year Calm

Doctor McGillicutty

Creepy and inappropriate is McGillicutty's middle name. There's a whiff of self-importance to his smile. Intellectually indebted to Popeye, he's in debt and loving it.

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Recent Post: Do You Have a Headache in Your Stomach?

Business Jesus

Your own personal BJ, Business Jesus rowed his dingy ashore to the scattered applause of Wall Street and Main Street. Wiping his hands on his Julian Assange jeans, Daoist Jonesist BJ never sleeps, and never scrolls down. His rants are to be collected this spring in a 24 billion page tome, OK Comptroller, available in tablet or liquid form.

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Recent Post: How the Royals Save Money

DJ Salinger

Better than nothing, DJ Salinger shakes it where the sun don't shine. BT' s resident recluse on the loose, Salinger is the trouble with this generation, begging the question, What is the sound of one fist bumping?

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Recent Post: Oops: New Stooges Album Has Same Title as Biggie Smalls Debut

Daemon Mailer

Sweet little Daemon Mailer invented the Internet in his garage while he was trying unsuccessfully to invent the first rental video store. Like the rest, Daeme is also making moves to cash in on BT's success and avoid eating peanut butter out of a jar livin' in his car the rest of his life. All during the night as he wiggles to an 'fro, some kinda machine records his thoughts, churning out a pile o crud to be compiled in the forthcoming tome, I am Spam.

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Recent Post: Aging Hypocrites Want a Piece of the Pie

Yves Dropper

Do you have an interesting story to tell all locked up inside of you? I'll bet you do! And just in case you get liquored up enough to tell it in public, you can count on veteran BT sideshow and critic of garage erotica Yves Dropper to tell it for you! Not happy with what Yves is doing by his lonesome? Set on embarrassing yourself, your friends, family and coworkers as Yours Truly? Drop Yves a line at thebrutaltimes.com and if they live up to the toweringly high standard known as conversational gold, he promises to use all your stories just like they were all his own.

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Recent Post: Can James Cameron’s Emoticon Save the Silver Screen?

Santa

Giving to the rich and robbing the poor, once you really get to know him, Santa's more disappointing than the most grotesque sidewalk artist's portrait. Yes, we at BT were excited to bag him at first, what, back in...2009? But since then, boy, has the regret set in. Santa's limited creativity means he's liable to churn out maybe one article per year, and even then...well...just take a look see at whut he's written.

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Recent Post: Nobel Peace Prize Spoiler: And the Winner is…Roland Emmerich!

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