For lefties, the right hand is “the Stranger”.

Yes, for years folks over forty thought Billy Joel was “The Stranger.”

And maybe he was, in a way, in whatever way that might mean.

As you know, according to classic rock legend, it was Toto, who coined Joel’s nickname ‘The Stranger’ after they exchanged backstage caresses of steel one night in Bangkok.

But they were also wrong (the folks over forty).

Dead wrong.

Thus, verily, for most of this millenium of taxpayer-funded research, crammed crusty cardboard boxes were carted out of cavernous cubes of prestigious Caribbean think tank MyGoodies-cardboard boxes crammed to the brim with shock-rocking research, proving lefties get their party started with their right hands.

Let me try that again.

“I just get tired of the left hand 99% of the time,” ejaculated Occupy Wall Street anarchist Giles Richardson, 40, a lefty. “Using ‘The Stranger’ just jazzes it up,” he went on.

Let me be clear – you’re talking about… when you think about me, you touch yourself?

“When I think about me.”

Right. Sure. But is this too much for folks to know? Will they melt down under the infoload?

Folks can never know enough, says Internet pioneer Daemon Mailer, when contacted by The Brutal Times at home in his log cabin.

Full disclosure: Daemon Mailer is an unpaid employee at The Brutal Times.

Fuller disclosure: We didn’t feel like interviewing anybody else for this interview, cos, like, it was raining outside.

Too much disclosure: it wasn’t raining outside.

“Folks – shoppers – can never know enough,” Mr Mailer quipped, drawing lazily on his pipe, while fondling his Davy Crockett hat.

Zat gonna help ‘em make more informed choices and so on?

“Er, no.”

Yeah, but shoppers still have the right to click off any time they want.

“C’mon.”

OK, but “The Stranger” is trending right now?

“It’s trending right up the proverbial trending wazoo. Justin Beiber’s using ‘The Stranger’, Hugo Chavez, The Queen Mum…”

The Queen Mum’s a lefty?

“She’s left-handed, yes. She plays a left-handed Fender, just like Kurt Cobain.”

Let me get this straight.

“By all means.”

When you say “lefties,” you mean people who-

“Yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh. That’s it exactly.”

But…Billy Joel’s not left-handed.

“He’s not?”

No.

“My bad.”

Are you left-handed?

“I’m both-handed.”

So, then-

“So, then, yes, I know, ‘Is it a little boring for me, or is it, y’know, too much mystery?, quote unquote’. I’ve heard all the jokes, thank you.”

All of them?

“All the jokes, yes.”

Then how old are you? You must have lived a long time to hear all the-

“I see where you’re going, but I’m gifted and pick up quick, y’know?”

Oh, sure. Well. Anything else to tack on?

“I dunno…you explain to readers why they call it ‘The Stranger’, n’ all?”

Uh…I’d have to scroll up and check.

“Right. And no one scrolls down this far, so if you’ve missed it, then it probably doesn’t matter at this point.”

Well…some Russian spambot might scroll down this far.

“Well, kudos to you, kid, for caring what the Russian spambot reads – go on.”

Well, I, we – DJ Salinger and I, who also contributed to this article, but really only at the start now – with that classic rock reference-”

“About the Billy Joel.”

Yes – about the Billy Joel – and the Toto – we would just say that, y’know, we’re all adults here, online, and uh, it’s when, uh, one man, uh, loves hisself very much and, uh, he goes about uh, y’know, demonstrating that love, uh, with uh, another hand…then he’s normally used to.”

“You’ve lost me.”

You got the Billy Joel part?

“Yes, I got the Billy Joel part.”

He’s ‘The Stranger’.

“He’s ‘The Stranger’.”

Yes. Always was. Always will be.

“I see. That’s highly amusing. And you think your readers-”

We cannot say what we think. This isn’t Facebook.

“And they’ll never scroll down this far.”

Never. In a million, billion million years.

Am I right?!?

Don’t even think about ordering a sub to keep your jaws busy while you’re killing time waiting for your flight to be rescheduled – those subs’ve been sitting there since Biblical figure Solomon last brushed his Biblical teeth, which is to say, awhile.

But good news is on the horizon for the weary airline traveler.

From now on, only good-looking passengers will have their bags handled.

Since the war on terror was officially declared over last week, the TSA (Transit Security Authority) announced via a magic marker and a white board in the Girl’s bathroom, that from now on only good-looking passengers will have their balls or vuvuzelas groped or probed.

“Only good-looking passengers will have their balls or vuvuzelas groped or probed,” ejaculated Tiny Blast, 30, a session musician who has worked with Will.i.am and snuck into the Girl’s bathroom “’cause I couldn’t hold it any longer”.

“I read it on the white board in there,” he went on. “Why there have a white board in there, I have no idea,” he kept talking.

The policy, or idea, is pure genius, according to pert Swedish airline industry insider Idelfa Igliss, 22.

“It’s pure genius – it’s like Facebook, Twitter, finding a dime bag in an old running shoe,” she said, warming to a theme.

But why, guy?

“Because it covers all the bases – if you’re good-looking, you say to yourself in the mirror, “Oh my God, I’m so good-looking – they picked me to ram their fingers up my vuvuzela – and if you’re a minger, and they pick you to cram their fingers up your vuvuzela, then you write in your Ugly Betty day planner, “Dear God, it’s me, minger. Today they picked me at the TSA to ram their fingers up my vuvu…I must be…good-looking!?!”

Long answer.

“Well, I’m new at this public-speaking sort of thing. Give me a break, will you?”

But why do you say good-looking passengers will “have their bags handled”?

“I don’t. That’s in the headline.”

OK, but what does it mean?

“It’s a euphemism for something.”

A what?

“A euphemism.”

It’s for young people?

“No, no, no – look, don’t you read?”

No.

“It means the good-looking passengers will have their balls handled – their vuvuzelas handled – by expert and excellent TSA staff. According to procedure, of course.”

Do you want to handle my bags?

“How much have you got on you?”

Only, like $20 Canadian.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to check them in.”

Understand?!?

“I didn’t even open the book – just looking at it made me drool all over myself,” ejaculated Osama Bin Laden, 30, a tourist from Los Angeles.

You look familiar – do I know you from somewhere?

“I get that all the time. I used to be the world’s most wanted man.”

And now?

“Not to sound bitter, or anything, but do you really think Julian Assange is all that?”

Well…it’s not him, I hate – it’s his fans.

Books, which predate the Internet, are obviously boring. But when a 500-year-old book is found to be boring, the intelligentsia receives a fresh body blow to the thorax.

“The discovery of the book, whose name I forgot immediately, sent me into a coma and caused my eyes to permanently close,” chimed Professor Rant Foaming, of the prestigious University of Buffalo.

Somebody sent someone tweets about it and a guy on Facebook was seen holding a bulky boring thing that may have been a book.

Who knows, right?

500 years ago things were probably different than now. Definitely, guys got laid more often and gas was cheap. People started most of their shoptalk with, “Once upon a time..” No one fought in the streets over who was better – Radiohead or Kid Rock. People had nice hair cuts and went to school early. When people wrote graffiti on your car door it didn’t say “Die, Freak,” it said “Have a great day”.

You could start a new paragraph for no reason.

The book is really dirty and gives off a foul odor that cannot be washed away from clothes, even using a pricey detergent.

Still, some book-lovers say they might pay through the nose to even catch a quick whiff of its molten contents.

“People who say a 500-year-old book is boring, without even having the balls to read the thing, are not my cup of tea,” boasted pert 22-year-old philosophy student Nora Winger, 22, and pert. “If that thing fell into my hands, I’d read it cover to cover.”

It’s eleven million pages long.

“I’d read it in one sitting.”

Come on.

“In the bath.”

The thing is crusted with the remains of Indiana Jones’ poop chute.

“I suppose that makes you laugh.”

Name one book that you tweeted to online friends about on Facebook or that inspired you to rap on a bus.

“How plain. Don’t you think that we need to read in order to have metaphors with which to think comparatively, maybe even empathetically?”

That sounds a lot like you lifted it from Oronte Churm over at McSweeney’s, but, absolutely no, I mean, I live in a free society.

Understand?!?

Old people live longer.

“Old people, live longer than young people, ” said Tim Barnes, an unpaid intern at MyGoodies, an oft-cited Internet source for journalists too tired to go out.

The study, which MyGoodies conducted by following old people around and recording all of their most intimate moments in their home bathrooms, was distributed on disposable hand towels that folks could use to wipe themselves with after reading.

“It was very convenient,” said Trent Kaim, 45, a hedge fund manager at Danny’s Bank in Baltimore. “I wiped myself,” he went on, “I wiped all my areas”.

Old people, or “the old” are like these zombified things that fumble around and take your seat on the bus.

Seldom smiling, the old shuffle about, making hideous squeaking noises as they go.

“Still, they live longer than you or me,” says Ray Goolens, who refused to give his age but was waved away from the high school parking lot by officers. “If you’re, say 30ish, and Drooler over there is like 90, who’s longer?” he went on.

“Do the math,” he hissed.

Are there ramifications?

“The old are gloating, albeit under their history-laden breath,” instructed Christine Miff, 20, a vivacious tastefully-attired philosophy student as she exited a screening of Eddie Murphy’s new Iraq War musical, Invading Places.

“Whuddya thinka the movie?” Mr Goolens, who was still hanging about for some reason, asked her.

“I don’t know…I was too busy making out,” she replied, “with myself”.

Now I really feel old!

By El Toro, NEW YORK CITY – As six former US presidents sat down for a delicious lunch with President George W Bush and president-elect Barack Obama every face at the table beamed with bi-partisan glee.

Yet one bi-partisan person, who was left out of the historic meet-and-greet held at Washington’s most prestigious eatery Ssh…Kebab, is feeling “hurt…surprised…and perhaps even a little vengeful.”

The Dark Knight, or “Batman” as some older folks insist on calling him, arrived in Washington on time for the scheduled 2pm luncheon and give his name to Ssh…Kebab doorman Hans Oots.

“I’m the Dark Knight, of Gotham City, duly entrusted by the citizens of Gotham to protect them from harm under the power of Commissioner Gordon,” Mr Oots recounted the caped crusader informing him as he waited to be shown to the table where the luncheon was taking place.

However, “Unfortunately, I couldn’t seat the gentleman,” Oots said regrettably. “His name was not on the list.”

According to Oots and Ssh…Kebab waitress Sondra Dunk, who uploaded some footage of the scene to YouTube from her sexy iPhone, The Dark Knight repeatedly tried calling Mr Obama on his iPhone, but to no avail.

“He, like, went across the street and waited there like in the Burger King, and I got a couple of shots of him like fuming there, just like hitting redial over and over,Ms Dunk said, 22, playing with her shoulder-length natural blonde locks.

A spokesperson for Mr Obama would not confirm whether or not the Dark Knight had been mistakenly barred from the lunch. The Brutal Times has made no effort to contact anyone regarding details.

Typically, however, the Dark Knight is invited to all such gatherings, with the exception of buffet-style lunches, because of a past “incident” according to Rick J. Kartmit, who has authored nine books on US government lunches. “He should have been invited,” says Kartmit. “That much is a no-brainer.”

A “no-brainer” is something you need not trouble yourself thinking about.

Here in New York, regular folks steamed over what they felt was a perfect chance to get steamed.

“I may turn over a car and set fire to its’ bottom,” commented retiree Glen Jiffs, 69.

Young people as usual, seemed disinterested.

“We don’t care about your old person world,” sneered my son, Dougal Toro, 5. “By the way – I’m wasted,” he went on.

Make sense?

Mr McCain, who is running to be the oldest white US president, will wear a red tie.

Perhaps as a way of toying with his campaign’s critics, Mr Obama will appear as a 47-year-old black man, which is expected by analysts to undercut McCain’s chances of becoming the first black US president.

“Obama is not taking any chances this time around,” says Charlie McNutty, long-time pollster for NBC-MyGoodies. “A lot of people are going to say, ‘sure, he’s being bold by showing up as a younger black man at the debates, but this is politics and you do what you have to do to win’” he added.

Likewise, reports this week have McCain refraining from plucking grey hairs until “after the debates”, in order to look more older, and powdering his face with cocaine in an effort to look “well, let’s face it – whiter,” according to Gerry Weeks, my next-door-neighbor.

Critics of such antics on behalf of the candidates would do well to remember that Hillary “Hot Rodham” Clinton refrained from similar in-your-face reminders aimed at “rubbing her womanness in people’s faces” at her own peril.

“She was running to become the first US woman president and Mr Obama was losing, but a lot of folks say her that she lost directly as a result of not rubbing her womanness in people’s faces,” said Gerry Weeks, my next-door-neighbor, over drinks.

Team Clinton staffers all agreed with this assessment after a few drinks.

“People…are dumb,” said Mandy Campo, who supported Clinton in the tight fight with Mr Obama. “Some people…think he’s a woman.”

To make sure no such cock ups occur at the debates Obama and McCain campaign officials are waxing and coating the candidates to seal them from spoilage due to inclement weather or hurled fruits.

The key is “keep it simple” agree McCain spokesman Harleck Gart and Obama spokesperson Sheena Kelog. “If people want an old white guy president, we want them to vote McCain,” said Gart. Perhaps unsurprisingly Ms Kelog said that Mr Obama was “running to be the president for everybody,” but indeed had decided to debate Mr McCain “without undergoing plastic surgery or taking hallucinegenic drugs to alter his usual physical or mental state”.

Make sense?

Mailer, who witnesses said appeared “between 30 and 40″ years of age, was visiting Toronto to attend a private party held by Matsumoto Boy, BB FunCorp’s enigmatic vice-president.

Japanese toy giant BB FunCorp has no production facilities in Canada and refuses to sell its products in the snowbound country, citing an ongoing “difference in philosophies” with current Canadian prime minister, Cock Blocker.

Yet FunCorp recently established a secluded hub of luxury employee facilities in the high-priced Bridle Path neighborhood west of Toronto. Inside FunCorp sources say Matsumoto has been in close consultation with the similarly discreet Mailer since last October in regards to an as-yet-unnamed “transportation product”and invited him to a presentation at the Bridle Path location.

“Five guards, airport guys, jumped him, (Mailer),” said barrista Mavis Badge, 34, who was standing in line a few places behind Mr Mailer at the Northwest Airlines service counter at the time. “Then, these mounties showed up. Everybody was laughing, because they looked so funny, with their uniforms and everything. Then they pulled out their tasers.”

Mr Mailer’s screams cut through the original laughter enough to draw the attention of six or seven uniformed Metro Toronto Police constables, who had been lunching at the adjacent Druxy’s Deli.

“It was pretty much game-over at that point,” said Central Technical School student Glen Hassleback, 17. “But the mounties kept tazing him. One of them even used a crimping iron. I was really surprised.”

What provoked the tazing at this point remains unclear, although at least one fellow passenger on Mailer’s direct flight from Greenland to Toronto commented that he looked “drunk,” and had made “deep growling sounds” while aboard the Airbus aircraft.

Neal Bagnell, a pharmaceutical company employee who was seated next to Mailer, claims that several times Mailer “pestered” him with strange remarks.

“His breath smelled. And he has that long hair. And then he kept pestering me – with inane questions and comments,” Bagnell recounted. I remember, he asked me ‘Do you like the Internet?’ What a stupid question! I didn’t know what to say! So then he turns to me and says ‘Well, I am the Internet,’ and grins this stupid grin. It was unbearable.”

Although many of those interviewed at Pearson Airport expressed surprise and /or a modicum of outrage at the suddenness and forcefullness of the brutal arrest of Mailer, like Mr Bagnell, not all those who witnessed the spectacle were critical of law enforcement officials.

“It was awesome,” said John Collins, a 36-year-old marketing executive visiting from Aspen. “That guy went down! Like downtown. One thing you’ve got to say for Canadian cops – they can take a mother out!”

Mounted police in Canada traditionally possess no arresting powers, but act more as figureheads, in a way much similar to the British Queen. Where once both the Queen and the mounties roamed Canada’s barren western frontier and arrested French border crossers, nowadays both the mustachioed horsemen and the monarch typically limit their authority to posing for tourist snapshots.

Nevertheless, certain “rogue elements” in the Mounted Police, as the mounties are officially known, have taken to arming themselves with electric tazing devices, commonly referred to as “phasers” “beamers” and “love guns” by those in the force.

Prime Minister Blocker issued a brief statement regarding the Mailer tazing in Canada’s House of Commons, which is modeled after the British House of Commons, but possesses no official powers.

“Je vais un petite sal du bain,” he said in French, before being quickly corrected by staffers. Switching to his native English, Mr Blocker said, “Rogue elements of RCMP Royal Canadian Mounted Police force have tazed at Pearson. There will be an inquiry. Following that, we can make a decision how to do it better.”

Mailer remains in hospital at press time.

Make sense?